


you were romeo (i was a scarlet letter)

by chocolatecrack



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Angry Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bathroom Sex, Cheating, Couch Cuddles, Couch Sex, Domestic Bliss, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, Hokuto Is Suffering, Hopeful Ending, I just really love Baz Luhrmann's movies ok sigh, Im sorry omg, Infidelity, Love Triangles, M/M, Making Love, Mirror Sex, Moulin Rouge References, Movie Reference, Mutual Pining, Quickies, Riding, Romeo and Juliet References, Secrets, Semi-Public Sex, Slow Burn, The Painful Fic, Unrequited Love, almost, also this got REALLY long, bcos i own that tag LOL, but not sorry HAHAHAHAHA, idek ugh stop being emotional @ self lol, idk why but it did, in some parts LOL, means a lot to me, ok let's start with the other tags now LOL, sort of but not, sort of? idk HAHAHA, this just
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:07:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 55,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24788977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatecrack/pseuds/chocolatecrack
Summary: Star-crossed lovers, they now were. How Shakesperean. Like Romeo and Juliet, a bittersweet tragedy.But Hokuto was far from being Romeo, in all the ways. So he guessed that made him Juliet. Which was only fitting because the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Juliet, Romeo met in secret. Juliet, Romeo never told the world of. Not until it was too late.And after all, Juliet was never the first one in Romeo’s heart.That honor went to Rosaline.
Relationships: Kyomoto Taiga/Matsumura Hokuto, Kyomoto Taiga/OC, Matsumura Hokuto & OC
Comments: 24
Kudos: 38





	you were romeo (i was a scarlet letter)

**Author's Note:**

> "And when all is said and done, you're still the only one,"
> 
> I... was supposed to write a really longass note here, but I just... feel a bit overwhelmed that this has FINALLY been posted already, tbh.
> 
> It has been an incredibly long journey, these past few months of writing what I dubbed as "The Painful Fic" (it has a name now, guys!!!) and I just want to honestly give myself a pat on the back for being so ambitious and writing something this long LOL. It's not perfect, and it might not be what ppl expected, but it's what I hoped it would be. It ended being what I wanted it to be.
> 
> special shout out to [blankcamellia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blankcamellia/) who was with me every single step of the way AGH U THE BEST BBYYYYYY. also @/ryutaroll on twitter!! THANK U BBY THANK U SO MUCH REALLY :(((((((((( and and and! @/oreranoneiro, @/mikuness, @/Hokku8 all on twitter for the insane amount of reactions and support u guys are great :(((((( ok idk why im being emotional HAHAHAHA
> 
> anyway. so yea. this is a little adventure i put hokuto and taiga on. it started when i first heard the song the other girl - kelsea ballerini feat. halsey. and i thought, hey. let's put kyomohoku in that universe. and then it morphed into this incredibly long story bcos i kept putting layers and layers onto the characters. and this is what we have now.
> 
> so yup. i hope you end up feeling for all three of them. i hope you feel for hokuto's pain. i hope you understand taiga's dilemma. and i hope you fall in love with haruhi, just like i did. and i hope you guys enjoy the story. i really really hope you do. :)
> 
> hugeass disclaimer: this is fiction. F I C T I O N. i do not condone cheating irl. tnx. also fair warning: if you feel any sort of discomfort with cheating and infidelity please do not, I repeat: DO NOT read this fic. bcos it's literally the premise of the story. that's all.
> 
> I tried to proofread it as much as i could, but it still might have some typos and grammatical errors so im sorry in advance!!!
> 
> tobikko_2007 @ Twitter || chocolatecrack @ LJ || scenesinmoonstruck @ Tumblr if you guys want to talk!
> 
> To the anons who want to comment but wanna stay anon: I'm thinking of setting up a curiouscat or a twitter ask thread for this specific fic. what do u guys think? :D  
> And idk omg buy me a coffee maybe? I WOULD APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH AND I WOULD LOVE U SO MUCH AND THANK U huhu ❤ --> https://ko-fi.com/GrenadineDream
> 
> *in-line quotes are from William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. fic is heavily based on the other girl by Kelsea Ballerini feat. Halsey and Be My Mistake by The 1975 (thinking of making a Spotify playlist for this soon, btw! if you have song suggestions, you can tell me!). fic title is a line from Love Story by Taylor Swift.
> 
> also this was supposed to be posted on Hokuto's birthday but I was still finishing up things, HAHAHAHAHA! still tho! Belated Happy Birthday, bby boy!!
> 
> onwards to the fic!

_ A pair of star-crossed lovers  
_ _ Take their life _

* * *

It was ridiculous, the longer Hokuto looked at it. Of all the people he knew, he thought Taiga would be the  _ least  _ person to do  _ this. _

For some reason that still didn’t make sense to Hokuto, Taiga had gone and found himself a girlfriend. A girl. Pretty, petite, pale, her dyed blond hair bright like a warm sunshine, as warm as her cheery personality. She was energetic and full of life, like summer personified, a perfect picture. She had the least likeliness with Taiga’s personality, so Hokuto didn’t exactly expect Taiga to go for a girl like her. Except she did look exactly like him.

The thing was, Hokuto was the complete opposite of her. Hokuto was all dark hair and tan skin and whispers of nighttime. The girl was bright, bubbly, and a taste of daylight. It irked him.

But what irked him more was that one couldn’t even bring themselves to hate her. She was so genuinely nice and kind that it made it impossible. She was real and beautiful and sincere and honestly, Hokuto was losing his mind at where Taiga found this girl because she was just the epitome of all things right in the world. How could someone like that even exist?

But now Taiga was brandishing her around, introducing her to their group of friends, their mutual friends, all the people they knew. Hokuto nodded at her direction when Taiga introduced them, while Taiga, Hokuto noticed, seemed to completely avoid eye contact with him. Truthfully, Hokuto didn’t understand the need for them being introduced. Hokuto already knew about the girl anyway.

Taiga had whispered it to him one too many moons ago, when he had Taiga in his arms, their skin sweaty, the atmosphere smelling like sex.

It wasn’t exactly that Taiga had told him he loved him. It wasn’t like that at all.

Hokuto just thought—he  _ hoped _ —that maybe,  _ maybe _ there was something more to them than a meaningless fuck. A heat of the moment. Something more than hurried kisses behind locked doors and sneaking around at night, making sure no one knew what they were up to. Something more than just a mutual climax, Taiga screaming Hokuto's name into the air like his whole life depended on it. Hokuto hoped it was more than that, at least. Even after Taiga had told him about this one girl. Even after Taiga had told him Hokuto was his secret.

Hokuto hoped Taiga would change his mind.

Except he apparently didn’t. And now he finally introduced the girl to all of them.

“I’m going for a cigarette,” Hokuto announced, not saying anything more. He didn’t know what else there was to say, after all. It was said and done and Taiga had gone and introduced her to them. And everyone was all smiles and laughs and teases and Hokuto couldn’t take another second of it.

The moment he stepped outside, breathing in the fresh air to calm himself, he counted down from ten. He willed himself to not break down. There was no way he was going to give Taiga that satisfaction. Not in the slightest.

The first cigarette he lit, Hokuto dedicated to Taiga’s girlfriend, taking a long drag and letting it burn his lungs, hoping it reached all the pieces of his broken heart.

Haruhi.

She had a pretty name, Hokuto admitted. To go along with a pretty face, of course. Hokuto didn’t know someone could rival Taiga’s prettiness, but apparently this girl existed. And this girl had taken Taiga’s heart. Of course she did.

It sucked because Hokuto wanted so fucking bad to hate her but he really could not bring himself to. He even thought they could be friends, if they had lived in another universe. A universe where she wasn’t dating Kyomoto Taiga.

Hokuto took another long drag, dedicating the wisps of smoke in the air to Taiga. To the boy who decided to keep him as a secret, but decided to show the whole world this amazing and beautiful girl that had stolen his heart. A heart that Hokuto thought he had already claimed. But Taiga always did what he wanted, after all, no matter what anyone said. Hokuto was no exception to that rule. He learned that the hard way.

The last drag, the one finishing the fragile cigarette between his shaking hands, he dedicated to his own broken heart. Only owned by Taiga, forever owned by him. Hokuto had wanted to move on from him, one day. Wanted to move on from being hidden. But he couldn’t muster up the courage to do it. His heart screamed Taiga’s name, every morning, every night, every hour of every day. And much as he tried to resist, he couldn’t. It kept coming back to Taiga, anyway. 

Hokuto threw the cigarette to the ground, stepping on it with a sure foot. It felt a little like his heart.

“Huh,” someone said from the door leading to Taiga’s apartment, and Hokuto immediately knew who it came from. “I thought I recognized that smell.”

Hokuto turned towards the source, only for him to be proven right.

The girl—right, her name was Haruhi—walked towards him with a spring to her step, smiling softly. Hokuto raised an eyebrow at her as she stood directly in front of him, her looking up at him with a light in her eyes. Haruhi pointed at the box he was holding, Hokuto ready to pull out another stick to light, one never being enough for him. Especially not when he was trying to forget about Taiga. Although that part never worked.

“Black Stone Cherry, right?” Haruhi nodded towards the box. “I like them too. But sometimes I smoke Pianissimo Peche, just to have a little variety. Peach is one of my favorite flavors.”

Hokuto wanted to ask her to go away. Looking at her was like looking straight into sunshine. She was so bright it was almost blinding. Which fit because her name literally meant sunshine. He didn’t care that she liked peach flavored cigarettes. He didn’t care that she smoked what he smoked, too. He didn’t care that she could tell what he was smoking even from a few feet away. He didn’t care about her, at all.

All he cared about was that she managed to make Taiga happy. And that Taiga wasn’t afraid of telling the world that.

But he was afraid of what he and Hokuto had. Whatever the fuck it may be. If it was still even there.

Hokuto was about to open his mouth to speak, but he decided to pick his words first. So he put the cigarette between his teeth and lit it up, not once breaking eye-contact with Haruhi. The girl just kept smiling, finding no malice to his look or his actions. Hokuto took a long drag from the cancer stick and blew it directly at the girl’s face. He didn’t care about doing that, too.

He was supposed to take the stick between two lithe fingers, but Haruhi had beaten him to it and took it on her own. Then she placed it between two pink full lips and took a long drag too, mimicking the way Hokuto did it, inhaling it straight into her lungs. She blew the excess smoke to Hokuto’s face, placing the cigarette back between Hokuto’s parted lips.

“Still tastes good,” she said with a small smirk.

Hokuto understood now why Taiga had gone for her. She was captivating in every right, even when you forced yourself to not care about her. Haruhi might’ve meant sunshine, but this girl had a darkness to her that was hypnotizing. Like the promise of rich dark chocolate between inviting lips.

“Hokuto-kun, right?” she asked. “I hope we become fast friends. Taiga mentions you a lot. I think you might have a hold on him. He just doesn’t like saying it out loud.”

Hokuto nodded. “Yea we uh...we go way back. All of us do, actually. More with them than with me, so I don’t know why Kyomoto mentions me specifically.”

Hokuto knew the exact reason why, but he wasn’t exactly going to say that out loud, either. Especially not in front of her.

“I think he adores you. It’s really cute,” her voice was so cheerful and innocent, but also like something was hidden underneath it. Like she knew more than she was letting on.

Hokuto didn’t respond, for fear of saying the wrong thing.

_ Actually, I fuck him every week in his bed, where you’ve probably slept too. Actually, he screams my name like it’s the only word in the world that he knows. Actually, I make him come and come apart. Actually, he says I’m the only one who makes him feel a certain way. _

_ Actually, I make him forget about you. _

_ Actually, I love him. More than you ever will. _

There was no need for any of that. So Hokuto shut up.

“Haruhi, where have you gone—” fuck, Hokuto knew who owned that voice, “oh. Hokuto. Hey.”

Right. Oh. Taiga was being so stupid about this, it was a little irritating. But Hokuto tried to not let it get to him.

“Yo,” Haruhi greeted back, “cigarette break. Be back in a sec. Hokuto-kun’s keeping me company. He’s fun to talk to.”

She was a good liar too. They had barely even talked, but the lie still sounded so true, coming from her. Hokuto felt like that should mean something.

“She’s quite the catch,” Hokuto meant for the words to sting for Taiga, at the very least. A little minute revenge for surprising him like this, making them all gather at Taiga’s apartment, then introducing her to all of them. Not telling Hokuto about it. Not even when Hokuto fucked him like hell, the night before.

It seemed like they didn’t have that much effect, though, and Hokuto was only left disappointed. So much for hurting Taiga back.

“I’ll be waiting inside,” was Taiga’s only response, the small smile aimed at both of them not quite reaching his eyes. Hokuto could tell. It wasn’t like the smiles Taiga gave him behind closed doors, when he was in Hokuto’s arms, after they had just made love. Hokuto realized now that there wasn’t any kind of love at all. Just sex.

“He’s so cute,” Haruhi said sincerely, and Hokuto would’ve agreed had it been said by another person. His stupid pride wouldn’t let him agree with Haruhi, though. Not at anything.

He made an approving sound, instead, then went back to smoking, trying to occupy his mind with something else. Anything else than the painful thrum of his heart getting ripped to pieces. Unintentionally by the girl in front of him. Purposely by the boy waiting inside for her.

“You should go back. He’s probably waiting,” Hokuto advised, partly because it was true and mostly because he couldn’t stand being with Haruhi anymore.

She wasn’t exactly horrible. But that was the very reason why he couldn’t stand being with her. She was good,  _ too _ good, and it made him feel like he was such a villain for blaming her for his broken heart.

“Hmm. I guess I should,” she turned to him, smiling again, brighter this time. How that was possible, Hokuto didn’t know. “It was nice meeting you, Hokuto-kun. I hope you and I get to know each other more, soon.”

She didn’t wait for a response before heading back inside, never looking back at him. Then Hokuto was left alone again. But not for long.

“I won’t be long, promise. Just need to tell him something,” he could hear the voice from the door, and he already knew he wasn’t going to survive this.

Taiga walked towards him slowly, still avoiding eye contact. Hokuto leaned against the railing as Taiga joined him, Taiga looking the other way and avoiding his gaze.

“Hokuto…” he started, but Hokuto was having none of that. He had already had enough, for the day.

“She seems great. I hope she keeps you happy,”

He could hear Taiga sigh deeply before facing him, only Hokuto was the one who decided to look away, this time.

“She makes me really happy,” Taiga said quietly, like he regretted saying the words out loud and admitting to them.

Hokuto thought his heart couldn’t break any more. But apparently it could.

“Does this mean anything for…”

_ Us. _

He had to ask. He had to  _ know _ if it meant they were going to stop now. Because she was finally introduced, therefore finally in all of their lives, not just Taiga’s. She was known now.

Hokuto wasn’t. At least not in the way Taiga knew him.

Hokuto waited for a response, but he got none. He was about to ask again when a sudden hand held him, lacing their fingers together in a tight hold, and Taiga’s skin on his was all kinds of magic. Did Taiga feel that too? Or was Hokuto alone in this feeling, again?

“I don’t want you to leave me,” Taiga whispered, the words etching themselves onto Hokuto’s heart. “Please. You make me feel alive.”

_ Then why can’t you leave her? _

“Of course,”

_ Why is she in your life? _

“I won’t leave you,”

_ You said she made you happy. _

“I’m here,”

Hokuto’s mouth felt dry. The words tasted like paper on his tongue, rotten and stale, much like the state of his heart.

Taiga smiled at him in relief. It was what Hokuto did this for. Anything for that smile.  _ God,  _ anything to see it again. To be the one that caused it. To be the one behind it. Anything.

“Stay tonight. After everybody’s left,” 

It wasn’t even a question anymore. It was a constant.

“I will,” he found the will to smile too, hoping it reached his eyes. He guessed they did when Taiga smiled at him again, then made his way back inside. Almost as if his only purpose of going outside was to assure Hokuto that he wanted him, still. That he wanted  _ them,  _ still.

Hokuto wanted this too. But not like this. He didn’t want to be kept a secret. He wanted more. But he didn’t really have a choice. He wasn’t given one, in the first place.

Star-crossed lovers, they now were. How Shakesperean. Like Romeo and Juliet, a bittersweet tragedy.

But Hokuto was far from being Romeo, in all the ways. So he guessed that made him Juliet. Which was only fitting because the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Juliet, Romeo met in secret. Juliet, Romeo never told the world of. Not until it was too late.

And after all, Juliet was never the first one in Romeo’s heart.

That honor went to Rosaline.

* * *

_ Parting is such sweet sorrow,  
_ _ That I shall say good night  
_ _ Till it be morrow _

* * *

Slowly and steady, a gentle and calming kiss, placed on the skin of Taiga’s neck, Taiga squirming from sensitivity.

Hokuto had been taking it slow,  _ slower, _ this time. Wanting to savor every moment, every time spent with Taiga. To keep him longer. Keep him in his bed, his room, his heart longer than allowed. Maybe this way, he could pretend that Taiga was wholly his. Maybe this way, he could pretend that he didn’t share him with someone else.

Each time Taiga let out the tiniest of moans, a small sound that held so much depth, Hokuto’s heart leapt in his chest.  _ This is what I cause,  _ he thought.  _ Me. Just me. _

So what if he was a little selfish? Maybe he was allowed to be, from time to time. Maybe he was allowed to think of himself, as someone who was worth it, as someone who Taiga was proud of, as someone who should be shown to the world. As someone not worthy of being only a secret, kept in dark corners and empty spaces, hidden from the public view. 

Hokuto bared himself to Taiga, kissing every inch of skin he could get to, making Taiga feel ablaze under his touch. “ _ Hokuto, _ ” Taiga whispered, and  _ yes. Let it affect him. Let him think of me. Let him get consumed by me.  _ “Hokuto, I want you.”

Hokuto wanted Taiga too. So, so bad.

So he kissed him, then. Tasted fire on Taiga’s lips that he was sure he tasted before, too. A familiar heat in the kiss that smelled and tasted like cinnamon, autumn leaves, and a bonfire. Fireworks on their tongues exploding into the kiss, teeth knocking together creating the most beautiful sounds. It made Hokuto hungrier, craved more from the kiss than ever, finding his soul lit with the perfect flame.

Kissing Taiga was like feeling his whole being was doused in the flames of a forest fire: so painful, and yet so captivating.

Taiga moaned in the kiss, palming at Hokuto’s shirt, hurriedly wanting to remove the barriers between them. Hokuto had half a mind to not grant him what he wanted. Let him suffer a little. He made Hokuto suffer enough, after all.

But his mind was taken over, soon, and he slipped out of his shirt with an ease, smoothing his way out of the garment. Taiga revelled at his view, always in awe at how Hokuto’s cuts and dips were at all the right places, all for him. Only for him.

“ _ Mine, _ ” Taiga softly whispered, selfishly. Except Hokuto didn’t disagree. It was the whole truth. “ _ All mine. _ ”

Hokuto soon leaned over Taiga again, hovering over him, supporting himself with his elbows as he tried to get Taiga out of his own clothing. He momentarily pulled away to throw Taiga’s shirt across the room, going back to kissing him once the action was done. Then his hand lowered itself, slowly palming Taiga through his jeans, cock straining against it.

Taiga moaned out loud, desperate for more of Hokuto’s touch. Hokuto unbuttoned Taiga’s jeans with precision and perfection, too familiar with the movements already to fumble. Soon, he was pulling them off of Taiga, throwing it across the room to join their other forgotten pieces of clothing. He had thought of teasing Taiga, satisfied with just touching him through the constraints of his boxers. But he wanted to claim Taiga, claim him with his hands and mouth and heart, so screw it. Hokuto swiftly removed Taiga’s boxers and let it join their clothes, forgotten and discarded.

Hissing when the air greeted him, Taiga clenched a fist, fingers tangled in Hokuto’s jet-black tresses. He moaned again when Hokuto surrounded his cock with a tight hold, starting from the base and working his way up.

“ _ Hokuto, _ ” Taiga said, breathless, moaning, “ _ I need you. _ ”

Hokuto tried to ignore his pleas. Tried to not let it get to him. But he had always been weak for Taiga’s voice. For Taiga’s begging. It was inevitable.

So he brought his fingers up, Taiga immediately reaching for them and coating them with saliva, licking all over the long and lithe digits with intent. Hokuto bit on his bottom lip, already feeling so fucking hard. He abruptly pulled away his fingers, dragging them downwards onto Taiga’s skin, stopping to circle Taiga’s sensitive nipples. Taiga whimpered when Hokuto had smoothed his fingers on the hardened nubs, a weakness of his, always. Then Hokuto continued to travel down, past Taiga’s abdomen, past Taiga’s cock, all the way to his wanting entrance. He teased a little, circling the surrounding skin of it, making Taiga moan some more. Then he finally inserted an index finger in, slowly pushing more and more in, Taiga hissing and moaning at the sensation, before pulling the entire length of his finger out and pushing back in with two. He repeated the action with three, and Taiga felt stretched out and satisfied.

“ _ Fuck, _ Hokuto…” Taiga moaned again. “ _ Yes. Please. _ ”

Taiga hurriedly reached for Hokuto’s belt buckle, removing it with purpose and throwing it to the side. He started working on the buttons of Hokuto’s jeans, momentarily stopping when he felt Hokuto prod and poke at a sensitive spot inside.

“Ah—” he moaned, mouth opening as he shook, “ _ Yes,  _ there, please,  _ please, _ there.”

Taiga tried to keep his hands steady as he removed Hokuto’s pants, pulling Hokuto’s boxers down with it, surrounding Hokuto’s thick cock in a firm grip. Hokuto hissed into his ear, licking at the shell and making Taiga claw at his back, blunt nails digging deep. He pumped at Hokuto’s cock, making sure to cover the whole length of him with his touch. Hokuto nipped at his neck, intent on marking him.

“ _ Hokku… _ ” he meant as a warning. To not mark him where Haruhi could see. To not mark him where  _ anyone _ could see, actually. But Taiga guessed it was already too late, that Hokuto had already marked him. Not that he cared all that much. Let the world see that Hokuto owned him. It was true, in all senses. He owned his heart, and so much more, after all. Hokuto owned all of him.

So he pulled Hokuto towards him, kissing him passionately and heatedly, tongues battling against each other in the moment. Hokuto whispered into the kiss, something along the lines of a permission, and Taiga nodded immediately. The answer was always yes, when it came to Hokuto anyway.

Hokuto pulled his fingers away, angled his hips right as Taiga lined up Hokuto’s thick cock at his entrance. Then, slowly, Hokuto pushed home, head of his cock inching in and making Taiga grasp onto his arm with a newfound vigor, always feeling stretched no matter how many times they’ve done this. No matter how many times they’ve memorized each other’s bodies.

Taiga moaned out loud, a fist in Hokuto’s hair, a hand gripping Hokuto’s shoulder. Hokuto pushed in some more, filling Taiga up, making him feel full to the brim. He held Taiga’s hips tightly, kept pushing and pushing until he finally bottomed out, panting against Taiga’s neck, trying to pace himself.

“God, you’re so hot,” he couldn’t help but say, a smirk against Taiga’s neck, kissing the skin there. 

Taiga smirked back, chuckling a little. “Speak for yourself.”

Hokuto chuckled in return, the small vibrations of his body making his cock throb inside of Taiga and  _ fuck,  _ did it make him feel good. Hokuto’s cock was a thing of the heavens.

Carefully, Hokuto pulled out of Taiga’s tight heat, pulling out until only his tip was in. Then he pushed back in again, hard, sheathing himself all the way, making Taiga scream out loud in an unbelievable pleasure, feeling it all the way up to the tips of his toes.

“ _ Again, _ ” Taiga begged. “Hokuto,  _ please, again. _ ”

Hokuto pulled out and pushed back in, building a pace and a rhythm with his thrusts, Taiga screaming and squirming in his hold. Soon, he angled his hips upwards and hit Taiga just at the right spot, the silent scream on Taiga’s face a tell that he had done so.

“I—ah—fuck, yes,  _ please, _ ” Taiga kept moaning, Hokuto staying in his place, hitting the same spot hard, knowing how much it caused Taiga pleasure.

Taiga pulled Hokuto in for a kiss, his moans getting muffled through their joined lips and their tongues tangling. Hokuto worked his hips, in and out, fast and hard, driving Taiga closer and closer to the edge.

“ _ Taiga… _ ” he whispered, wanting to say so many things.  _ Taiga, you own my heart. Taiga, you make me so happy. Taiga, you’re all I want. _

_ Taiga, I love you. _

But the words got lost. Hokuto had no courage to say them, at least not in the moment. So he set them aside and focused on Taiga, instead. And how he made him feel like he was floating on cloud nine.

“ _ Hokuto… _ ” Taiga whispered back.

And that was all Hokuto needed. He increased his pace and pumped at Taiga’s cock, timing his hand with his hips. Taiga moaned loud, again, pleasure overriding his system as Hokuto kept going, and had no signs of stopping, soon.

“H-Hokuto…” Taiga was panting, breathless, “I’m— I’m gonna—”

Hokuto reached for his soft blond hair and pulled, then, driving him over the edge. Pleasure shot through Taiga’s system as he came, screaming Hokuto’s name with moans and whimpers in between. His singer voice was a melody to Hokuto’s ears as they bounced off of the walls, echoing in the otherwise empty apartment. Hokuto came with him, coming inside of Taiga, spilling inside of him and filling him up. Taiga could feel Hokuto’s cock throb, and it prolonged his high, taking him to new heights, better than before. He kept coming, spilling against Hokuto’s tight hold, coating Hokuto’s fingers with his come.

For a moment, Taiga thought he was going to pass out. He thought he was going to run out of breath from the way the pleasure surrounded him and consumed him. But Hokuto kissed him, then, making him break from his trance, pushing air back into his lungs. They panted against each other’s mouths, exchanging breaths and sighs and satisfied smiles.

With a deep breath, Hokuto slowly pulled out of Taiga, Taiga shuddering when he felt every inch of Hokuto’s cock leave him. He held the younger boy tight in his embrace, massaging his scalp with careful touches.

Hokuto slowed the kiss a little, focusing on their lips moving together in harmony. Feeling mischievous, Taiga smirked into the kiss and rolled them over, straddling Hokuto’s hips, never breaking the kiss. Hokuto smirked back, keeping Taiga in place.

Then Taiga pulled away, stuck their foreheads together, before lying down on top of Hokuto, their sweaty bodies sticking together.

“You spoil me too much,” he said lightly, smiling at Hokuto as he placed his palms on top of each other on Hokuto’s chest, then placing his chin on top of them. “Too much for my own good.”

Hokuto laughed, the sound deep and rich, making Taiga feel tingly all over. “Wouldn’t be the first time. Besides,  _ everyone _ spoils you.”

“Yea, but not like you do,”

“Just because I have sex with you…”

“ _ Great _ sex, I might add,”

Hokuto laughed again, and honestly, it was one of the most beautiful sounds Taiga had ever heard. “I’m flattered.”

Taiga smiled back. “Only telling the truth.”

Taiga shifted, then, settled himself in Hokuto’s hold and cuddled him, Hokuto kissing the top of his hair.

Then he sighed, remembered the time, remembered the place, remembered who they were.

And he remembered who they  _ weren’t _ .

“I have to go soon,” he whispered low, almost not wanting Hokuto to hear it.

Taiga could feel Hokuto suddenly stiffen under him, muscles suddenly tense. But it only lasted a second. He figured Hokuto must have remembered about them, too.

“Already?” Hokuto tried to hide the pain beneath a chuckle, but Taiga knew him better than that.

Taiga tried to not answer. Because he was sure what he was going to say next was going to break the both of them, in more ways than one.

But he had to say it, lest they get trapped in their own makeshift fantasy in the sheets. A lovely, but temporary, forgetting of the truth.

“She might be looking for me,”

It was getting late after all. Haruhi might’ve been worried.

Hokuto sighed, pausing his tracing of circles on Taiga’s hip, and nodded. He kissed the top of Taiga’s head again, breathing in his scent. Sakuras and spring blooms and morning dew. And heartbreak. He smelled so much like heartbreak.

“Of course,” Hokuto finally said. He wanted to keep Taiga there, in his arms, in his hold, for himself. But they both knew it was impossible.

Hokuto expected Taiga to move already. To hurry and get out of the apartment, catch a train back to his place, making sure to not be suspicious. Despite the fact that he might still smell like Hokuto and his sheets. Despite the fact that a hickey peeked on his neck. Despite the fact that his voice was hoarse from all the moaning. Despite the fact that his heart still screamed Hokuto’s name.

But Taiga spoke again, instead.

“Hokuto?” he whispered, sounding small.

Hokuto held him tight before responding, “Hmm?”

“Are we…” Taiga hesitated, but he pushed through it, “are we good?”

Hokuto was slightly surprised by the question, but he understood why Taiga asked it.

In truth, Hokuto wasn’t. He was breaking apart on the inside little by little. He was far from being good. But he stayed together for Taiga. Anything for Taiga.

He lifted a hand to Taiga’s chin, tilting his head up and leaving a chaste kiss on his lips, soft and sweet. Then he stuck their foreheads together, closing his eyes. “Of course we are,” he whispered reassuringly.

Taiga took a deep breath and nodded, smiling at him sincerely.

After a while, he started getting dressed, making himself look decent and proper. Until Hokuto had to walk him to the door. Until Hokuto had to wave goodbye with a smile.

When he was all alone, when Taiga had gone, Hokuto suddenly felt empty. Like all of the life left in his body was forced out of him, following after Taiga who stepped further and further away. He wanted to cry. He wanted it so badly. But no tears were coming out and it was no use. He was just too...empty.

When Taiga left, he took Hokuto’s heart with him.

And Hokuto unregretfully, and gladly, let him.

* * *

_ Young men's love then lies  
_ _ Not truly in their hearts,  
_ _ But in their eyes _

* * *

She kept smiling at his direction, and Hokuto would’ve thought it to be irritating, except she did have a really nice smile. Her eyes crinkled when she did, her eye-smile so cute and adorable, making her look younger than she actually was. Hokuto could never hate her. She was too great of a person to warrant hate. Even if she did share Taiga’s heart.

The quaint café wasn’t all that packed that afternoon, Hokuto choosing one where he knew they could have a little privacy, considering who they were. Especially Taiga. So he chose one that was nice and cozy, the three of them sitting at a table on the corner, comfortably together, coffee and cakes to make the company better.

What Hokuto didn’t understand was why  _ he  _ had to come along. Taiga and Haruhi could’ve gone on a date on their own. But Taiga told him he didn’t know what to do, and not even in a panic, but in a way where he just wanted to convince Hokuto to string along, hinting at him to come with. Haruhi had no complaints, even, when she saw Hokuto. The girl gave him a sincere bright smile—one that Hokuto thought was fake but was actually anything but—and even hugged Hokuto when she saw him. Hokuto was rarely a touchy-feely person to people he didn’t know all that much. But hugging Haruhi felt like hugging someone with familiarity. It felt nice.

So now the three of them were laughing together in the café, Haruhi having just finished a hilarious story about something she did when she went to university. Taiga pointed out to her that Hokuto went to uni, too, which Haruhi was excited about. Her and Hokuto engaged in conversation after that, genuinely enjoying exchanging stories.

The thing was, as much as Hokuto was enjoying himself, he was having a little difficulty too. Because Taiga kept stealing glances at him, looking way more obvious than he thought. He kept mentioning him in conversation, kept smiling at him sweetly, more than he smiled at Haruhi. Hokuto thought the only way Taiga didn’t look  _ as  _ obvious was because he was sitting across Hokuto, giving him an excuse as to why he kept looking at him, instead of Haruhi who was sitting beside him.

But Taiga kept trying to touch Hokuto, too. While Hokuto and Haruhi were talking, Taiga reached for Hokuto’s hand underneath the small table, caressing it with light and soft touches, making Hokuto’s skin electrify. Hokuto smiled at Haruhi, tried to mask his surprise and his tensing, body already reacting to the slow movements of Taiga’s touch.

Taiga then moved forward, further fueling the conversation. “Oh, is that so?” he said, seemingly interested in what Haruhi was talking about. Under the table though, hidden by the long tablecloth, he laced his fingers with Hokuto’s, holding him tight. It was a sweet gesture at first, so Hokuto had no problem holding himself together. He’d dealt with the worst of Taiga’s teasing, after all. He was used to this.

And yet, Taiga still went on. He kept trying to play with Hokuto’s foot using his own, playing footsie underneath the table and riling Hokuto up. Hokuto tried to even his breathing, focusing on what Haruhi was saying and responding. He dared not look at Taiga, who was looking at him straight on, not even caring that Haruhi might notice the way he was looking at Hokuto.

Then Taiga did the unbelievable. He took Hokuto’s hand, the one laced with his own underneath the table, and tugged on it. Hokuto moved slightly, not enough to be obvious, but enough to be able to move closer, though not having the faintest idea what Taiga wanted or what he was going to do.

Taiga smirked, then, seemingly successful, and carefully pulled Hokuto’s hand, placing Hokuto’s palms flat, high on his own thigh. Hokuto gulped, not daring to jerk his hand away for fear of the sudden movement eliciting a reaction. Instead, he tried to calm himself, tried to keep his breathing normal, as Taiga pulled on his hand again and moved it further up his thigh. He moved it further and further until Hokuto was cupping him against his pants, Taiga biting on his bottom lip to stop himself from moaning, looking at Hokuto with half-lidded lust-filled eyes the entire time.

Hokuto had half a mind to pull his hand away, because Haruhi was smiling at him, so prettily, so genuinely, so sincerely. And here he was, touching her boyfriend underneath the table, his own cock already straining against his jeans, unable to not react.

He cleared his throat, instead, thinking of a way out. “Uhm,” he said, “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Hokuto thought his excuse would work, but Taiga decided that he wanted to go too, and the both of them excused themselves to Haruhi, before walking towards the bathroom. Almost as if nothing had just happened.

The men’s bathroom was a little small, but it housed two cubicles inside of it, so it wasn’t strange for two guys to enter at the same time. The moment they were both in though, Hokuto locked the door shut and slammed Taiga against the wall, seething.

“Taiga, what the  _ fuck  _ are you doing?” he tried to say with acid, trapping Taiga between two arms and looking at him with a glare. But his voice came out more as defeated than angry, and Taiga only smirked in response.

“I thought it would be fun,” he said, tilting his head to the side, still smirking.

“Fun?  _ Fun?  _ Haruhi is out there!”

“And so?”

Hokuto was in disbelief. “What do you mean ‘so’? She’s your girlfriend! Don’t you care what she’s going to think??”

“She’s not going to notice,”

“And if she does?? Taiga…” Hokuto sighed, tried to calm down. “Taiga, she’s a great girl. She seems really fun and she’s really nice. And she’s really pretty, too.”

Taiga scoffed, which surprised Hokuto. “ _ You  _ date her, then.”

Hokuto furrowed his eyebrows, utterly shocked that Taiga even had the _ gall  _ to be slightly jealous. “What? What do you mean? Do you not...like her?”

He had further questions.  _ Why do you date her, then? Why are you together, then? Why are you with her, then? _

_ Instead of me? _

Questions that need not be asked, nor answered.

“Are you kidding?” Taiga looked at Hokuto as if he just said the most ridiculous thing. “I love Haruhi.”

The words felt like a slap to Hokuto’s face. Taiga loved Haruhi. He  _ loves  _ her. Taiga rarely admitted something like that to anyone. Even Hokuto.

“Then why are you doing this?” Hokuto just wanted answers, but he was bombarded with more questions in his head, instead.

“Because I  _ want  _ you,”

Hokuto almost answered him. Almost told Taiga that he couldn’t always get what he wanted. That things didn’t work that way.

But he knew he’d be lying, when he’d say that. Because Taiga always got what he wanted. Taiga always got  _ him. _

“But you love  _ her, _ ” Hokuto repeated, convincing himself more than convincing Taiga.

“But I want  _ you, _ ” Taiga responded, moving closer to him, still trapped between Hokuto’s arms.

Taiga wanted Hokuto. All of him, and more. Hokuto always made him feel something no one had ever made him feel. He was always thinking of Hokuto, his mind flooded with the younger boy’s jet-black hair, deep and dark eyes, low voice, passionate kiss. 

But Taiga didn’t even think of Haruhi. He didn’t think of her at all. Especially not here. Especially not now.

Not when Hokuto finally gave in and leaned in to kiss him vigorously in the mouth, hurried and hungry and  _ so hot. _ Not when he discarded his pants and threw them, not caring if it made a small sound. Not when he wrapped his legs around Hokuto’s waist, locking his ankles on Hokuto’s lower back, while Hokuto supported his weight with his hands gripping Taiga’s ass hard. Not when he unbuckled Hokuto’s belt, pants barely making it to the younger boy’s knees as Taiga gripped his cock with a firm hand. Not when he guided Hokuto at his entrance, already so stretched from their fucking the night before. Not when Hokuto pounded into him with no forgiveness, as Hokuto silenced his own groans with a bite onto Taiga’s shoulder. Not when Hokuto sucked at his neck, and pulled at his hair, driving him over the edge.

Not when he came, when he  _ gloriously  _ came from the quickie, his hand clamping his mouth shut to silence his screams, preventing himself from moaning Hokuto’s name out loud.

Not when Hokuto came inside him, spilling inside and filling him up, almost like marking him as his.

Taiga didn’t think of her at all. Even if she was just on the other side of the door, sitting at a booth in the café, waiting for the both of them to come back.

Hokuto breathed against Taiga’s neck as he pulled out, already reaching for Taiga’s pants with shaking fingers. He took some tissue paper and wiped at Taiga clean, wanting to make sure they didn’t reek of come, and sex, and each other. Even though he knew they were both going to fail at that.

“We can’t go out at the same time,” Hokuto said in between his panting, chest heaving. He tried his best to smooth out Taiga’s hair, arranging his shirt to make it look decent. “She’ll notice.”

And that was the only time Taiga even remembered Haruhi.

He nodded, agreeing, despite not wanting to leave. Despite Hokuto not wanting him to leave, either. But Hokuto knew what was at stake. It was ironic, because Hokuto wasn’t the one who was actually  _ with _ Haruhi, and yet he cared more about her. Taiga thought of himself as so cruel.

Haruhi was a great girl. And he loved her. He really did.

But Hokuto made him feel different. Made his blood dance and his skin crawl and his heart beat. Hokuto made him feel everything he wasn’t supposed to be feeling.

“Okay,” Taiga took a deep breath, then placed a small chaste kiss on Hokuto’s lips, like the fluttering of a butterfly. Hokuto was surprised by the sweet gesture at first, but kissed back quickly, as well. “Okay.”

Taiga didn’t look back when he got out of the bathroom. And Hokuto waited for a while before he himself got out.

In his waiting, he stared at himself in the mirror, lips swollen from Taiga’s kissing, shirt disarrayed from Taiga’s grip, hair unruly from Taiga’s fingers. He was a walking proof of Taiga’s mistakes. Of Taiga’s mistakes and secrets and everything that he  _ shouldn’t  _ be doing. Hokuto was a fucking mess.

“Hokuto…” he told himself in the mirror, eyes turning glassy, despite willing himself not to cry.  _ Don’t fucking cry, you idiot. Don’t. _

“Hokuto, what the  _ fuck  _ are  _ you _ doing?”

His voice bounced off the bathroom walls.

But it still sounded empty. So empty.

* * *

_ Beauty too rich for use  
_ _ For Earth, too dear _

* * *

Small chimes on top of the entrance made a twinkling sound, alerting the people of a new customer, the sound calming and comforting to Hokuto’s ears. Like the whispers of a cool breeze, prickling his skin lightly.

Hokuto rarely visited music stores in his free time. Not because he didn’t like them, but because considering who he was and what his job was, it was a little bit difficult for him to actually do so. But this one record store, the one where he was usually at, he actually enjoyed. It came with a cozy café inside, and the owner always played relaxing lo-fi tunes as background music. It was independently owned, and was only frequented by those who actually knew the store, and by its loyal customers.

It was a warm afternoon, and Hokuto sifted through the vinyl records in a specific rack, remembering the record player he bought at the place only a few days ago, and all the specific records he bought along with it. He didn’t exactly know why he had decided to adopt the vintage looking thing. It was a little worn at places, but still seemed so pristine. When the owner played a record with it, the sound didn’t even falter, still playing perfectly. Hokuto ended up buying the player, feeling an attraction towards it and all its quirks. He bought records to play on it too, ones he thought he would start collecting.

Then he remembered hiding his player and growing record collection so Taiga wouldn’t spot it in his apartment every time he would come over. Wouldn’t want Taiga to see the exact records he bought, after all. Especially because—

“Hokuto-kun?”

Hokuto turned his head towards the voice, a familiar tinge to it that he couldn’t particularly place, although he felt like he should. He was at the counter, paying for another record, before he heard his name being called.

When he whipped his head around, he was met by a sunshine smile, summer blond hair, and sparkling eyes. The sunset bathed the girl in an unbelievably breathtaking incandescence, glowing from behind her bright blond crown, almost like a halo. Sometimes Hokuto forgot exactly how beautiful Haruhi was.

“Haruhi,” he called out carefully, clutching the plastic bag in his hands, hopefully being subtle enough about hiding it from her view. She couldn’t see the contents of it. She would figure things out, and she would know. And he would be caught.

_ They  _ would be caught.

Hokuto hid the plastic bag behind him, inwardly sighing in relief when he saw that Haruhi didn’t take notice. “Uhm, you—”

“You know this place too, huh?” Haruhi said carefully, smiling as she stepped towards him. “I kinda figured you would, though. Seems like a place you would like,” she said while looking around the record store, closing her eyes to take a whiff of the beautiful scent of coffee, seeming to be a fan.

How did Haruhi even know him that much? They hadn’t talked that long. Just casual greetings when they would see each other, and that one conversation in the café. Nothing too deep. Did she pay attention to him, more than he thought?

“Yea, uh,” he cleared his throat, not knowing why he was suddenly nervous, “it’s a nice place. I’ve grown to love it.”

“You bought a record?” Haruhi nodded towards the plastic bag in his hands, Hokuto fumbling with it with nervous fingers.

“Uh, no, yea, it’s nothing,” he stuttered, “I just wanted to add another to my collection.” Hokuto hoped and prayed she wouldn’t ask to see it, his heart feeling like it stopped when she simply nodded in amusement and let the matter drop.

“So you like these kinds of things, huh?” she asked with a smile, sifting through the records too, beautiful hands carefully searching.

“I guess, yea,” Hokuto shook off his nerves and regained composure. No need to be nervous and afraid of Haruhi, after all. It wasn’t like he was caught in a compromising position. Yet.

“Good,” Haruhi responded, then looked at him again, moving closer. She stepped into his personal space, and it didn’t bother him truthfully, but it was still a surprise that her face was so close to his own. “Can you help me? I’m about to lose my mind and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Hokuto widened his eyes, almost cross-eyed because Haruhi was too close. He leaned back, steadying himself. “Uhm...sure?”

“Oh my gosh, you’re a saint,” Haruhi said, smiling at him with full teeth. She was so genuinely sweet sometimes, it was like Hokuto was going to get a toothache by simply looking at her. “I was  _ this  _ close to giving up.”

“Uhm,” Hokuto wondered, because what was she even talking about? “Give up on what exactly?”

Haruhi sighed, went back to looking through the records. “I don’t know what to give Taiga,” she started. 

Fuck. She was looking for a gift for Taiga. Hokuto clung to his plastic bag tighter, remembering its contents again. 

“He’s been working too hard lately and he’s always so tired and he comes home late. And it’s been months since we started actually dating but I haven’t given him anything. I mean, I know he doesn’t want anything and all, but I still want to give him even just something simple, you know?”

_ He’s been working too hard. He’s always so tired. He comes home late. _

Hokuto could hear the devil whispering in his ear.  _ It’s because of you, it’s because of you, it’s because of you. _

Because it was. He was the reason for all of that. Taiga had always stayed later at work hours because he stayed with Hokuto. He was always tired because Hokuto wore him out in bed. And he came home late because he’d just come from Hokuto’s apartment.

Hokuto wished he didn’t have to hear those words directly from someone who he was hurting, just because he was being extremely selfish. Hearing it from Haruhi herself had given his pain a new kind of weight. Here was a girl, beautiful and true, unintentionally and secretly being hurt because he let his reckless heart take over his rational head. Hokuto wanted to punch himself for being such an idiot. He should’ve known better. He had every opportunity and power to stop whatever the fuck was going on with Taiga. But he didn’t. And he still didn’t want to, even after hearing Haruhi’s words. Was he really this cruel?

“I…” but what was he to say anyway? He didn’t exactly know how to tell her the truth. He didn’t know if it was  _ his  _ truth to tell, or if it was Taiga’s. Or was it both of theirs? Hokuto didn’t know.

“It would be great if you could help,” Haruhi had a hopeful expression on her face, looking at Hokuto with soft pleading eyes and a small pout of her lips. And okay, maybe Hokuto was already convinced, anyway. He didn’t have to think about complications at that moment. Helping Haruhi seemed to be the right decision.

“Well,” he smiled, finally, Haruhi picking up on it and beaming, “I would actually advise you to buy him an instrument because he loves playing, but he already has a lot of instruments anyway.”

“Right,”

“So yea, coming to a record store is the right choice, since he does love his music,”

“Okay, but does he listen to anything specific? He plays songs sometimes, but it’s always this or that and not one thing is ever the same,”

“Huh,” Hokuto was curious about that, actually, since Taiga always played the same things when they were together. “Well, lately he’s been into cassette tapes,”  _ because I’ve been into them too, and I recommended some to him,  _ was the continuation to that sentence. Words that need not be spoken out loud, of course.

“But if you still want something instrument related, they don’t really have a wide range of instruments here, but they do have tools. Like pedals for guitars and keyboards and all the other accessories. Taiga likes to have a raw sound when he plays, but he’s been wanting to get guitar pedals lately, some distortion to experiment. They have guitar straps, guitar strings and all that too but he just got new strings last week for his electric…oh but his acoustic needs new ones! There are also blank music sheets, so he can write his songs on those. And recording gear too like mics and...”

Hokuto was about to talk more when he saw Haruhi smiling at him, looking amused. He furrowed his eyebrows. “What?”

Haruhi shook her head. “Nothing it’s just…” she bit on her bottom lip, “you seem to know a lot about him. And his preferences, and his music. It’s kinda cute. You must be really close to him.”

Hokuto blushed. Not because he felt something for Haruhi, but because he was shy, not realizing that he was  _ that  _ transparent in knowing a lot of things about Taiga’s music. And Taiga in general. “No, no, I just,” he stuttered, trying to save himself from more blushing, “I pay attention. I’m very observant, is all. We’re not close, we don’t even get along, I—”

Haruhi giggled. “Hey, it’s fine. I like that you’re friends,” she smiled again and moved towards the guitar pedals on display. “It’s good that Taiga has friends like you. He  _ needs _ friends like you. You keep him on track.”

It broke Hokuto’s heart because Haruhi thought they were just that, especially knowing that he and Taiga were more than friends. He wasn’t sure what they were exactly, but they were definitely not just that. More than friends, less than lovers. Sort of, but not. Almosts. They were almosts.

“Yea,” he responded, trying to mask his sadness for the girl, and the guilt that was gnawing at him from the inside. “Yea, I guess so.”

He shook the guilt off. This was about  _ Haruhi  _ and Haruhi’s feelings for Taiga. Not about him at all. Hokuto needed to stop being so self-absorbed.

So he smiled again and proceeded to help Haruhi, looking at all of the things he mentioned earlier and helped her pick out what he thought Taiga would like. She was actually nice company, even if Taiga wasn’t around with them. Hokuto never thought she would enjoy hanging out with her. He was so ready to hate her, at first. They both caused each other’s heartbreaks, after all. Despite Haruhi not being aware of her own, still. Or yet.

Would she ever be aware? Would she ever find out the truth?

Haruhi paid for the small gifts, deciding a guitar pedal was a bit too much and went with strings, a guitar strap and music sheets instead. She also got him new guitar picks that Hokuto helped pick out, and apparently the record store said they could engrave it with a name. So Hokuto asked them to put Taiga’s name on it, writing the kanji on a piece of paper.

“Oh, but wait, you might want it in your handwriting?” he suddenly remembered. This was Haruhi’s gift, after all.

But Haruhi shook her head and smiled. “Nah, I’m good,” she said. “I like your handwriting. And I’m shit at writing kanji, anyway. So yours is fine.”

Hokuto just nodded, seeing his handwriting being engraved on tiny pink guitar picks, realizing that he had also invaded this again. Even Haruhi’s gift, he had unintentionally stomped over. Part of him was happy that he had his own little contribution, knowing that Taiga would recognize his handwriting. But part of him was also ashamed because of that very reason. He should’ve sat this one out.

But Haruhi didn’t seem to mind. And that irked Hokuto because she was so nice and he didn’t deserve to be treated this way by her. He didn’t deserve her kindness.

“Come on,” she said suddenly after she got all of her purchases, surprising him again with her hand holding his. “I’m dying for a cup of coffee. Come with me? My treat!”

And with a smile like Haruhi’s, Hokuto couldn’t exactly say no. So he smiled back and let her drag him across the record store, towards the café at the other end.

They ordered two iced coffees and a slice of cake, Hokuto noticing that Haruhi was a bit of a sweet tooth with her Caramel Macchiato and double chocolate cake. He opted to order an Iced Americano and refused her offer of a dessert, because he didn’t want her spending too much on him. He even hesitated with the coffee, but she insisted. So she asked for two forks instead, so they could share, and asked for the biggest slice of the cake. Haruhi could have anyone eating out of the palm of her hand. The barista couldn’t refuse her request, not when she smiled at him like  _ that. _

“Perks of being blond,” Haruhi winked at Hokuto, proud of her mischief. She really was a fun person to be around.

Evening slowly came as they chatted away at their small table for two, Haruhi constantly making Hokuto laugh with her stories and adventures. He found out that she was a bit older than him, older than Taiga even, but only by months.

“When’s your birthday?” he asked, curious.

“1994, June 17th,” she said, taking another big bite of chocolate cake.

Hokuto blinked, not knowing how to react. Her birthday was exactly one year and one day before his own. Even at this, she was still first, and he was still second. Like it was done on purpose. Of course.

Hokuto gritted his teeth. Not at Haruhi, but at how ridiculous everything was. Like this was planned. A call out to him, somehow. And there was only one explanation.  _ Taiga. _

But he didn’t want to punish Haruhi for someone else’s wrongdoings. She deserved better than that. So he simply smiled and nodded.

“What about you?”

“Oh uhm,” fuck. If he told her, she would realize things. She would start seeing patterns. Haruhi was smart, she would piece things together, even if it was slow. But he couldn’t  _ not  _ answer her, either. “1995, June 18th. Our birthdays are—”

“Right next to each other! So cool! Happy Birthday to both of us, Hokuto-kun,” she beamed.

In the back of Hokuto’s mind, he thought of so many things. Of how, in other circumstances, he might have even been great friends with Haruhi. He might have grown a friendship with her and developed a love for her like one would a best friend or a sibling. Love need not be romantic always. They could have been such great friends. The best kind.

If only they hadn’t fallen for the same person. If only they hadn’t given both of their hearts to Kyomoto Taiga, only for Taiga to decide he wanted to keep both and break both.

“Right,” Hokuto masked his thoughts with a weak smile and greeted back instead. “Happy Birthday to both of us, Haruhi.”

Before it got too late, they both finished up and left the store, standing outside as a chilly breeze passed and blew Haruhi’s hair in a serene flow. Some of her hair got blown to her face, and she had to tuck it behind her ear to ease it down. Haruhi looked like she was made up of the same things that made up fairies, too. She looked like magic.

“I had so much fun today, Hokuto,” she said, Hokuto noticing her dropping the suffix. “I hope we get to do this some other time?”

“That’d be nice,” Hokuto answered before he even thought about it. They weren’t friends. At least, not yet. But maybe they could start somewhere, like all people did.

If he could eventually get over the guilt, that is. Even though he thought that was pretty much impossible. He could never get over the guilt he felt every time he saw Haruhi‘s smile, knowing that he was the very person who had the power to take it away if he had told the truth.

Hokuto clung to his plastic bag again, remembering what was in it, almost as if it held all of his secrets.

“I’ll see you!” Haruhi waved goodbye before walking away, her bright blond hair flowing, even brighter when illuminated by the moonlight. 

Hokuto waved goodbye too before she turned, sending her a smile that he wished reached her. It was the only true thing he could give her that wouldn’t hurt. And even then, it still wasn’t enough.

* * *

_ If love be blind,  
_ _ Love cannot hit the mark _

* * *

The book was a small thing, really. In Haruhi’s hands, though, it looked a bit bigger. Which was another thing that Taiga took note of, because it meant he’d seen it before, only looking smaller because it was held by much bigger hands and fingers.

Taiga absentmindedly flipped through his Conan manga, having actually read that particular volume already, so it wasn’t like he was missing any good parts. Which was perfect because he only used it as an excuse anyway, constantly glancing at the curious book Haruhi was reading, something about it drawing him in. Was it the title? Was it the author? Taiga couldn’t put a finger on it.

They were leaning against opposite ends of the sofa in his apartment, feet touching each other’s, each with their own reading material as they lazed the afternoon away with some light reading. Haruhi was the first to pick up a book before Taiga joined her, at first wanting to read too, before the book she was reading caught his attention. He just  _ knew  _ something was familiar about it. He just did.

“Haruhi,” he called out, curiousity finally getting the best of him, eating him up from the inside.

“Hmm?” she replied, not even looking up from the page. Christ, was it that good of a book or something? And why did that thought seem familiar too? Like he had thought it before already?

“That book you’re reading,” he nodded towards it, “where’d you get it?”

And Haruhi actually beamed after being asked, which alerted Taiga. Somehow, that didn’t seem like the reaction he wanted. Because he knew something off was going to go with it.

“Bought it recently!” she proudly said, like she had just won the lottery.

“Right, but—” Taiga was about to ask again, only for him to be cut off by what he was expecting, but still was surprised from.

“Hokuto told me about it,”

Fuck. Of course. Of course Hokuto did. Taiga  _ knew  _ there was something familiar and odd about the book. He  _ had  _ seen it before. Of course he had. With all of the nights he spent in Hokuto’s apartment, he was sure he’d encountered it one way or another.

It was a poetry book, which was a rare feat for Hokuto. Taiga remembered that Hokuto mentioned he only liked a specific number of Japanese poets, usually focusing on the western ones with Japanese translations. But this particular one, he loved. Said it was one of his favorite authors, and one of his favorite books. Something that he would always hold dear to his heart.

Taiga knew that because there was an instance at midnight—as he and Hokuto basked in the afterglow, naked underneath Hokuto’s warm sheets—where Hokuto grabbed the book. It was situated on his bedside table, neatly tucked there along with some others. He reached for it and opened a particular page, Taiga cuddling up against him as Hokuto still kept tracing circles on his skin. He read a few passages out loud, something about a love too deep, it could beat the seas, and too vast, it could beat the skies. 

Taiga remembered the words all too well. And he remembered how they made him feel. Absolutely terrified.

“I love the way the words are written. The author really does focus on expressing particular feelings. It’s nice,” Haruhi spoke again.

And Taiga remembered something. Remembered Hokuto whispering sweet nothings to him, words from specific poems in that very book, as he kissed his skin and made him feel like fireworks exploded in his chest. As he took him in all the ways that Taiga wanted him to, the dark of night hiding them from a cruel reality.

“Are you familiar with it?” Haruhi asked.

And immediately, Taiga answered, a little defensive, afraid to be caught. “No, no, I just— I was curious,” among other things. There were too many questions in Taiga’s head, and none of them he knew how to answer.

“Right. Well, I’m enjoying reading it. I’ll have to ask Hokuto for more recommendations. I think he and I have the same taste in literature. I really liked that one history book he leant me too. It was eye-opening,”

Taiga did notice that. That Haruhi had been mentioning Hokuto a lot, lately. Sometimes Taiga would overhear their conversations on the phone together. It wasn’t that much of a big deal, just book recommendations and recipe questions and the occasional short talks of no topic nonsense. It didn’t alarm Taiga as much. Or at least, not yet.

Should he be alarmed? Should he be worried that his girlfriend and lover seemed like they were starting to build a friendship? Something only  _ they  _ shared together, with each other,  _ without _ him?

Taiga didn’t even want to think about it. It did stir something in him. He wasn’t sure what it was yet, but he was damn well sure he wasn’t waiting around to find out or figure it out.

He needed to drown it out. Get it off his thoughts and off his head and make himself forget about it. Something about the image of Hokuto and Haruhi laughing together made Taiga feel like it was dangerous. And he wanted to get that image off his mind.

He carefully placed the Conan manga on the coffee table in front of the sofa, moving towards Haruhi’s end of the couch. Haruhi still seemed so engrossed in the book and honestly, what was so good about it anyway? What was so good about a book recommended by Hokuto anyway? A book that Hokuto apparently felt so much for. A book that meant a lot of him. Taiga didn’t understand.

“Hey,” he whispered low, catching Haruhi’s attention. She looked at him curiously at first, before understanding the look in his eyes.

So she placed a neat bookmark, something Hokuto gave her too, in between the pages she was reading. Taiga hated that he recognized even the stupid bookmark. Even when Hokuto wasn’t around, all Taiga could notice was pieces of him, of his personality, of his smile, all over his apartment. It was a bit overwhelming, sometimes.

Haruhi put the book down carefully too, right next to his Conan manga. She greeted him with a “Hey,” back, a mischievous look in her eyes and a sinister smile that could make all the people sin. Taiga crawled towards her, leaning in to capture her lips in a kiss. Gentle at first, trying to remove another’s name in his head and heart, screaming at him repeatedly.

Taiga kissed Haruhi a little deeper as she lifted her arms to pull him in closer, Taiga’s hands resting on her hips. He closed his eyes tight, trying to get rid of the haunting thoughts in his mind.

How Haruhi’s lips were soft, her skin smooth, her fingers small and thinner, her waist and body full of curves and soft and smooth lines and flowing patterns. And how they were a direct contrast to Hokuto’s jutting bones, angles and cuts and dips, long and lithe fingers that could reach  _ so deep,  _ his lips that could be gentle and rough all at once, at the same time.

Taiga hurried the kiss, trying to get Hokuto off his head. Trying his best to not think of him, not let him take over him. Not here, not now, not while he was kissing Haruhi. Not when Taiga was with the person he chose to be with, not who he actually  _ wanted  _ to be with.

_ Please. Please, not now. _

But all he could think of was Hokuto. Matsumura Hokuto and his lips and kisses and the ways he made Taiga feel. Even when Taiga touched Haruhi. Even when he kissed her skin, pretending that it was someone else’s.

So he kept his eyes closed. Because when his eyes were closed, he could pretend. Pretend that he was somewhere else, with someone else. Taiga could pretend that things were better than they were.

Taiga did love Haruhi. He really did. But he loved her differently. Not the way he—

He shook all of that away. He could focus on Haruhi, even just right now, even just at this very moment. Give her a love that she deserved. Make her feel good. She warranted as much.

Taiga could forget about  _ him _ for a while. Just a while. He could try to, at least.

But.

But even then. Even after they were done, even after Taiga had made them reach their highs, even after Haruhi grabbed at his shirt and wore it on her body telling him she was going to take a bath, even after she kissed him before walking away… Taiga hadn’t forgotten. It didn't work.

He still thought of Hokuto. Thought of how different he was from Haruhi. How Haruhi was beautiful on her own, heart and soul, and how she did actually make Taiga feel different things.

But it was that. They were different. Different from all the things he felt for Hokuto. All the things that consumed him when Hokuto even so much as breathed, sent a smile to his direction, looked at him with eyes that said all the words that need not be said but all the words that were understood.

He still thought of Hokuto. And all the ways Hokuto owned and held his heart. No matter how much he tried to throw the feelings away and deny it.

Taiga still thought of Hokuto. And how he felt more for him than he did for Haruhi.

* * *

_ Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;  
_ _ Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;  
_ _ Being vexed, a sea nourished with loving tears  
_ _ What is it else? A madness most discreet _

* * *

Lazy Sunday mornings were the best kind of mornings for Hokuto. Usually, especially when he would sleep early, he’d wake up early to start the day too, running errands and getting most of his chores done so he wouldn’t think about them later on. But Sundays were different. There was something about them that made him want to sleep in and keep dreaming, pretending that the only world that existed was the one inside his apartment, inside his bedroom, and on his bed. A stress free life, that only consisted of daydreams and warm sheets and the smell of freshly brewed coffee.

So the doorbell ringing  _ that  _ early in the morning—6 fucking AM to be exact—and disturbing his beauty sleep wasn’t exactly the best thing to wake up to. Especially not when he was dreaming of a soft smile, smooth glowing skin, butterfly kisses, blond hair, a moaning in his ear…

It rang again, repeatedly, annoying Hokuto with a passion. Whoever the fuck this was, he was going to send them away. He swore it.

Not bothering with a shirt on, Hokuto grudgingly got up from his bed, hair still unruly and boxers riding low on his waist. The steps he took to his front door were slow and lazy, already not wanting to deal with social interaction on a much needed social break. Sometimes—most of the time, really—having to deal with so many people was such a bother. It was exhausting having to keep up pretenses. This was why he only had a few friends.

He pressed on the button for the automatic lock to his door, turning the knobs for the double locks with slow movements. Whoever was on the other side, which he didn’t bother checking because there was no point to it, still rang the doorbell like crazy. So now it was ringing directly at his ear, his poor hearing, feeling a hammer that kept knocking him on the side of the head.  _ Stop, what the fuck,  _ he thought, an annoyance evident on his features.

He finally opened the door, was about to open his mouth to tell the other person to go away, when he saw bright blond hair in his vision, the person biting their bottom lip in...excitement?

Hokuto furrowed his eyebrows. “Taiga?” he said in his sleepy, groggy state, voice still raw and husky, and he was sure he was imagining it but he thought he just heard Taiga’s breath hitch. He looked at Taiga properly, then, while he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. Hokuto spotted a duffel bag being carried, hanging from the older boy’s shoulder. “Did you…run away from home or something?”

Taiga was smiling too big and too wide for someone who ran away from home. But it was a necessary question, after all. He had a huge bag with him. It looked heavy, too.

Taiga shook his head, eyes glowing, his smile widening. “Nope!”

Well  _ he  _ was in a chipper mood. It was already too much for Hokuto’s sleepyass head to process. “Then what are you…”

“Free day for you, right?”

“...yea? Why?” Hokuto raised an eyebrow.

“Me too,” Taiga said, then he bit his lip again, eyes traveling downwards, following the cuts and dips and lines of Hokuto’s body. From his chest, to the defined lines of his abs, to the v-line exposed from the  _ very low  _ hanging of his boxers and…yea. Good morning for Taiga.

“Oh. Uh, I didn’t know?” Hokuto was still confused, head still in it’s dreamy state. Was that supposed to mean something?

“Until tomorrow?”

Hokuto tried to recall as much as he could, despite his mind still not fully woken up. “Uh, I think a phone interview in the afternoon, but that wouldn’t take long.”

Hokuto didn’t know it was possible to smile even wider, but Taiga did. “Until tomorrow for me, too.”

But honestly, Hokuto was still so confused because…how did this concern him again?

“That’s, uh, that’s great?”

Without warning, Taiga stepped in Hokuto’s personal space, slithered between his body and the door, already dropping his bag somewhere in the hallway. He took off his shoes and discarded his socks, almost as if in a hurry. Hokuto closed the door and locked it, still looking at Taiga with confusion.

“What are you doing?”

“Making things easier,”

“For what? Are you—”

But Taiga’s lips were already on him, pulling Hokuto in by the neck and stepping backward. He pulled until his back hit the wall, leg already looping itself around Hokuto’s hips. Hokuto took about half a second to process what was happening before he actually started kissing back, wrapping his arms around Taiga’s petite waist.

But.

But still. It was broad daylight. Hokuto remembered who he was. Remembered who Taiga was. Remembered who Taiga was  _ with. _

Taiga’s free days were usually spent with Haruhi. Hokuto knew that much, after all. So he pulled away, hesitatingly, Taiga reaching forward and following his lips, already pouting at the loss of contact.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, caressing Hokuto’s jaw with a gentle touch. It sent jolts of electricity all over Hokuto’s body, sparks on his skin. Taiga had dark eyes that said so much, a lust in them that was glowing, like he was already planning something mischievous despite not being hidden by the cloak of night.

“I…” Hokuto gulped, gathered himself, “isn’t she… uhm. Don’t you usually… what about Haruhi?”

Taiga rolled his eyes. “Haruhi who?”

Hokuto narrowed his eyes at him, at his irresponsibility, thinking about how Haruhi must have been already wondering where Taiga was this early on in the morning. “Taiga, look—”

“Okay, relax,” Taiga chuckled, then smirked. “I was joking. Haruhi went to Chiba for the weekend. She’s visiting her parents. Won’t be back until the day after tomorrow.”

How... convenient. Ever since dating her, Taiga’s free days were spent mostly with Haruhi, since he and Hokuto could sneak around while at work, anyway, or after. Rare was a moment that Hokuto had Taiga all to himself, with no one else around to share him. To share his attention. To share his heart.

So maybe he could feel a little selfish, every once in a while. Maybe he was allowed to. Maybe it was fine,  _ just this once  _ to pretend that Taiga was his and  _ his only.  _

Hokuto let himself smile. Of course it was fine. Sure, it was temporary. Sure, one way or another, this was going to break his heart even more, eventually. Sure, it was just pretend. Sure, it was all an illusion.

But let it be an illusion. Magic was also an illusion, but it was still beautiful. It was still captivating. And he and Taiga together were  _ magic,  _ the very foundation of it, even. When they were together the impossible almost felt like it was possible. When they were together, Hokuto could feel stardust on his fingertips, could taste seafoam on his tongue, could smell a forever that he longed for. A forever that was almost in his grasp.  _ Almost. _

So Hokuto grabbed at Taiga, then. Pulled him in for another kiss, more hurried, more enthusiastic. He could feel Taiga smiling against his lips, and Hokuto couldn’t help but smile too, joining him. The only thing that mattered at the moment was the fact that Taiga was going to be  _ his,  _ no matter how short the duration. No matter how bleak their future looked.

Taiga pulled at Hokuto's hair, weaving his fingers through the waves of Hokuto’s jet-black tresses, feeling the soft and silky strands.  _ God,  _ he loved Hokuto’s hair. It was dark and bold, and it always left Taiga in a trance. Like a midnight halo on a fallen angel. Taiga couldn’t get enough of it.

“ _ Hokku, _ ” Taiga whispered, sneaking the younger boy’s name between kisses, Hokuto nipping at his bottom lip to gain access. “Hokuto, bedroom. Now.”

With little to no effort, Hokuto hoisted Taiga up in his arms, carrying him without breaking their kiss. He walked through the apartment with ease, having the place memorized like the back of his hand, kicking his bedroom door open slightly as he moved his lips lower to Taiga’s neck. Taiga let out a small, quiet moan of satisfaction, Hokuto’s lips on his skin feeling like a breath of fresh air. Like something that felt so natural. Something he couldn’t live without.

Hokuto placed Taiga as gently as he could on his bed, sheets still tangled from having just gotten up. But adrenaline shot through his system, hurrying, Taiga bouncing off a little from Hokuto’s bed as he dropped him, giggling. Hokuto smirked and bit on his bottom lip, almost like an adorable apology. Taiga wanted to kiss the smirk off his lips.

“Somebody’s eager,” Taiga teased, still giggling, the sound like beautiful symphonies to Hokuto’s ears.

“Can you blame me?” Hokuto responded, his voice still husky and hoarse and it made Taiga’s blood dance. He made a mental note to always call Hokuto when he had just woken up. Just to hear the sin in his voice drip like pure, raw honey.

Hokuto was about to lean down to capture Taiga’s lips in a searing kiss again. But he paused and just stared, in awe of his view.

Taiga had his bottom lip between his teeth, head tilted up to reveal the vast expanse of his neck, exposing the glowing skin there that already had red marks from Hokuto’s kissing. He had one hand beside his head, the other lying on top of his chest, like he was ready to get rid of their barriers already. To get things going. His eyes had turned glassy with want, a shade darker than usual, looking at Hokuto with a hunger he couldn’t exactly place. It looked something short of insatiable. And only Hokuto could satisfy it.

His beautiful hair was sprawled on Hokuto’s pillow, almost glowing, almost like sunshine and spotlights on a stage and starburst and a halo. All at the same fucking time.

Hokuto felt like he was bewitched. Like a spell was casted on him by the boy lying on his bed, staring into his eyes with intention. He got to have Taiga, even just for a while. Even just for now. It made Hokuto’s heart want to stop in his chest.

“ _ Mine, _ ” he couldn’t help but whisper. The word had left his lips before he could stop it, but not a single regret was given when he heard himself say it out loud. It was true. Or at least, he wished it was.

Taiga smiled, then. Innocent, and yet with mischief. Small, and yet held so much meaning. A revelation, and yet a deep dark secret.

“ _ Yours, _ ” he whispered back, capturing Hokuto’s heart in a tight hold, “now, today, tomorrow…”

Taiga didn’t continue. But Hokuto could hear it, in his voice. The need, the  _ want,  _ to say the next words, despite them not being true.  _ And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that.  _

But heartbreak was misplaced here. It didn’t belong in their little fantasy. So Hokuto let it be gone, focused on the fact that Taiga claimed himself as Hokuto’s. Claimed himself as  _ his.  _ Nothing else fucking mattered.

So he finally leant down to kiss Taiga, kissing him with a passion and familiarity that ignited his soul. “ _Mine,_ ” he whispered through their joined kiss, Taiga moaning in response, in agreement. “ _All fucking mine.”_

Hokuto took him in the ways that he could. All the ways he knew how to. And Taiga let him, without any hesitation.

It was around 10AM when Taiga’s stomach started gurgling, Hokuto laughing out loud at the sound, the both of them still breathing hard, basking in the afterglow.

“Jerk,” Taiga smacked at Hokuto’s bare chest, still in his hold, their feet and limbs and bodies tangled together under Hokuto’s warm sheets. “I didn’t exactly have time to get breakfast, okay.”

“That’s adorable,” Hokuto still laughed, but quieter this time, disentangling himself from Taiga to locate both of their boxers. “I need a shower, anyway. I’ll cook you brunch after.”

“Did I mention how glad I am that I know you?” Taiga smiled at him, already putting on one of Hokuto’s shirts.

“Ah, right, you only like me for my cooking,” Hokuto chuckled, joking.

“Correction: your cock  _ and  _ your cooking,”

Hokuto laughed again, the sound making Taiga feel tingly all over. “So you like it when I feed you then? Since my cock does—”

“Ew, go take a shower already, you’re disgusting,”

“Didn’t seem that way when you were on your knees—”

“La, la, la, la, I can’t hear you over the sound of my stomach rumbling. You better cook stuffed tomatoes!”

“You always have stuffed tomatoes,” Hokuto grabbed at his towel, not bothering with boxers on, and walked his way to his bathroom. “You’re welcome to join if you like.”

Taiga rolled his eyes. “Unlike you, Mr. ‘I’m so good at sports’, I actually need time to bounce back. Where the fuck do you get that stamina from, even? Jesus.”

“My stamina benefits both of us, you know,” Hokuto called out from inside the bathroom. Before Taiga could come up with a retort, the door was already closed, and he could hear water running from the shower.

Taiga smiled, a warmth in his chest. So this was what it was like to live with Hokuto, had they been given the choice to. Had they been given the opportunity to.

The best part was that it felt like this was how it was meant to be, since always. Hokuto started singing in the bathroom, and Taiga was tempted to harmonize his low notes with some high ones.  _ This  _ was how it was  _ supposed  _ to be. 

The worst part was, he actually forgot about what was out there, beyond Hokuto’s bedroom, beyond Hokuto’s apartment. The worst part was, he actually forgot about Haruhi. And her eventually coming back.

Taiga forgot because only Hokuto made him feel like this. Made him feel like he was home.

Because it was only Hokuto who he could pester while the younger boy made him his favorite food. Taiga sat on the island in the middle of Hokuto’s ever-so-wonderful kitchen, swaying his legs while he asked questions here and there. He offered some help with cooking, but Hokuto simply laughed and told him it was alright, that he could handle things. Taiga pouted but decided to just wait for his tomatoes to cook.

It was only Hokuto who he could annoy, asking if the dish was done yet because he was hungry and the tomatoes smelled divine from where he was sitting. Hokuto answered with a, “Always so impatient,” and went back to cooking, the apron covering him looking extremely adorable. As Hokuto bent down to put the tray of stuffed tomatoes in the oven, Taiga playfully kicked Hokuto’s butt from where he was sitting, trying to get his attention.

It was only Hokuto who wouldn’t get mad at him, but would catch his foot instead, smirking at him knowingly, Taiga already knowing that they were on the same page. “What?” he said, smirking as well, “it was an accident.”

Hokuto responded with, “Sure it was,” before facing Taiga and trapping him, one arm at each side. He placed his palms on the kitchen island, moving closer to Taiga, their faces inches away from each other. Taiga was tempted to already close the distance between them, but he waited it out, wanting Hokuto to move first.

Staring into Taiga’s eyes, Hokuto whispered low, pupils darker than usual. “Hey,” he said, gazing at Taiga’s full lips, a hunger in his eyes.

Taiga gulped and whispered a shaky and breathless, “Hey,” in return, before Hokuto finally went in for the kiss, soft but deep, moving slowly and surely. His lips fit perfectly against Taiga’s, a sigh passing between them, Hokuto feeling lightheaded and satisfied.

He tilted his head to the side, deepening the kiss further, Taiga taking a breath in between their kissing, Hokuto’s lips exerting an irresistible heat. Taiga couldn’t help but bring his arms up, one of his hands spread at Hokuto’s neck, for leverage, and the other smoothing through Hokuto’s soft hair. Hokuto pulled him in by the waist, Taiga wrapping his legs around Hokuto and locking his ankles on his lower back, moving closer. Anything to be able to get closer. Anything to feel all of Hokuto against him.

Hokuto pushed his body forward, hands lowering themselves to caress the skin of Taiga’s back, maneuvering their way to Taiga’s ass. Taiga let out a small moan when Hokuto’s fingertips touched the hem of his boxers, the shirt he was wearing—Hokuto’s adorable killer whale shirt—riding up and exposing his thighs.

Before Hokuto could move any further though, fully intending on continuing, the timer on the oven buzzed, indicating that their five minutes were up. The tomatoes were cooked, ready to be taken out.

“Let it burn,” Taiga said before Hokuto could do or say anything, lips moving against Hokuto’s, not wanting their kiss to end yet. “I’m not hungry anymore.”

Hokuto only smirked, pulling away from Taiga before he got fully locked in his hold, unable to break free. “Kyomoto Taiga wasting perfectly good tomatoes? Color me surprised,” he teased, already reaching for the oven mittens.

Taiga rolled his eyes, but let Hokuto go. He was hungry, after all. Maybe kissing could wait.

They sat in comfortable silence while eating, Taiga sneaking glances now and then at Hokuto every time he took a bite. Hokuto caught him every single time, smiling as Taiga enjoyed his food. He took the bottle of hot sauce and poured it over his own food, before taking a bite as well.

“I honestly don’t know how you enjoy that,”

“Keeps me fit,”

“Oh, well in that case,” Taiga’s voice dripped with sarcasm. But he had to admit, if the spicy food  _ did  _ keep Hokuto fit, then he didn’t have any complaints. Getting to see his chiseled abs and all that.

They washed the dishes together, after, bumping their hips and elbows. Hokuto’s hand brushed against Taiga’s hip, a soft hold there, as he reached for the plate rack at Taiga’s side, his touch leaving sparks in its wake.

“Quit touching me,” Taiga said, although his voice lacked a punch. He only said it because Hokuto’s touch always  _ did  _ things to him. Things he couldn’t comprehend.

“I didn’t though?” Hokuto responded, confused, fully unaware that he had touched Taiga’s hip out of habit.

“Yes you did, your hand was on my hip,”

“Okay, sorry then,” Hokuto stepped to the side, a little further away.

It took two whole seconds before Taiga stepped closer to Hokuto again, putting away the glasses they used.

“I wasn’t complaining,” he tried to say in a grumpy voice, but it only came out cute.

Hokuto chuckled in response, already wanting to kiss the frown off of Taiga’s lips. “You sounded like you were.”

“No, I wasn’t,”

With a smile, Hokuto wiped his hands dry with the kitchen towel, stepping away again. “Whatever you say, Kyomoto.”

Hokuto had planned his afternoon way differently before he knew Taiga would come. He was supposed to run errands and grocery shop and do a little bit of tidying up. It was supposed to be quite the productive day, actually. 

But Kyomoto Taiga quite literally barged into his door—like he did with his life, like he did with his heart—and changed all of that. Taiga had a knack for changing Hokuto’s plans. All of them, no matter how simple, no matter how impactful. And sometimes, they would have questionable end results. But sometimes, they would have the most marvelous effects.

Because Hokuto was definitely far from complaining. How could he? How could he when Taiga made his heart beat an unbelievable rhythm. Something he wished he could sing to, sometimes. It was riveting.

So rather than get on with his busy plans, Hokuto instead lazily sat down on one side of his sofa, clicking on the remote to turn on Netflix. Taiga, not wasting a breath, situated himself between Hokuto’s legs, already feeling at home. He wiggled and moved before getting into a comfortable position, grabbing at one of Hokuto’s hands and lacing their fingers together, Hokuto instantly tracing circles on his skin.

It was a nice feeling, being together like this. It felt so light when moments like these happened. Like all their problems didn’t exist at all. Taiga sighed in contentment, and Hokuto followed him, feeling the same. His hair tickled the bottom of Hokuto’s chin, soft and silky blond strands such a sight for Hokuto to see, smelling like the sweetest of all the daydreams. Hokuto’s heart swelled in his chest, glad that he got to have this, even just for now.

Then it broke the tiniest bit when he remembered that all of this was temporary. That it might as well have been a dream. But that was how Taiga usually was, anyway. Hokuto realized that before. Taiga had always been the sweetest dream. But he’d always been, at the same time, a beautiful nightmare. And the both of them had always been a beautiful lie, too goddamn afraid of the painful truth.

“Uhm,” Hokuto cleared his throat, tried to get rid of the thoughts in his head, “what do you wanna watch?”

Taiga shrugged, cozying up to Hokuto more. “Conan.”

Chuckling, Hokuto rearranged his legs better, so Taiga could fit more between them. “You always want to watch Conan.”

“You choose then. I’ll watch whatever,” Taiga said casually, playing with the sleeve of Hokuto’s sweater.

Hokuto put on whatever it was he hadn’t finished watching yet, restarting it. His movie watching the other day had been cut-off by Taiga arriving at his doorstep late at night and kissing him senseless, too wanting and too hungry to even make it to the bedroom. He had let Hokuto take him at the hallway, the younger boy pounding into him from behind as he screamed Hokuto’s name into the air with no forgiveness.

Hokuto shook his head to clear it from those thoughts. No need to think about them, after all. Especially not when Taiga was seated in between his legs.

He paid attention to his television screen again, the familiar words in English spoken by the character on the screen.  _ The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return. _

Hokuto had always preferred watching English movies in their language, putting on Japanese subtitles so it could help his learning. He’d been trying to learn more about English, lately. And well, he thought movies could help. At least they could entertain him while he was learning.

But the line repeated itself in his head.

_ The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love. _

_ And be loved in return. _

He tightened his hold around Taiga a fraction, almost like he was making sure that Taiga was still there, was still with him, was still in his arms. Making sure Taiga hadn’t suddenly vanished and left him empty-handed, again.

_ And be loved in return. _

Hokuto couldn’t stop himself from kissing Taiga’s cheek, reaching for him from behind. He tried to distract himself, trying to get rid of the words clouding his mind and what they meant. Taiga responded by angling his head towards Hokuto, like he was reaching for the kiss as well, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He was unaware that Hokuto had clung to that, to that small action, to the minute kiss he gave Taiga, to make his mind stop thinking thoughts that were unwelcome. Unwelcome and unwanted.

“You okay?” Taiga asked, moving closer to Hokuto, too, curious why Hokuto suddenly held him tighter.

Hokuto nodded hurriedly, trying to seem fine. “Yea, yea, I just…” he paused, “I’m okay. Really.”

_ Did Taiga love him in return? Did he? _

The question haunting his thoughts was left unanswered as the movie suddenly burst out in full volume, a scene playing in front of them, several women dressed in corseted dresses, dancing to a tune. It was a full on production, something that put the other stage plays Hokuto had seen to shame.

“I wish they would make this a musical here,” Taiga suddenly said, obviously admiring the way the movie was playing out. “If they did, I would definitely find a way to be in it.”

Hokuto expected that from him, of course. He realized that it was part of the reason why he chose this particular movie. Moulin Rouge: a stage play, a musical, but in the form of a film. It somehow felt like their worlds, his and Taiga’s worlds, had collided like this. 

“Who would you even want to play?” Hokuto asked, honestly curious. “Christian?”

A familiar tune started playing, and Hokuto knew from watching it before that  _ that _ particular scene was about to come up. He was proven right when the leading lady sang, a close up to her red lips, sparkling eyes, glowing skin, and glittering costume. 

The song continued on the screen, and Taiga immediately knew the answer to Hokuto’s question. “Of course not,” he said, the specific character capturing all of his attention. “I’d rather be Satine.”

Satine was beautiful, in all senses. A courtesan, the star of the show, the apple of everybody’s eyes. All the breaths would stop once she arrived. She dreamt of being an actress, she had the voice of all the angels, and she made the crowd sing with her in awe. It made perfect sense that Taiga wanted to play that role. Satine was dubbed “The Sparkling Diamond” after all. Nothing had described Taiga more than those words.

Besides, Taiga started to explore his roles more, lately. He wanted to go for more daring ones, this time. And Satine was perfect for him, had it been a possibility. Had he been given the opportunity and had they allowed it, Taiga would definitely go for it. 

“It would be fitting,” Hokuto smiled, already imagining Taiga in Satine’s costumes, tailor-made to fit his physique. Corsets and bustiers with jewels and shimmer, feathers and fluff hanging off the back. Not so different from the ones they wore on stage for their live shows. “You’d be great at singing her songs.”

Taiga only hummed in agreement, snuggling closer to Hokuto, as if it was his way of saying he was flattered.

The movie went on, and when the elephant scene came, they both laughed at how ridiculous Satine was being, and felt endeared at how awkward Christian was. It was…familiar to Hokuto, somehow. Not completely, not totally, but it was there. A hint of something he’d seen before, from someone else other than the characters on the screen. Someone more personal.

Christian sang out loud to Satine, his poetry and words instantly reaching her heart. Hokuto wondered if he could do the same. If his words, his own poetry that he hid from prying eyes, could have the same effect. Especially to the one he dedicated them to.

_ I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind, that I put down in words. _

Hokuto tightened his hold on Taiga again, like he was trying to tell him that he wanted to sing this song to him. These words that his heart also screamed when Taiga was in his presence, in his thoughts.

_ How wonderful life is, now you’re in the world. _

Taiga hummed to the tune, somehow already tattooing the melody into his memory. Maybe for a duet, someday. He could take the high notes, someone else could take the low notes. Someone he wanted to sing with. Someone he’d always wanted to sing with, and will never stop wanting to.

The line repeated again, as the song neared its end. Christian and Satine’s duet was marvelous. And as much as Hokuto and Taiga wanted to sing along, they both thought it might’ve taken away from the moment. So they hummed together, instead, Taiga in a high tune, Hokuto harmonizing with a lower one. Despite not having any words, their voices still sounded perfectly together. Still complimented each other in the best of ways. A harmony that was almost like it was made for them, and them alone.

The more the film went on, though, the more Hokuto realized it. “I like this movie,” Taiga had said to him, and Hokuto would agree, he would’ve, but he realized that the film told something that hit too close to him. Christian and Satine, not allowed to be together, pretending to not see each other, kissing behind closed doors and dark corners, hiding and sneaking around. Satine, the glamorous and gorgeous stage actress, and Christian, the shy and awkward and introverted writer who was immediately caught by Satine.

It felt familiar. It felt a little  _ too  _ familiar, actually. For Hokuto, it was right on target. The way they had snuck around, the way they had kept their secret, the way they would make excuses to see each other in private.

It was a little like Taiga and him. Or a lot like it, even. And Hokuto was slightly affected by that. By the time it was at the part of the montage of them meeting in secret, Hokuto plucked up the courage to ask Taiga if he was still enjoying the film.

“Hey, Taiga, are you…” he started, but when he checked on the boy sitting between his legs, he was pleasantly surprised. Taiga had dozed off in the middle of watching, cuddling close to Hokuto and snuggling up to him, to feel more of his warmth. Hokuto thought it was the most adorable thing.

So he paused the film that was playing, pausing on a scene where things were still good between Christian and Satine. When things were still smiles and laughs and happiness exchanged. Hokuto had watched this film once before. He knew how it would end. And he wasn’t looking forward to that.

So maybe he could pretend that where he paused was the ending. Maybe he could pretend that Christian and Satine lived happily ever after, in each other’s arms and in each other’s hearts. 

And maybe he could pretend that at that moment, his and Taiga’s fantasy was real, too. That this little pretend happiness of theirs  _ was  _ the happily ever after. Maybe Hokuto could pretend that this moment—with Taiga sitting comfortably in between his legs, in his embrace, the two of them fitting together like perfect puzzle pieces—was the actual reality.

Hokuto smiled when he saw Taiga, peacefully sleeping, calmly breathing. And he decided that he might as well join him, too. Maybe he could dream of something nicer, this time.

He turned off his television screen and held Taiga tighter, adjusting the older boy in his hold so they could be more comfortable together. Taiga approvingly moaned in his sleep, a soft sound that caught Hokuto’s heart. Hokuto kissed Taiga’s forehead softly, then the top of his hair, inhaling his scent that always seemed to hypnotize him. Hokuto whispered, “Goodnight,” before he settled comfortably on the couch. Then he closed his own eyes and held Taiga even tighter, his heart on his sleeve, his heart in Taiga’s hands.

By the time Hokuto had woken up from their short afternoon nap, it was around dinner time. Taiga was still sleeping peacefully in his embrace, breathing calmly, like he had no troubles in the world. Hokuto would’ve let him sleep, except he would have to get up to prepare their dinner, and he couldn’t exactly do that with Taiga still leaning on him.

Before he woke Taiga up, though, Hokuto was content with simply watching him. The way he breathed so slowly, so serenely. The way his long dark eyelashes touched his smooth cheeks, like the letters of a poem on a blank piece of paper. The way his soft blond hair fell to one side, to the side where he leaned on Hokuto, strands tickling Hokuto’s chin, still. The way his lips were pink and full, slightly parted, almost glossy. Like an invitation, whispering to Hokuto for a kiss. A small, chaste kiss, to wake him up from the daydream. So close, Hokuto could almost touch them with his own lips. He could just lean in, ever the slightest, and...

Taiga shifted a little, adjusting in Hokuto’s hold. “Cold…” he whispered in the smallest of voices, pulling Hokuto’s arms to wrap tighter around his figure, craving his warmth. The air conditioning had been on the entire afternoon, and Taiga was in nothing but his boxers and Hokuto’s sweater, after all. Of course he would be cold.

Hokuto smiled at him, then. Smiled at the killer whales printed in front of the shirt that seemed so lucky, now that they hugged Taiga’s body. Taiga seemed so cute in his clothes, almost like he was meant to be in them. But Hokuto didn’t think too much about that, lest he fell too much into a fantasy that he knew he couldn’t get back from. That he knew was impossible to be real.

“Hey, Taiga…” he whispered low, instead, voice laced with slumber, husky and raw. “Dinner. I need to get up.”

Taiga shifted again, furrowing his eyebrows and shaking his head a no. “No, no,” he whined, sounding years younger than he was, “stay here. With me. No leaving. Too cold.”

Hokuto let out a small laugh, amused. “I’ll get you blankets.”

“Don’t want blankets. Want you,”

“I have to make dinner,”

“No dinner. Only Taiga,” Taiga pouted, refusing to let Hokuto get up and go.

“I can’t exactly have  _ you _ for dinner,” Hokuto joked, only realizing that the words had sounded suggestive when he said them out loud.

“Yes, you can,” Taiga said casually, fully knowing the suggestion behind Hokuto’s words. “Feels good,” he angled his head towards Hokuto’s neck, leaving a light kiss there that immediately heightened Hokuto’s pulse.

But Hokuto tried to not let it affect him, seeing as they wouldn’t get anything done if he did.

“Come on, I need to. I promise I’ll make you tomato soup,”

There was a short pause in the moment, and Hokuto was going to check to see if Taiga had fallen asleep again, but the older boy let out a deep breath.

“Fine,” Taiga huffed, obviously still against Hokuto leaving his side, but knowing it was necessary. “But I’ll still sleep.”

Hokuto stood up and grabbed a blanket to put over Taiga, then went directly to the kitchen, preparing dinner and making sure to be as quiet as possible, so he wouldn’t wake Taiga up. He constantly stole a few glances of Taiga’s sleeping form, still breathing so slowly and calmly while he slept. Taiga hugged the blanket tight around his body, enjoying the warmth it provided.

Hokuto couldn’t help but smile at that. Sometimes Taiga did things that made him look so young, small and innocent. It was the cutest thing.

It was a direct contrast to how he usually looked: half-lidded, inviting, seductive, underneath Hokuto. Like pure sex, waiting to be devoured.

Hokuto shook his head, trying to shake the thoughts away. Is this what Taiga living in his apartment for two days caused? Constant thoughts of sex with him? And they weren’t even finished for the day. God.

When dinner was done, Hokuto softly woke Taiga up, who whined about five more minutes of sleep, but only to be adorable and not because he didn’t actually want to wake up. Hokuto had to kiss his cheek to get him to stand, but Taiga still dragged Hokuto’s blanket with him to the dining table, complaining about the place being too cold. His blond hair was a bit unruly, and it looked incredibly sexy from where Hokuto was sitting. So Hokuto focused his eyes on his food, refusing to be distracted.

But Taiga kept playing with Hokuto’s foot underneath the table, then lifted his foot to caress Hokuto’s thigh. “Taiga…” Hokuto said, voice already hoarse. Goddamn Kyomoto Taiga and how fast he could affect him.

Taiga feigned innocence. “What? I was just playing around,” but he still didn’t stop what he was doing, teasing Hokuto more. Taiga bit his lip and went on with his mischief, moaning the next bite, praising Hokuto’s cooking. “This is  _ really  _ good.”

Fucking— Hokuto was going to lose his mind. Even while eating, Taiga looked like he was pure seduction.

Hokuto pushed through and tried not to let it affect him. He was doing so good too. Both of their dinner bowls were empty and he didn’t lose control. Not one bit.

Taiga stood first and took his bowl and chopsticks with him, purposely letting Hokuto’s sweater ride up. It was too big on his figure, but he had found a way to lift it the slightest bit. When he placed his dirty dishes in the sink, the sweater lifted a little bit more, exposing the skin of his thighs and his ass, remembering what he had done before he walked to the dinner table. He could hear chopsticks falling after that, guessing Hokuto’s must have dropped his own.

Hokuto didn’t even expect that. When had Taiga done that anyway? When did he remove his boxers? Wait, he wasn’t wearing anything underneath. The shape of his ass—so perfect and bare—underneath the sweater.  _ His  _ sweater. Taiga wore  _ nothing  _ underneath  _ Hokuto’s  _ sweater. Fuck.

Hokuto grabbed his own dishes and power walked his way to the sink, gulping, biting on his bottom lip. He placed his dishes haphazardly somewhere, not caring where exactly, and breathed against Taiga’s neck.

“ _ You didn’t, _ ” he whispered into Taiga’s ear, standing behind him, close enough that Taiga could feel his heat, but not close enough that they were directly touching. Taiga was having none of that.

Taiga backed up so his ass was directly against Hokuto’s crotch, already feeling Hokuto’s cock harden underneath the sweats he was wearing. “ _ But I did, _ ” he whispered back, a moan to his words when Hokuto grasped his hips to steady him.

He thought Hokuto was going to take him right then and there, which Taiga had no problems with at all. They could deface all the surfaces in Hokuto’s kitchen for all he cared. But Hokuto grabbed his wrist instead, forced him to turn around, and looked directly into his eyes.

“Bathroom,” Hokuto said, voice deep, dripping with pure lust. Then he dragged Taiga towards the bathroom, intent on making him scream his name.

Taiga initially thought they were going to do it in the shower, or the bathtub, maybe, where water was actually involved. That would’ve been all kinds of hot, of course. But the moment they got in Hokuto’s luxurious bathroom, Hokuto couldn’t even take any more waiting and slammed Taiga against the closed door, attacking him with a vigorous kiss. He shoved his tongue between Taiga’s teeth, and Taiga immediately responded with his own, their tongues tangling together and making Taiga forget how to breathe.

Hokuto moved them around and pushed Taiga against the sink, Taiga already looping his leg around Hokuto’s hip, opening himself up. He could feel Hokuto’s hardening cock against his own, the sweater around his body not helping cover him that much. Hokuto thought the same, slightly pulling away from their kiss to hurriedly remove the sweater off of Taiga’s body, leaving him completely naked.

“Fucking—” Hokuto cursed, feelings Taiga’s lithe fingers work on his own shirt, calloused fingertips touching his skin and driving him crazy with want. He yanked his shirt above his head, too impatient to wait for Taiga to finish doing it. So Taiga redirected his hands to Hokuto’s pants, pushing them down with the younger boy’s tight boxers, pulling Hokuto’s cock free from its barrier. Hokuto hissed when the air greeted him, Taiga immediately wrapping his cock in a tight hold, bumping it with his own.

Hokuto grabbed Taiga’s ass in a firm grasp and hoisted him up the sink, pulling Taiga as close to him as possible, their skin sticking to each other. He tore his mouth away from Taiga’s and attached it to Taiga’s neck, licking and sucking on the skin there, determined to make marks. He grazed his teeth on Taiga’s collarbones, Taiga moaning out loud from Hokuto’s lips on his skin.

Taiga threw his head back as Hokuto moved lower, licking at his nipples with a skilled tongue, making him whine and whimper from sensitivity. Hokuto flicked the little nubs with his fingers, pinching on them ever the slightest, making Taiga squirm. “ _ God, yes, _ ” he moaned, before Hokuto kissed him again, as hurried and as heated.

Already stretched from their earlier fucking, Taiga didn’t even waste any time and angled Hokuto’s cock towards his entrance, moving forward so Hokuto could slide right in. His own cock was leaking with pre-cum, and Hokuto swiped at his slit with a thumb, making Taiga feel like he lost all forms of sanity. Hokuto pumped at his cock, achingly slow, a tease and torture, Taiga feeling like he was slowly being driven to the edge but not exactly reaching. He whined again, “Hokuto,  _ please, _ ” but Hokuto wouldn’t budge. Even slowed down his movements more, as a response. Taiga wanted to scream out of sexual frustration.

But he didn’t mind that and focused on Hokuto’s cock again, instead. On getting Hokuto to push inside him, feel him throbbing inside of him again, thrust inside him with no forgiveness. Taiga pushed forward and angled the tip of Hokuto’s cock to his rim, pushing again to envelop it in his tight heat.

Hokuto pushed forward suddenly, Taiga moaning out loud when Hokuto’s cock slid right in with no reservations and no difficulty, like it was familiar territory. To which it was, of course. They had done this too many times to recall, like it was already second nature.

Before Taiga could take a second breath, Hokuto was already pulling out and pushing back in, thrusting into him hard and deep, Taiga gasping, fingernails digging into Hokuto’s skin. He clawed at the younger’s back, nails making deep red welts in their wake, making his own marks as payback for what Hokuto did with his own teeth. Taiga moaned and gasped and cried out in pleasure, Hokuto not holding anything back, rough and ready, thrusting hard, fast and deep into Taiga.

Hokuto lifted his head, then, opening his eyes slightly to check his reality. If all of this was actually happening. If all of it was real. Then he saw his reflection in the mirror, sweaty, eyes darkened with want, lips swollen from kissing Taiga. And before he could stop himself, he was already acting on the idea that popped into his head, purely driven by lust.

He quickly pulled out of Taiga and pulled him off of the sink, making him stand on the tiled floor. “Hokuto, what are you—” Taiga started to ask with a shaky breath, before gasping out loud when Hokuto turned him around and fully sheathed himself inside Taiga again, taking him from behind. Taiga hung his head, pleasure reaching to the tips of his toes, the new position making him feel even more of Hokuto’s cock.

But before Taiga could fully lower himself, Hokuto grabbed at his neck and lifted his body, mouth directly at his ear. His lips caressed the shell of Taiga’s ear before he growled, voice husky and raw. “Open your eyes,” Hokuto demanded, sounding dominating and assertive, making Taiga’s heartbeat faster, a thrill dancing through his blood and veins. “Open your eyes, Taiga. Look in the fucking mirror.”

Taiga complied and slowly opened his eyes, Hokuto’s hold on his neck tight enough to excite him, but not tight enough to constrain him. It was just the right kind, making Taiga feel like his whole body was on fire. Hokuto pushed him against the sink again, slightly lifting him off the ground, left on his tiptoes. He could see them through the mirror, his pupils dilated from lust, and Hokuto's own pupils blown as well. They were both sweaty and panting and stuck together and seeing it made him  _ feel it  _ even more. Hokuto’s fingers digging into his neck, his other hand tightly holding Taiga’s leaking cock, Taiga’s hands on the sink and holding himself up.

Taiga was about to speak when Hokuto suddenly thrust into him, and he choked on a moan, closing his eyes, almost crashing onto the sink had Hokuto not been holding him. Hokuto pulled him up against him again, another growl into Taiga’s ear. “You’re not allowed to close your eyes,” he said, Taiga opening his eyes wide. “You keep them on me, Taiga.”

“Even when I—” Hokuto thrust into him again, and this time, Taiga kept his eyes open as much as he could.

“Even when you fucking come,” Hokuto sucked on his neck from behind, moving his lips to bite on Taiga’s shoulder.

It was the most erotic thing Taiga had ever experienced.

Hokuto let go of his neck afterwards, one hand pressing down on Taiga’s lower back while the other grabbed onto Taiga’s shoulder and pulled, thrusting repeatedly into him. Taiga held himself up with his hands on the sink, moaning and whimpering, keeping his eyes open as Hokuto pulled in and out of him. They looked at each other through the mirror, refusing to break eye contact as Hokuto repeatedly thrusted into Taiga, Taiga soon meeting him in the middle and pushing against him. They built a rhythm, purely riding on feelings of lust and want, taking pleasure from each other’s bodies.

Groaning out loud, Hokuto felt pleasure build up inside of him, increasing his pace, still looking at Taiga in the mirror. He never imagined that this was what they looked like when they fucked. His hair a tangled mess, lips swollen from Taiga’s biting, hands grasping Taiga tight as his fingers sank into the older boy’s skin. When he searched Taiga’s eyes, he realized that Taiga was thinking the same thing. That Taiga realized that  _ this  _ was what he looked like when Hokuto fucked him. Took him and his body and his heart and made everything feel even more alive.

A sudden rush of adrenaline passed through Hokuto’s veins, and he grabbed the back of Taiga’s knee and lifted his leg to rest on the sink, stretching him even further and angling his cock upwards.

Taiga almost faltered and lost control and looked away, but he stood his ground and moaned out loud instead, Hokuto hitting him deep inside with the new angle. Hitting the spot within him that made the fire in his blood ignite. “ _ Fuck,” _ he cursed, Hokuto’s hand going back to his neck and making things feel even more ablaze. 

“Touch yourself,” Hokuto demanded, a deep baritone to his voice, sounding foreign but familiar. Something Taiga wouldn’t mind hearing over and over again. “Touch your cock, Taiga.  _ Now. _ ”

Taiga wrapped a tight hand around his cock without hesitation, immediately pumping himself fast and hard. Hokuto pounded into him repeatedly, the angle making it better for Hokuto to perfectly hit his prostate, driving him closer and closer to the edge.

“Hokku—” Taiga gasped, Hokuto’s hand moving to grasp his jaw tighter, Taiga taking one of Hokuto’s fingers in his mouth. A familiar feeling of heat pooled low in his belly, his release building up more. Taiga pushed his upper body up off the sink, keeping his right hand around his cock, using his left to fist Hokuto’s hair behind him. He moaned louder and longer, Hokuto’s tight hand around his jaw constraining his voice, but making him feel a thousand heights higher. Hokuto bit the skin of his neck, sucking a big red spot, right on his pulse, never breaking eye contact. If Taiga had known way before that mirror sex with Hokuto was going to be this intense, he would’ve asked for it sooner.

“ _ Come for me, Taiga, _ ” Hokuto whispered with a groan, sending shivers down Taiga’s spine. He pushed Taiga’s leg higher, stretching him even more, hitting him deeper and harder, directly at his sensitive spot.

Taiga moaned again, voice pitching up higher, back arching. A bit more, and he would be gone. He could feel it. “Hokku— I— I can’t— I’m gonna—” he tried to say as coherently as possible, Hokuto’s finger still in his mouth. Hokuto let go of his shoulder and grabbed a fistful of his hair, pulling just enough to push Taiga over the edge.

Taiga shook and shivered as he came, convulsing as his insides fluttered around Hokuto’s throbbing cock, contracting against him. Hokuto followed him after one or two thrusts, spilling white hot liquid inside of him, while Taiga coated his own fingers and the sink’s surface with his own come, feeling stretched further when Hokuto’s cock throbbed and came.

Their rhythm became staggered, losing its pattern, but it didn’t stop them from coming intensely all the same. Taiga wrapped Hokuto’s name around a moan and screamed, voice higher than usual, harmonizing with Hokuto’s low growls and groans of his name. He fisted Hokuto’s jet-black tresses tighter, pulling at them with a force that urged Hokuto on. 

And their eyes never left each other’s in the mirror, seeing each other’s blissed our state. Seeing each other reach the highest point of climax,  _ because  _ of each other’s actions and bodies. Taiga saw Hokuto’s eyes darken even more, pupils fully blown, and he didn’t know if it was just the mirror because he thought he saw his eyes do the same.

They rode out their highs, stilling for a short moment before Hokuto sneaked in another thrust, two, and Taiga spilled even more. His breath was caught in his throat, a silent scream to his face when pleasure shot through his entire system, caused by Hokuto and how he knew all of the ways to make Taiga reach the brink of insanity.

They both tried catching their breaths as they slowed, coming down from their high. Hokuto breathed against Taiga’s neck, placing a soft kiss on the side of his head, then his hair, the back of his neck, the top of his spine, and on his shoulder blade. Taiga could feel Hokuto’s entire cock leave him when he pulled out, whimpering a little with each inch. 

Taiga finally crashed on top of the sink, their eyes leaving each other now, as Hokuto placed his leg back firmly on the ground. But Hokuto still held him up, supporting him as his knees shook, afraid they were going to give out had Hokuto not held his hip. Taiga forced air back into his lungs, hearing Hokuto pant behind him too, the both of them breathless.

Then, Hokuto spoke, voice a little soft despite his current state. “Taiga, I—” he started, “Are you okay? I’m so sorry, I don’t— Was I too—”

But Taiga was having none of that. He knew Hokuto would worry after, because he always did worry about him. So he quickly forced himself up and turned around, pulling Hokuto in for another kiss before he could say any more words. 

The kiss was hurried, but it wasn’t as rough as the earlier ones. A reassuring kiss, hopefully something that could calm Hokuto and tell him, without words, that Taiga did like what he did. Loved, even. More than he ever thought. Taiga pulled Hokuto in towards him, wanting to feel his body against him, to feel his warmth. To feel more of his kisses and his lips and his feelings.

“Are you kidding?” Taiga said when he pulled away slightly, forehead resting against Hokuto’s. “That was the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Because he did like things rough, from time to time. And he would never ever deny that Hokuto being rough with him turned him on in so many different ways.

Hokuto gave him a shy and innocent smile back, which was ridiculous considering what had just happened. How Hokuto could be sex on legs at one moment, and the most innocent looking boy the next, Taiga would never understand. But Hokuto pulled him closer too, hands around his waist tight, and  _ that  _ Taiga did understand. He understood that perfectly.

“I’m glad,” Hokuto responded, giving him another chaste kiss.

Taiga smiled. “Bathtub?” he whispered, because Hokuto lathering up body soap and spreading it all over him sounded relaxing and amazing and Taiga would very much like it.

“Yea. Definitely,” Hokuto nodded.

“Oh, but the dishes?”

“After?”

Taiga nodded in agreement. “Okay,” he said, then he laced his fingers with Hokuto’s, kissing him again while he pulled him towards the bathtub.

After cleaning themselves up, and washing the dishes while bumping hips, they went straight to the bedroom, exhaustion finally creeping in. Taiga didn’t hesitate at all in cuddling up against Hokuto, pulling the younger boy’s arms around him as they spooned, Hokuto warm and nice against his back.

Hokuto whispered a soft “Good night,” to Taiga before wrapping the both of them in his warm blanket, Taiga already in the brink of sleep.

Taiga whispered a “Good night,” back, almost too scared of the feeling that was bubbling up inside his chest. That he was the most comfortable and safe, like this. In Hokuto’s bedroom, in his embrace, wrapped up in his arms.

But Taiga pushed those thoughts away when Hokuto kissed his hair, making his heart jump. He would worry some other time. Now, he was safe. Now, he was at ease. They were okay. Hokuto softly and silently breathed along with him, in harmony, always. And that was all that ever mattered.

-

The cold air from the air conditioning greeted Hokuto as he shifted on the bed, a calmness and comfort to his thoughts, knowing he had a good sleep. He furrowed his eyebrows when he couldn’t feel any warmth beside him, though, vaguely remembering that he wasn’t alone that evening. That he had company with him when he went to bed. Someone in his tight hold, smelling of sakuras and shampoo and all things good in the world. 

He stretched his arm, trying to reach for somebody, looking for them blindly while his eyes were still closed. But he couldn’t find them. He was alone. Did he dream everything last night? Was it all just a figment of his imagination, designed to torture him with budding hope that couldn’t have been real? Hokuto finally cracked his eyes open a little to check his surroundings, and true enough, he was alone. Nobody was beside him. The cold air felt even chiller now, an empty feeling in his chest. He should have expected as much.

Taiga has already left. Of course he did. He wasn’t expected to stay until morning, after all. He didn’t have to. Hokuto had no right in making him stay. He—

A faint tune could be heard from the distance, the sound of piano chords echoing through the halls of the quiet apartment. Hokuto wondered where it had come from at first, then suddenly remembered and breathed a sigh of relief.

Right, of course. Taiga must have taken an interest in his keyboard. He always seemed to gravitate towards music, no matter where he was, no matter what he did. It was one of the things Hokuto liked best about him. His passion for what he loved without question. Taiga told him one day, while they were on top of tangled sheets, limbs just as tangled together, that if he could marry music he definitely would. And Hokuto didn’t doubt him one bit.

Hokuto got up from the bed, not bothering to straighten his hair and shirt, still riding on waves of sleep. He silently walked towards where his keyboard was, at a little nook in the living room, next to shelves of sheet music and a small table for writing. 

The keyboard faced the window, Hokuto remembering he preferred watching the world unfurl before him while he played, inspiring him somehow. So when he watched Taiga, the older boy’s back was to him, playing soft notes on a low volume, a tune Hokuto was familiar with but couldn’t place a finger on.

Hokuto leaned on the wall, content with observing Taiga from a small distance. He wondered how long he could stand there going unnoticed, already happy with watching Taiga complete his morning by playing music. A smile crept on his lips, his heart feeling full, when Taiga played a specific tune, the sound making all the butterflies in his stomach flutter. Hokuto felt a throb in his chest, moving at a staccato, his heart loving the view.

Taiga finished playing a verse before sighing out loud, taking his fingers off the keys. He sifted through Hokuto’s music sheets, trying to look for another piece he could play, looking at the collection next to him. In his peripheral vision, he sensed Hokuto’s tall figure, still leaning on the wall, watching him. Taiga turned towards him with slight surprise, but smiled immediately after, the sight making him feel lightheaded. There should be a specific place in all of the heavens for Hokuto’s morning look. He looked especially good when in that state.

“Good morning,” Taiga greeted him, his voice cutting through the thick air. Hokuto smiled warmly at him, looking at him with eyes that held so many words and so many feelings. Taiga could feel every single one of them pierce through his being.

The younger boy walked the small distance to the nook, Taiga scooting on the piano bench to make way for Hokuto. He let go of the music sheets and tried to tell his heart to calm down.

Hokuto sat beside him, leaning back, bumping their shoulders together as he immediately wrapped an arm around Taiga out of habit, hand landing on Taiga’s hip. He really needed to stop doing that so much. Taiga was getting too used to it.

Taiga’s hands had always looked beautiful, Hokuto noticed. But they did especially when he was doing what he loved. When he used them to play instruments. When he used them to make music. Taiga and music fit together like a perfect picture: one without the other just wouldn’t be the same. Hokuto placed a soft kiss on Taiga’s bare shoulder, exposed because the sleeve of Hokuto’s sweater had hung low on his arm, showing off his jutting collarbones and soft pale skin. “Play me something,” Hokuto whispered, making Taiga’s heart skip a beat.

Taiga’s breath hitched. And before he could speak, Hokuto placed a chaste good morning kiss on his lips, tasting of midnight memories. “I always love it when you make music.”

“ _ You  _ should play me something. It’s your keyboard, after all,” Taiga said, feeling a little bit shy and a bit vulnerable. His music was something he held dear to his heart. And playing music for Hokuto, especially music that he composed, music that was most likely  _ about  _ Hokuto himself, made Taiga feel even more naked than when all of his clothes were off.

Hokuto simply smiled in response and kissed his shoulder again, then moved to place another kiss on his neck. Taiga could feel his heartbeat speeding up. “Please?” Hokuto whispered, breath tickling Taiga’s skin. He couldn’t exactly say no after that.

So Taiga cleared his throat and sat up a little bit straighter, shaking his nerves off. He started with a slow melody, the intro to the song soft and serene. He contemplated whether or not he should sing along, sing the lyrics he wrote about Hokuto out loud. But he decided against it when Hokuto scooted closer to him, their thighs and knees touching, capturing Taiga in a trance. 

The words were so raw and real, lyrics so telling of his feelings. Of how much he felt for Hokuto, and how much he actually did dedicate his heart to him, no matter how much he denied it and avoided it sometimes. So he decided not to sing them out loud, not because he was afraid of them not being reciprocated, but because of the complete opposite. Because he was afraid—he  _ knew _ —that the feelings were returned, probably increased tenfold by a heart so loving and true. And he didn’t know what to do if they both acknowledged that.

He played until the chorus, tempo escalating slightly, before he stopped altogether, hands resting on the soft keys of the keyboard. Taiga was about to remove his hands when Hokuto placed his own hands on the keys, then moved them above Taiga’s.

“That’s a C,” Hokuto asked, mimicking the way Taiga’s fingers were placed, “right?”

Taiga gulped before answering. “Yea,” he said, “C, that’s right.”

Before Taiga knew it, Hokuto was placing his hand underneath Taiga’s, lacing their fingers together in a tight hold. Then he brought Taiga’s hand up to kiss the smooth skin there with soft lips, once, twice. Taiga held his breath the entire time.

“Good morning,” Hokuto said, voice husky. “I thought you left.”

Taiga could hear the slight heartbreak in Hokuto’s words, making his own heart break as well. He should’ve stayed in bed, he knew it, but there was something so heavy about Hokuto waking up next to him. Like he didn’t have the privilege of witnessing that. What with all the times he had broken Hokuto’s heart, after all.

“Of course not,” was what Taiga said instead, because it was the truth. He really didn’t plan on leaving. At least, not yet.

“I’m glad,” Hokuto replied with a smile, then he lifted his head up to kiss Taiga again, apparently still swimming in the remnants of slumber. Taiga kissed back, though, the action too sweet to ignore. Hokuto always did things he could never resist. Not that he would want to, anyway.

“Hokuto…” Taiga whispered into the kiss, Hokuto angling his head, “breakfast?”

Hokuto chuckled. “I could have  _ you _ for breakfast.”

“Not that I wouldn’t want that but I could really use miso soup right now,” because Taiga had just realized he actually was hungry, and Hokuto’s homemade miso soup sounded amazing.

Hokuto kissed him again before finally tearing himself away from Taiga, complying with his request. “Alright then, young master.”

And Taiga rolled his eyes playfully in response, before following Hokuto to the kitchen, watching him prepare their food.

Hokuto volunteered in washing the dishes this time, after they ate, saying that Taiga should be careful with his hands because he used them to play instruments and make music. Taiga complained and insisted on helping, but Hokuto wouldn’t budge, still, leaving Taiga pouting as he sat on the kitchen island again.

“I’m not totally useless,” he said. “And my hands would be fine.”

Hokuto knew they would be, of course. It was just washing dishes. But he still thought of it as a risk. He wouldn’t want Taiga wearing his hands out for something he could do on his own. “You need your hands for something else,” he said, drying the plates and bowls, “and I’m used to this.”

Taiga picked up on Hokuto’s words, though, a smirk sneaking its way onto his mouth. “Need them for?”

“Music,” was Hokuto’s immediate answer, “and instruments to make that music.”

“Right, of course,” Taiga slipped off of the kitchen island, catching himself. He snaked his hands around Hokuto as the younger boy neatly placed the dishes and utensils on the drying rack, aware of what Taiga had just done. “And for something else too,” Taiga moved his hands lower on Hokuto’s body, intent on a destination that he was all too familiar with. “Right?” he whispered, palming Hokuto through his sweats.

Hokuto’s body instantly reacted to Taiga’s touch, biting his lip when he felt Taiga stroking him against his sweats. Taiga’s hands  _ were  _ good at that. They were the best at that, even. Hokuto could never resist them.

He spoke, voice hoarse. “Is this the part where I get to have you for breakfast?”

Taiga smirked again. “You did mention that earlier, yes. And because you were so good with cooking the miso soup,” Taiga turned Hokuto around, pushing up against him, their hardening cocks knocking against each other despite the many layers of fabric in between. “I think you deserve a reward.”

Hokuto smirked back, already knowing what he wanted to do. 

They ended up in the shower, somehow, because it was cost effective after all. Having sex and taking a bath at the same time would be like killing two birds with one stone: they would make each other come  _ and  _ they would be clean. It was a win-win.

Or at least that was what they kept telling themselves. In reality, they just wanted to check a kink off their list. Taiga especially. Something about the image of water running down on Hokuto while he fucked him made him thirsty for the younger boy even more.

So the shower rained down on them as they kissed hurriedly, Hokuto setting the temperature a little bit on the cold side, making Taiga’s skin tingle. Taiga ran his fingers through Hokuto’s hair, seeming darker now that it was wet, brushing a few rebel locks that had stuck to the boy’s forehead.

He moaned in the kiss, their naked bodies sliding together, Taiga’s cock hard as Hokuto himself forward, rubbing his own cock against Taiga’s. Hokuto reached below and wrapped both of their cocks in his big hands, pumping them both at the same time. Taiga opened his mouth wide, moan stuck in his throat, Hokuto shoving his tongue inside to lick at the roof of his mouth.

Taiga looped his leg around Hokuto’s hips, wanting more of his touch and his skin. “ _ God, fuck— _ ” he cursed when Hokuto increased his pace, them knocking against each other. Taiga wrapped his own hand around them, fingers barely closing as Hokuto’s cock throbbed under his touch. Then Hokuto pulled away suddenly, aggression driven by lust present. He looked at Taiga with dark, clouded, half-lidded eyes that hid behind his wet bangs before making Taiga turn around.

Hokuto knelt on the bathroom floor, pushing Taiga up against the wall. Taiga’s nipples hardened when his skin touched the cold surface, the sensitive nubs rubbing up against the wet tiles, making him moan out loud again. Hokuto stretched Taiga’s ass cheeks apart, blowing on Taiga’s puckered hole with hot breath, making Taiga squirm. He placed wet kisses on Taiga’s ass, kissing around his entrance, purposely avoiding where Taiga wanted him most.

Taiga’s nails scratched the bathroom walls, already a mess from Hokuto’s teasing. “Fucking— Hokuto,  _ please, _ ” he begged, “ _ Fuck. _ ”

Grazing his teeth against one of Taiga’s cheeks, Hokuto lined Taiga’s rim with his tongue before finally swiping it along Taiga’s entrance, taking a long lick to make sure he gets a taste. Taiga mewled and caught himself, the heat of Hokuto’s tongue a direct contrast against the cold shower hitting his back. Hokuto smirked and took a long lick again, wanting to hear Taiga’s moans over and over. He stuck his tongue out and poked at Taiga’s entrance, stretching him further with his hands. Taiga felt his entire body shiver.

“Mmm,” Hokuto moaned, “you taste good.”

He flattened his tongue and licked at Taiga’s entrance again, lapping him up with newfound vigor, urged by the sounds of Taiga’s moans. His hair stuck to his forehead as the water rained down on both of their bodies, temperature cold, a contrast to how they were feeling. Despite the cold of the shower, the glass doors of Hokuto’s shower filled with mist, purely coming from their heat. 

“Need—ah—” Taiga moaned. “need you inside. Want you inside me,” he said, Hokuto still licking inside him. “Feels so good,  _ Hokuto. _ ”

God, Hokuto loved it when Taiga said his name. He always made it sound so dirty when they were having sex. Like the word was full of sin and he was more than willing to commit it. Hokuto could listen to it over and over and never get sick of it.

“Say my name, Taiga,” he demanded, still licking at Taiga, his own cock hardening. “Say it again.”

“ _ Hokuto, _ ” Taiga didn’t hesitate, moaning Hokuto’s name out loud as if it was the only way he could say it. The only way he was allowed to say it.

Then, feeling mischievous, Hokuto lifted a hand, landing on Taiga’s ass with a light spank, Taiga gasping in response. Fuck, he needed more of that. He wanted more of it.

“ _ Again,  _ I—” Taiga gasped again when Hokuto spanked his other cheek, then spread him and licked further into him. Hokuto spanked him harder, Taiga standing on his tiptoes from the pleasure running through his system. He didn’t expect to get so worked up this early in the morning. It wasn’t even 10am yet. But then again, he should’ve expected as much, considering he was in Hokuto’s apartment. They couldn’t get their hands off each other, even if they did try. Which of course, they didn’t.

Hokuto spanked him again, and  _ fuck,  _ Taiga really needed Hokuto inside now. He was feeling too empty.

“ _ Fuck me, Hokuto, _ ” he said, voice reverberating off of the bathroom tiles, not knowing that he could sound that desperate and that dirty. “ _ Fuck me now. _ ”

Groaning out loud, Hokuto took another long lick at Taiga’s rim before kissing his way up, peppering kisses all over Taiga’s skin, where his lips could reach. When he stood, he turned Taiga around again, kissing and sucking at his neck before hoisting the older boy up in his arms, lifting Taiga off the ground. He aimed his cock at Taiga’s entrance, too hard to even need guiding, but Taiga still took hold of him anyway. Taiga lined Hokuto up before Hokuto pushed home, immediately wrapped in Taiga’s warmth, the cold water helping things feel slicker.

Gravity was a thing of beauty, Taiga concluded. Because with them like this, Hokuto carrying him while he thrusted into him, gravity pulling Taiga back down and meeting Hokuto half-way, he felt even fuller. Felt Hokuto’s cock all over, throbbing inside of him, hitting him exactly where Taiga wanted him. They’ve done wall sex before, but this was different. The added factor of the water just made things feel even more intense.

As if suddenly aware of it too, Hokuto reached towards the shower knob, turning the temperature up a little, hot enough that it singed their skin in a delicious warmth, adding to the heat growing between them and their bodies. Taiga threw his head back in pleasure, the new temperature working its way all over his system, Hokuto’s cock feeling even hotter inside of him. Hokuto continued to attack his neck, licking at the exposed skin with a talented tongue and sharp teeth, fangs digging into Taiga, leaving bite marks. He thrust in deeper, angling his hips upwards, making Taiga scream louder with want.

Hokuto pounded into him, Taiga moaning louder and longer when Hokuto sped up, then groaned in frustration when he was so close, he was  _ right there,  _ but Hokuto decided to slow down. It took a few more rounds of that before Taiga forced Hokuto’s head up with a hand gripping his hair, making him look at him.

“Quit teasing,” he demanded, but Hokuto simply smirked at him and thrust again, and Taiga couldn’t help but pull him closer. He kept his eyes on Hokuto, who leaned forward, close enough to breathe his air, but not close enough to actually kiss him. Taiga was so hungry.

He pushed forward and kissed Hokuto, not being able to resist. Taiga bounced on his own, meeting Hokuto’s thrust and making him feel fuller. He tried to speed things up, but Hokuto had an iron grip on his hips, preventing him from moving faster. He was so frustrated, already so close to coming so many times, but Hokuto stopped every single one, delaying his gratification.

“Hokuto, I swear to  _ Christ _ —” Taiga cursed, moaning again when Hokuto’s cock hit him directly at his prostate. “If you don’t stop teasing, I swear, I will—”

But Hokuto gripped Taiga’s ass then, stretching Taiga further, thrusting into him. He reached deeper with the change in angle, Taiga clawing at his back and making red marks when Hokuto thrust again. He touched himself, pumping at his own cock because Hokuto being  _ so deep _ felt  _ so fucking good,  _ Taiga was at a loss. The water kept raining down on them, kept hitting both of their bodies and heating up the shower, glass doors fogging up from the sex and the temperature.

Hokuto thrust in harder and faster, the pleasure inside Taiga slowly and surely building up. He fully expected the younger boy to slow down again, because he was so close to coming, so close to toppling over the edge. But Hokuto didn’t slow down one bit. He kept going, kept taking pleasure from Taiga’s body and his tight heat and  _ fuck,  _ Taiga was there, he was so there, he could almost taste it.

“ _ God, fucking _ —” Hokuto groaned, moving to bite at Taiga’s shoulder, so close to coming too. And he wished Taiga was there with him because he didn’t know much more he could take. “ _ Taiga _ —” he growled, moving to Taiga’s collarbone.

“ _ Yes, yes, fuck yes, _ ” Taiga moaned repeatedly, sounding like a chorus of hallelujahs. He was so fucking close.

With another thrust, Taiga was falling apart, moaning Hokuto’s name out loud. The sound of the shower water drowned out his voice a bit, but not enough for it to not echo throughout the bathroom, bouncing off of the walls. He lifted himself and stilled, but bounced again when Hokuto kept thrusting into him, finding his own release.

Hokuto groaned against Taiga’s neck when he came, nails digging into Taiga’s hips, marking him with bruises that were not going to go away any time soon. Taiga added more scratches on Hokuto’s back, anchoring himself to reality, mind swimming in a pool of endorphins as he came hard, spilling all over his fingers. Hokuto himself stilled, filling Taiga up with his come, as they both worked their way to breathing again.

They both panted, spent and satisfied, as Hokuto pulled out of Taiga, his come dripping to the floor and rolling down Taiga’s thighs. He was about to set Taiga back on the ground, but Taiga still shook slightly, so he just leaned forward and held him where he was, holding him steady.

“You okay?” he whispered, leaving a chaste kiss on Taiga’s lips. Taiga kissed back softly, too, the feeling of Hokuto’s lips on his making his heart skip a beat.

“Best fucking morning I’ve ever had,” Taiga replied, voice hoarse from all the moaning. He swore his voice was going to change one day because of all the moaning he did from whatever Hokuto did to him. And he was so going to blame Hokuto for it.

Hokuto chuckled, agreeing. Having Taiga for breakfast was definitely something he wouldn’t mind doing, over and over. All the time.

“Want to actually take a bath this time?” Hokuto kissed him again, and Taiga was never going to get sick of that. Ever. Hokuto’s kisses were divine.

“Yes, please. I feel all sticky,” he said, because he did, from both of their come. He was about to ask Hokuto to set him down when he felt Hokuto’s fingers near his entrance again, making him slightly whimper from sensitivity.

“I see what you mean by sticky,” Hokuto pushed a finger in, feeling around Taiga’s hole. Taiga whimpered again, gripping Hokuto’s shoulder.

“H-Hokuto,” his voice faltered, “can’t yet. S-sensitive.”

God, Hokuto could just eat Taiga up.

But he complied and pulled his finger out, reaching for the soap instead and finally setting Taiga down, holding him still so he stood upright. Taiga looked at him, pouting, which Hokuto understood perfectly. He lathered up the soap and started to wash Taiga with it, Taiga’s own shaking hands reaching for the bottle of shampoo. Taiga rubbed his hands together before smoothing his fingers through Hokuto’s jet-black hair, Hokuto closing his eyes as Taiga’s nails ran through his scalp, relaxing.

They scrubbed each other up the bath, covering each other with soap and shampoo and more come. Taiga couldn’t resist it when Hokuto washed his legs, deciding he wanted another round in the shower before they fully finished up. Hokuto reached for the towels after they were done, handing Taiga his own before wrapping one around himself.

When they got out of the bath, it was only 10:30am, laughing at the fact that they had already done so much and it was still so early on in the morning.

Hokuto prepared lunch on his own, refusing to let Taiga help out because Taiga would probably either burn things in his kitchen or put tomato on everything. So Taiga sneaked in kisses every now and then, instead, enjoying Hokuto in his apron, sleeves rolled up all the way to his elbows as he cut, sliced, mixed and sauteéd. 

“I have to mix this properly, Taiga,” Hokuto said, Taiga pulling him by the neck again to place butterfly kisses on his lips, Hokuto smiling into the kiss. Taiga smiled into the kiss too, happy that Hokuto was still kissing back despite his weak complaints.

“Mmm, but kisses are good,” he kissed Hokuto some more, “especially when they taste like whatever the hell it is that you’re cooking. Smells amazing, by the way.”

“It won’t smell amazing if it gets burned,” Hokuto kissed back, but pulled away slightly. “Now let me cook or we’re not going to have anything to eat at all,” he laughed, focusing on what he was cooking.

Taiga pulled him in for a last kiss before freeing him. He sighed, “Fine,” and watched Hokuto with amusement, his chin on his palm as they watched each other.

Lunch was short and sweet, Taiga finally learning to behave and not trying anything with Hokuto this time. He smiled with each bite, always loving anything and everything Hokuto cooked for him, because Hokuto was a more than amazing cook and he wasn’t afraid to tell him that at all. When they were done with the dishes, Taiga walked his way towards the living room, turning on the TV, intent on lazing around.

At around 3pm, Hokuto asked him to scooch over, needing to sit on the couch to prepare for his scheduled phone interview. Taiga shrugged and stood, walking towards Hokuto’s bedroom to drag his blanket to the living room, feeling cold.

It was just a short magazine interview, the manager told Hokuto. Which okay, Hokuto could handle that. And it was through the phone too, so he could handle that even more. Striking up a conversation when he didn’t have to go through the difficulty of needing to look at another person was easier for Hokuto. It was an advantage for him that the interview was just a phone call. He could do this.

“Hello?” he answered the call, sitting down comfortably on the sofa, somewhat nervous, still. “This is Matsumura Hokuto.”

The interview on the other line said, “Matsumura-san, hello,” before going on about introductions and which magazine they were from and what the theme of the interview was going to be like. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t done before, so Hokuto wasn’t entirely on edge. Or he wasn’t at first.

“Hokuto, where’s the—” he heard Taiga call out to him, only for the older boy to stop on his tracks and shut his mouth when he saw that Hokuto was on the phone. Hokuto mouthed the words ‘magazine interview’ to him, and Taiga nodded in return, understanding. Thankfully, the interviewer had not heard Taiga’s voice. Otherwise, they would’ve been in  _ very  _ big trouble.

Which, well. That wasn’t such a bad idea, was it?

Maybe Taiga wanted that. To cause a little trouble, make a little mayhem. Some playful mischief as a tease to Hokuto. He was feeling a little devilish that afternoon, wanting to get back at Hokuto for his teasing earlier on in the shower. Maybe Taiga could have a little fun.

It was fine. He wasn’t going to be all that obvious. Taiga could be as subtle as he wanted. And he wanted this. He wanted this  _ so bad. _

So he walked towards Hokuto slowly, an obvious sway to his hips to get the younger boy’s attention. Hokuto was instantly drawn to him, as he always was, and eyed him suspiciously but also hungrily, eyes almost immediately darkening.

Hokuto shook his head hurriedly, tried to get rid of the thoughts in it. He was in an interview, for fuck’s sake. No need to be thinking about fucking. And Taiga. And fucking Taiga. Goddamn it.

Taiga thought it was maybe the thrill of them getting caught that fueled him. That the person on the other line could easily find out and hear whatever it was that was happening, whatever it was that they were doing. Or maybe it was the fact that Hokuto had to stop himself from reacting was what drove Taiga on. The fact that Hokuto had to make sure he still sounded coherent, so they wouldn’t be the subject of suspicion. Or maybe it was just because he saw the look on Hokuto’s face. The message in his eyes that was always there when he looked at Taiga, like a firework waiting to go off.

Or maybe it was just Hokuto himself. That was enough for Taiga anyway. Hokuto always managed to find a way to make Taiga do even the riskiest of things. And he would gladly continue doing so.

So he licked his lips then, taking the bottom one between his teeth before mouthing to Hokuto, ‘Is it gonna be long?’, to which Hokuto nodded a yes to. Taiga simply shrugged in response, bending down to leave a kiss on Hokuto’s cheek, staying there for a while, making sure his lips didn't smack so the kiss wouldn’t be heard. What he heard instead was Hokuto gulping, already affected and surprised by Taiga’s actions.

Hokuto mouthed back to Taiga, ‘What are you doing?’ before answering the interviewer with a yes, not even sure if he heard the question right. Not when Taiga’s lips touched his skin. That always distracted him, no matter what happened.

But Taiga only shook his head and put a finger over his lips, a gesture for Hokuto to keep quiet. He kissed Hokuto again, on the lips this time, letting his own lips linger there for a while before Hokuto had to talk again.

“Yea, I uh. I don’t like to do anything much in my spare time. I’m… more of a homebody, really,” Hokuto struggled to speak, his lips still brushing against Taiga’s.

Taiga smirked and ran his fingers through Hokuto’s oh-so soft hair, before looking into his eyes with intent. Then he knelt down in front of Hokuto, tilting his head up and to the side, knowing Hokuto already knew what he was going to do next.

Hokuto widened his eyes in realization. Was Taiga going to… fuck.

Hands moving slowly, Taiga smoothed his palms on Hokuto’s legs, starting from his ankles and moving up, up, and up, towards where they both wanted his hands to be. Hokuto gulped again and bit his lip, already anticipating what was next. He knew he should stop Taiga, tell him that they could get caught if they so much made the tiniest of noises. But something inside of him didn’t want to stop Taiga at all, getting off on the fact that they  _ could  _ get caught. The thrill of the risk was well damn worth it.

Freeing Hokuto’s cock from its constraints, Taiga wiggled his eyebrows knowingly at Hokuto, the younger boy almost hissing out loud had he not straightened his jaw and stopped himself. Taiga ran his tongue all over his lips, wetting them, as he held Hokuto tight in his hands, slowly moving up and down. Hokuto held the phone away, stuttering as he answered more of the interviewer’s questions. Taiga’s hands always knew what to do, how to make him react.

Taiga pumped Hokuto’s cock as it throbbed in his touch, hardening and growing, Hokuto staring at him the entire time. Taiga bit on his bottom lip and leaned forward, using both of his hands, tightening his grip. “U-Uhm,” Hokuto stuttered, “sorry, could you repeat the question? I was a little… distracted.” Taiga’s blond bangs fell to slightly cover his eyes, before he released his lip and stuck his tongue out.

Hokuto was in the middle of answering a question with a long answer when Taiga smirked and leaned forward again, arching his back, making sure the shirt he was wearing rode up. He stuck his tongue out further and held Hokuto’s cock tight before swiping a lick at the tip of it, lapping up the pre-cum that had started to come out. Hokuto opened his mouth to react, but prevented himself from groaning, tossing his head back from how good it had felt. Fuck, Taiga was going to be the death of him.

He lifted his head again to stare at Taiga with wide eyes, pupils blown from lust, anticipating Taiga’s next move. The older boy smiled mischievously and swirled his tongue around Hokuto’s cock, licking at the crown with practiced moves that he knew Hokuto loved, tasting more of him. Hokuto balled his hand up into a fist and bit on his knuckle, trying to keep himself together while Taiga blew him.

“Right,” he said with a gulp, “that’s right. Yes, that’s right.” It was almost like he was talking to Taiga and not the interviewer, anymore.

Taiga flattened his tongue and licked at the underside of Hokuto’s cock, tasting him all over, before finally taking him in his hot mouth.

“ _ Fuck, _ ” Hokuto whispered as he moved his phone away and covered it with a pillow, not wanting the person on the other end to hear. Taiga lifted his head, hollowing out his cheeks and sucking Hokuto’s cock, before taking him in again, Hokuto’s mind reeling with want.

He placed the phone against his ear, asking for the question, mumbling something about thick walls and shitty service and whatever else excuse he came up with. Taiga bobbed his head up and down, swirling his tongue around Hokuto, and damn it, how long was this interview again? Because Hokuto really needed it to be over soon.

Taiga stared up at Hokuto, eyes glassy behind his bangs, long eyelashes looking so delicate as he fluttered his eyelids. He took Hokuto further in, enveloping Hokuto’s long and thick cock with his hot mouth, wrapping his hands around what his mouth couldn’t reach. He stared knowingly up at Hokuto when he got him the furthest he could take him, the tip of Hokuto’s cock hitting the back of Taiga’s throat.

Hokuto widened his eyes and moved his phone as far away as possible, perfectly knowing what Taiga was going to do next. He was proven right when Taiga moaned while Hokuto was furthest in, vocal cords vibrating around the tip of Hokuto’s cock, Hokuto feeling like he had just ascended into a slice of heaven. Fucking Kyomoto Taiga and his talented mouth.

He gripped Taiga’s long blond hair, careful not to push his head too much, but just enough to urge Taiga on. Taiga, driven by Hokuto’s fingers fisting his hair, moaned again, before swirling his tongue back up Hokuto’s cock and releasing him with a loud and dirty pop. Hokuto hoped to whoever the fuck was out there that they couldn’t be heard.

He breathed a sigh of relief when the interviewer seemed to be unphased, still continuing with questions, to which he was  _ this  _ close to not understanding at all, having forgotten already whatever the fuck it was they were talking about. Taiga giggled quietly, satisfied by his mischief, and Hokuto thought that was the last of it. That he was done and satisfied with the teasing and torturing already, which Hokuto was slowly wanting more and more of.

But Taiga stood up instead, slowly performed a rather heated and unexpected strip tease in front of Hokuto, and stepped closer to him. Hokuto wanted to move, but couldn’t, too caught by the image of Taiga in front of him.

Taiga pumped at his own cock, before moving forward and straddling Hokuto’s lap, fully determined to do what he planned to do.

“But—” Hokuto started to say, but Taiga shushed him, mouthing the words ‘You have to be quiet, remember?’ and smiling, feigning innocence.

Taiga reached under and poked at his entrance, inserting a finger and stretching himself, preventing himself from moaning by grabbing Hokuto’s hand and putting it over his mouth. He took a deep breath before pulling his fingers out, then grabbed Hokuto’s cock and lined it up his entrance. Not wasting a second, he held Hokuto steady and sank down hurriedly, biting at the skin of Hokuto’s palm so he didn’t scream out loud in pleasure. Hokuto pushed up on instinct, preventing his own groan from coming out with a bite to his lip.

The interviewer went on about various things that Hokuto couldn’t even comprehend anymore. Something about getting along with the other members or whatever? Honestly, he didn’t even know or care, seeing as one of the aforementioned members was currently riding his cock. Now  _ that,  _ he cared about.

“Sorry uhm,” he cleared his throat, voice getting huskier by the minute. “Come again?” he asked anyway, because it would’ve been suspicious had he not responded. Taiga looked at him, then, finding the unintentional innuendo behind Hokuto’s words a bit funny.

Taiga tried to be as quiet as possible as he bounced on Hokuto’s lap, placing his hand on Hokuto’s shoulder for leverage. Hokuto kept answering the interview questions with a broken voice, looking like he was about damn ready to murder whoever was on the other side because they were taking so fucking long and he wanted the stupid thing over and done with already. Taiga didn’t care all that much. He still rode Hokuto determinedly, making Hokuto bite on his knuckle again when he started rotating his hips. Had Hokuto’s hand not covered Taiga’s mouth, he would’ve moaned so fucking loud.

“Yup, right there. That’s correct, yes, it is, yea,” Hokuto was making little to no sense, word vomiting everywhere and not caring what he was saying anymore. The interviewer said it was going to be the last question and thank fucking god,  _ finally,  _ because he was at his limit.

When the interview asked the last question, Hokuto immediately responded, short enough to be a passable answer. Then the interviewer concluded the phone call, and Hokuto could swear the sigh of relief he breathed was heard on the other end, but whatever. He didn’t care. He really didn’t.

“Alright, you too, yea. Have a good day. Thank you for your hard work,” Hokuto clicked on his screen hard, all but threw his phone away somewhere, not even caring if it broke. He heard a crack, but honestly didn’t pay that much attention to it, Taiga still rotating his hips as he took more of Hokuto’s cock.

Taiga immediately removed Hokuto’s hand off his mouth the minute he put the phone down, the two of them reaching for each other in a hungry kiss, Taiga moving up and down again. He rode Hokuto harder and faster, Hokuto stretching him with his hands on Taiga’s ass, helping him lift himself and guiding him when he sank back down. They moaned in each other’s mouths, being as loud as possible now that they could.

“That was so fucking hot,” Hokuto said in the kiss, reaching inside Taiga’s mouth with his tongue. Taiga swirled his tongue along Hokuto’s, and Hokuto could taste a bit of himself on Taiga’s tongue, turning him on even more.

Hokuto tore his mouth away from the kiss, licking lower and lower at Taiga’s neck, his jaw, his collarbone, shoulder, until his lips and mouth reached Taiga’s chest, biting and nipping there. Taiga threw his head back, arching his back when Hokuto took one of his nipples in his mouth, licking and biting at it hardly, a welcome pain that he could never get enough of. He screamed out loud, increasing his pace, already inching closer to his release.

Taiga pulled Hokuto against his chest, as if he still wasn’t close enough, as if he needed more of him and his skin and his mouth because  _ fuck,  _ everything just felt so good and he was at an all time high. His cock knocked against Hokuto’s abs, making everything feel even more sensitive. “Oh  _ god, yes, _ ” he moaned, so close already, Hokuto thrusting upwards into him, the couch creaking underneath both of their weights.

It wasn’t long before Hokuto was pulling on his hair again, driving Taiga over the edge, and he ended up coming without even being touched, spilling all over Hokuto’s abs. Hokuto thrusted once, twice, before coming himself, Taiga fluttering around his cock and milking his climax. He groaned against Taiga’s chest, accidentally biting on Taiga’s nipple a bit too hard. But it only spurred Taiga’s high on, still coming, coming with Hokuto now, toes curling as he tried to keep himself upright.

Taiga swore he ran out of breath, the only thing keeping him breathing was Hokuto’s own breath against his skin, like a reminder of sorts for an inhale and exhale. His chest was going to be so red after Hokuto’s doing, but it was nothing Taiga didn’t want, anyway. Hokuto could mark him all he wanted. He could mark him all over, and Taiga wouldn’t bat an eyelash to it.

When they came down from their highs, Hokuto pulled Taiga up and pulled out of him, the older boy barely being able to lift himself. “Sorry about the… uhm,” Hokuto started to say, talking about biting Taiga a little too hard.

But Taiga just shook his head at him and smiled, still panting. “Except, you’re not really sorry, are you?” he said playfully, moving his face closer to Hokuto’s again.

Hokuto agreed, of course. “Nope. I’m actually really not,” he smiled back.

“Good. Don’t be. S’fine,” Taiga leaned in to kiss Hokuto again because it was his favorite thing to do in the world and he wasn’t going to stop himself from doing it. “Felt good.”

Hokuto smiled into the kiss again, his heart feeling full of emotion. Taiga made him go crazy, but he made him so calm too. All by being so inexplicably him.

“How many times are we gonna check things off a kink list?” he teased, because while Taiga’s second day in his apartment still wasn’t over yet, Hokuto already felt like they’ve done so much more than they both expected. He wasn’t complaining, though. They could do more, if Taiga wanted. He had no qualms about it at all.

Taiga laughed lightly, adjusting his position on Hokuto’s lap. “As many times as your stamina can take it,” he half-joked, because he would definitely be willing if Hokuto was too.

But they were satisfied with just kissing and holding each other, for a while, happy to be in each other’s arms and presence.

When evening rolled in, Hokuto forced Taiga out of his lap and forced him up, dragging him towards the kitchen so they could make their dinner. He let Taiga help this time, guiding him with simple instructions. It wasn’t perfect, there were a few vegetables that were lopsidedly cut, and Taiga almost put sugar instead of salt in one of the dishes, but it wasn’t anything Hokuto couldn’t save. And it wasn’t half bad either, considering Taiga’s history with cooking. It actually tasted really good.

Hokuto volunteered to do the dishes while Taiga went ahead and took a shower, Hokuto doing the same after the dishes were done and Taiga got out. The water ran down his body and relaxed him, taking a bit of time as he scrubbed all over, making sure he was clean. While toweling himself after he was done, Hokuto glanced towards the sink to brush his teeth, seeing Taiga’s toothbrush in one of the glasses, too. It made his heart skip a beat, for some reason. He knew it wasn’t that much of a big deal—it was just a toothbrush after all—but it felt like it meant something. Like it belonged there, somehow. Like it seemed to mean more than it was.

Hokuto shook his head and grabbed his toothbrush, trying to get rid of the thoughts. He didn’t need to think about them, seeing as it might just end up different than what was on his mind.

He walked towards the living room when he was done, and was supposed to call out to Taiga until he saw the older boy wasn’t there. Hokuto furrowed his eyebrows, wondering where Taiga had wandered off to. He checked the kitchen, but he wasn’t there either, so he figured Taiga must have been in their bedroom.

His bedroom. Right. His. Not ‘their’. Of course not.

So Hokuto slowly walked to the direction of his bedroom, stopping short when he saw Taiga inside. He smiled and opened his mouth to speak, but decided to not disturb, the older boy looking around the room curiously.

He watched Taiga with an affection in his eyes, breath caught in his throat as Taiga looked so picture perfectly ethereal: like he was kissed by all the stars combined.

Taiga slowly moved around the bedroom like it was his first time there, Hokuto silently observing from the door as he leaned on the doorframe, still unnoticed. It was a little breathtaking, the image of Taiga walking around. He hadn’t bothered to turn on the lights when he entered, just the dim lamp that Hokuto had on the bedside table, illuminating the room with a faint yellow glow, almost looking enchanted. He carefully and lightly touched the little details of Hokuto’s room: the cork board with to-do lists and reminders, the books on the desk arranged so neatly, a folder of scripts for past and current dramas, a paperweight that looked like a cute dog smiling. It made Taiga smile, too, thinking that these were little hints of Hokuto’s personality. Evidence of the boy within and how he functioned.

To Hokuto, it felt a little like he was being clawed from inside. Like he was baring himself to Taiga in a different way. A way that revealed more about him and more of him than he ever did. He had to take a deep breath, slightly overwhelmed. He wished he had done it quieter, though, because Taiga heard the small sound and finally lifted his head to look at him, the way his gaze looked taking Hokuto back. It was like he was looking at him completely different, too. Like he had discovered something beautiful. It scared Hokuto, somehow. 

But Taiga just smiled, then, walked the few steps towards the door to where Hokuto was standing. He was about to greet him, ask him how long he had been standing there, when he spotted something peeking from the corner of the room. He walked past Hokuto, then, and neared it, genuinely surprised.

“Since when do you own a record player?” Taiga asked, voice slightly shaky. Maybe he was a bit dazed, himself, too.

Hokuto had to clear his throat before speaking, afraid of his voice cracking. “Uhm,” he said, “got it recently from this record store in Shibuya. It looked vintage, but it still works perfectly. I try to listen to more vinyl now. I don’t know, the music just sounds…”

“Different?” Taiga had always preferred vinyl. The music sounded more raw and whole on them. It was the best way of listening. “It sounds better, right?”

Hokuto sent a smile to his direction, seeing Taiga’s eyes light up in excitement, the way they always did when he was talking about what he loved most: music. “It does.”

Taiga sorted through the records Hokuto had, a few foreign artists here and there, some indie music, a few of the classics, and…he had to stop. Furrowing his eyebrows, he picked the record from the stack and looked at it, saw the familiar font of the title, the familiar wardrobe of the people on it.

“You…” he started, wondering how and why Hokuto had bought this one in particular. “You bought Newsies?”

Hokuto was too busy looking at Taiga to notice what he had picked out. When Taiga mentioned the name, he blinked his eyes and realized a secret of his had been subliminally revealed, despite Taiga not knowing what it fully was, yet. “Oh, uh, yea,” he stuttered, “I just— uhm…”

It was the soundtrack for the original Broadway play, the one Taiga’s supposed stage play show was based on, had it not been cancelled. What Taiga was curious about was, why had Hokuto bought the vinyl? It wasn’t like he needed to. He didn’t have to do it.

“Well I…” Hokuto spoke again. “You were going to be in it. And I saw it in the store and thought, ‘Hey Kyomoto’s going to be in this one, might as well buy it for the hell of it’, and I listened to it and all that. It’s nothing, it’s not a big deal.”

It felt like it was though, to Taiga. It might not have been his voice, but it was music he was supposed to be singing. And Hokuto went through the effort of actually buying it.

Taiga didn’t know what to say, truthfully. Something about the image of Hokuto in a record store, seeing something that reminded him of Taiga, and buying it because of that exact reason, did  _ something _ to him. Made all the butterflies in his stomach dance vigorously. Like they had just been awoken from calmly fluttering, and now they were threatening to be let out. Much like his heart.

So Taiga sighed and bit on his bottom lip, tried to ignore the beating of his heart getting faster, and sifted through more of Hokuto’s records. Hokuto tried to stop him with a, “They’re all more of the same, really, I don’t have good taste in music,” but he still did it anyway.

Because Taiga found even more. Elisabeth. Souvenir. Haruto. All records. All his musicals. Musicals  _ he’s  _ been in. All owned by Hokuto. The butterflies in Taiga’s stomach had officially burst, and he was stunned. Had Hokuto really bought all of these? Just because he was in them? Just because it reminded him of Taiga?

“Why do you have…” Taiga’s head was swimming with all kinds of thoughts.

The records were all next to each other, with labels that looked like years on them. The more Taiga stared at the numbers, the more he realized that it had been the years that he had appeared in those musicals. And then a big piece of paper had labeled that particular bundle of records, Taiga’s finger carefully smoothing the folds of it out. In Hokuto’s neat handwriting, it said:  _ Taiga’s. _

Taiga didn’t know how to explain what he was feeling. Hokuto had just… he had…

“You…” he tried to say, but was at a loss for words. “Hokku, what was the real reason you bought these?” his voice had a little tremble in it, sounding small and vulnerable, like Hokuto had taken off all of his barriers and stared in awe at his beauty.

Hokuto stayed quiet, for a while, trying to find the right words to say. Taiga was actually afraid he wasn’t going to answer at all, when he suddenly heard Hokuto take a deep breath.

“I, uh, I don’t know, I just…” he started, “I— I know how much heart you put into your work. And I know how much you love music. So I thought— I don’t know. I might as well give it the same amount of love as…”  _ as I do you,  _ was what he wanted to say. But it felt too heavy, at that moment. A word so familiar yet so foreign. Unspoken, and yet understood.

It seemed like Taiga got the message though, his breath hitching when their eyes had met in the dark. Hokuto’s face was silhouetted by the dim lamp light, emphasizing his high cheekbones and jaw so sharp it could cut glass, his deep eyes that carried so much. Taiga hadn’t realized just how beautiful Hokuto was. He knew he was, of course he did, but he didn’t realize it was this much. Too much. Too much that it was overwhelming.

Taiga cleared his throat, feeling like his heart was stuck there for some reason, and tore his gaze away from Hokuto. He felt like any more staring could burn right through him. Like Hokuto’s stare was a spark to ignite the wildfire within. And he didn't know what to do about that.

So he went back to thumbing through the records, sifting through Hokuto’s growing collection, before stopping on an album cover that caught his eye. Taiga wasn’t familiar with the album, nor the artist, but the art was a little captivating. And his heart kept taking him to places he wasn’t aware of, so he went with the first thought in his head and followed his gut. He took the record out of its case, carefully placed it in the player, and slowly moved the needle.

He smiled a little, a nervous beating in his chest that made his breath ragged. “You wanna dance?” Taiga asked suddenly, Hokuto surprised by his invitation.

“W-What?” Hokuto said, but he was already being pulled by Taiga anyway. Already stepping into Taiga’s personal space.

“Slow dance,” Taiga said casually, like it was the most natural thing in the world for them to do, right there, in the space of Hokuto’s bedroom. He guided Hokuto’s hands to his lower back, arms around his waist, pulling Hokuto in with his arms around the younger boy’s neck. “I’m sure you know how to do that.”

“I do, but—” but Hokuto didn’t know why Taiga was doing this. Why Taiga was making things seem so simple, even though they were both so complicated. Even though the both of them  _ together  _ were complicated. “You don’t even know the song.”

“No,” Taiga agreed, “but does it matter? I just wanna dance with you.”

But it did matter. It mattered because Hokuto  _ did  _ know the song. He had listened to it one too many times, thinking about Taiga. It was the exact reason he bought the record in the first place. The song reminded him too much of blond hair, glowing eyes, a small, shy smile. It reminded him too much of who his heart screamed for. Who his heart yearned for.

The familiar beat of the drum started playing and Taiga started to sway, taking Hokuto with him. He kept his eyes on Hokuto as the song played, breath in his lungs feeling like it wasn’t enough. Not when he was looking at Hokuto like this. Not when Hokuto was looking at him back with such… emotion. Emotion that Taiga couldn’t place, couldn’t determine. Something that couldn’t be explained by words and could only be felt by the two of them. By the lingering air that was so thick, Taiga felt like he was being suffocated and resuscitated at the same time. A slow inhale and exhale.

Hokuto tried to even out his breathing, feeling like his heart was about to jump out of his chest. The cymbal crashed, the bass drum beat, and then the lyrics finally came in. Hokuto held his breath, somehow afraid. It wasn’t his song, it wasn’t his voice. But it was his thoughts, his feelings, displayed for Taiga to hear. For Taiga to witness. It was the words his heart had always wanted to speak, but didn’t get the chance to. Didn’t get the privilege to.

_ Just from looking at you, why, for no reason, does my heart sigh? _

The song spoke the truth. Looking at Taiga alone always had Hokuto breathless. His heart always seemed to sigh, always seemed to yearn harder, even by simply looking at Taiga. At Kyomoto Taiga and the way he smiled, the way he moved, the way he breathed. And here he was now, moving slowly, like time purposely slowed down for their little dance. For this minute moment, a sitch in time, a beg for all the gods to give him this, give  _ them _ this. This small instance. This short heart-stopping moment that seemed almost unreal to Hokuto. Almost like the most impossible of dreams, finally coming true.

The guitar came in, taking the song up a notch, almost to the beat of Hokuto’s heart.

Then Taiga smiled, looking up at him, and there it was. There. The reason for all of this. The reason why Hokuto woke up every goddamn morning. The reason why Hokuto breathed. The reason why Hokuto’s heart kept beating. That smile. He would do anything for that smile.

_ If you are here, if you are here, then this world I can still bear. _

They continued the slow dance, looking at each other, a burn into Hokuto’s soul. A flame that consumed him once, twice, too many times to even count. And he had let himself be engulfed every single time. All for Taiga.  _ Only  _ for Taiga.

The only thing Hokuto ever needed and wanted was Taiga actually  _ being  _ there. Existing, breathing. He might have been selfish, at times, taking Taiga away from the rest of the world, keeping Taiga to himself. But in actuality, he would be satisfied even just by watching and loving from afar. Even just knowing that Kyomoto Taiga was around, living and laughing and being so inexplicably him. Because Taiga made his days better, made his life more bearable, made the world less cruel and more forgiving. Taiga made everything have more meaning. And Hokuto would do anything for him.

_ Hearing your voice, why, without meaning, why is it so stirring? _

“Hokuto…” Taiga whispered, quiet and slow, almost out of breath. They swayed side to side, Hokuto leading now, his eyes still looking deep into Taiga’s.

Taiga’s voice sent Hokuto’s mind into a frenzy. He loved Taiga’s singing voice, of course he did, especially when it mixed so perfectly with his. But even Taiga’s talking voice had that much of an effect on him. Hypnotized him into thinking that left was right and up and was down but Hokuto still wouldn’t believe that anything changed and that everything was topsy-turvy and opposite. Because Taiga made his reality warped but beautiful. It was so beautiful and unreal and unique.

Taiga’s voice was beautiful. Like it made all the flowers bloom and all the snow fall, autumn leaves swaying in the distance and summer sun kissing his skin tan. Like a siren song pulling him in, closer and closer, until he drowned. And he gladly would. Hokuto was already drowning, anyway.

_ If you are gone, if you are gone, then this world is washed out and done. _

The lyrics rang in, speaking the truth. Because Hokuto was afraid of that. Hokuto was afraid of Taiga being gone, not knowing what he would do if it ever happened. Taiga stroked the ends of his hair, strands smoothly in between such beautiful fingers, and Hokuto wished they could stay like this. Beautiful and uninterrupted, stuck in a slow dance, almost like a fantasy. Hokuto would dance with Taiga forever if he was given the chance to.

The world, his world, wouldn’t make the slightest bit of sense had Taiga not been in it. It was so unthinkable, living in a reality that didn’t have Kyomoto Taiga. So dull and lacking in life.

But still, Hokuto was afraid. Because if he was afraid of Taiga being gone, it meant that he was also afraid of losing him. And being afraid of losing him meant that he had him, somehow.

And he couldn’t think of anything more terrifying than having someone in your grasp and there being a possibility of losing them. How scary it was, having someone to lose.

_ Why, just from looking at you, just knowing you’re here, just hearing your voice, why for no reason, just looking at you, why, my heart sighs? _

Hokuto had so many questions. Questions he wanted so many answers to, as well. Because why,  _ why,  _ did it have to be Taiga? Of all the people his heart could have chosen, why did it have to be Kyomoto Taiga?

The simple act of looking at Taiga, knowing he was here, hearing his voice, overwhelmed Hokuto. Why did his heart pick this person? This person in front of him, locked in a slow dance with him, who was infinitely more beautiful than anyone else he had ever known? Hokuto wanted to understand, he tried to, he tried his best.

But there were just things that weren’t meant to be understood. Not by anyone or anything. And especially not by a heart that wanted who it wanted. And Hokuto’s heart wanted Taiga. It always did.

And his heart always sighed. Always did when Taiga was involved. Always did when Taiga was there, letting himself be known. Taiga so effortlessly made him fall ever harder. And Hokuto fell, long before. He was  _ still  _ falling, even. Falling in love with no warning, with each step of their slow dance, with each search for a meaning in each other’s eyes, with each deep breath they took. Hokuto fell deeper and deeper into an abyss that he wouldn’t even mind staying in.

He belonged here, in their little fantasy. He belonged here, in their little bubble. He belonged here, with Taiga.

“Taiga…” Hokuto whispered, pulling the older boy closer, although his hands were almost too afraid to hold on tighter, afraid that Taiga was too fragile and he might break him.

Taiga took a deep breath, gulping. “Yea?” he whispered back, voice shaking slightly.

“I…” Hokuto didn’t know what to say, really. But it was just… his heart. His heart felt so alive. His heart felt like it grew ten times in size and he couldn’t believe it was because Taiga was here, with him.

A silent understanding passed between their eyes, Taiga asking Hokuto for something they both wanted, Hokuto asking for permission back. Taiga responded by nodding shyly, looking up at Hokuto like he was so much smaller even though he barely was. But he felt like he was floating, heart soaring when Hokuto leaned down to take his lips.

It was a slow kiss, slower than most of the kisses shared between them. This one had desire in it, of course, but it was a different kind. Instead of the lust-filled, hungry kisses they usually had, this kiss was full of something else. Something that tasted like adoration and respect and wonder. It tasted like something so much more than just desire, even. It tasted like two hearts molding together, beating for each other, because of each other.

Hokuto cradled Taiga’s jaw in his hand, his other arm looping around Taiga’s waist, feeling like he needed more of him in his space, more of his touch, more of  _ Taiga.  _ Hokuto could never get enough of Kyomoto Taiga. Not now, not ever. He would always want him more and more each day.

Taiga pulled him in, too, the kiss deepening, like it was the first time they had ever kissed each other. Like it was something new, and not something they had done so many times already, they couldn’t even count. Like they were learning and relearning about each other, kissing for the first time again, the same sparks electrifying in their veins.

Taiga remembered what it was like, the first time he had kissed Hokuto. They were young,  _ too young,  _ and yet it had felt so right. Something that felt like it should be a constant, so natural and fitting, so very real. But they were younger, then. Reckless teenagers that were messy and indecisive and still trying to figure things out. They were not so young now. Not with their years together, shared moments together, growth together. And yet, Hokuto made Taiga feel like he was feeling for the first time. Hokuto made Taiga feel like he was stuck in a teenage dream, disastrous but beautiful. So beautiful.

Words weren’t needed anymore. Not when Taiga pulled Hokuto towards the bed, catching himself, while Hokuto carefully placed him on top of the sheets. Hokuto’s hands shook as they held Taiga, nervous and terrified but so sure. Sure that he wanted this. Sure that Taiga wanted this, too, judging by the look in his eyes.

He kissed Taiga like they were each other’s oxygen, hands gliding down the older boy’s body, ghosting over the smooth skin. Hokuto caressed Taiga’s curves, featherlight touches tickling Taiga and making him squirm.

Hokuto always knew how to touch Taiga in the right way in all the right places, memorizing what made him feel different kinds of euphoria. Like he saw underneath, beneath the façade that Taiga always presented to the world, unwrapped Taiga like a pretty present and cared for what was inside as much as what was out. Hokuto felt for him, all parts of him, the good, the bad and the ugly. The good days and the bad days. His ups and downs. And Taiga’s heart burst even just by knowing that. Even just by knowing Hokuto dedicated that much of his heart to him. He didn’t know how to comprehend it.

So he did what he knew best and kissed Hokuto, kissed him hard and long and tried to pour out everything in the kiss. All the emotions he was currently feeling, that he had always felt for Hokuto, and was still going to feel, no matter what he did with them. Hokuto was here, and Hokuto was now, and Taiga knew that. Taiga knew he could never deny him.

Slowly, Hokuto broke down his barriers and peeled off each layer. A shirt thrown here, pants thrown there, whispers of sweet nothings in Taiga’s ear, promises of feelings and assurances and guarantees. Expressions of wants and needs and desires, but also of comfort and satisfaction. Hokuto breathed words onto Taiga’s skin, words that held so much promise and depth and got under his skin and swam with his blood, flowing through his system like a river of overwhelming sensation. Hokuto was so unbelievable, sometimes, so raw and unreal and Taiga forgot that he was an actual person. An actual human being that he knew and talked to and was with, instead of some godsent deity that turned everything he touched into gold. Hokuto was more than he ever hoped for. He was beyond everything.

With each of Hokuto’s soft kisses to his skin, Taiga ignited, heart beat slowly but surely building up to a crescendo. Hokuto kisses his chest, torso, each of his fingers, his inner wrist, the back of his hand, his neck, cheeks, forehead, lips. Each surface he could find, wanting Taiga to feel wanted. He wanted Taiga to feel loved.

Because that was it. He loved Taiga. Hokuto loved him so much, sometimes it was unthinkable not to. Like he wouldn’t be able to breathe if his heart didn’t beat for Taiga. It was impossible.

He just… he’s so... 

Taiga pulled him in again, and Hokuto was so overcome with emotions, trying to calm himself because he felt like his whole being was going to burst from feelings. Taiga smoothed his hair down, kept his eyes on him, the both of them keeping their eyes on one another, unwilling to break the connection. Their connection that was unmatched, understood by all, almost made on purpose. Maybe Hokuto thought himself a little delusional for thinking they were meant to be. But people rode on maybes all the time, anyways. He let himself be delusional, even just for a short while. Even for just that moment.

There wasn’t anything else that was needed. Just two people who shared that specific connection.

The moonlight shone bright outside, peeking in through Hokuto’s curtains, illuminating Taiga, making him look more ethereal. Taiga stared up at Hokuto, hair as bright as a bouquet of marigolds, sprawled on Hokuto’s pillows, creating a wonderful halo. Like a fallen angel, too beautiful and seductive for the skies above, sent to Earth to reduce its power. But he still had such power over Hokuto. Such a hold on him that made Hokuto’s world stop moving. A pause on a beautiful song, a breakdown, a climax of notes and chords. Taiga was the center of his universe. That much Hokuto knew.

Everything was too much. It was all too much.

Taiga took Hokuto in, all of him in, a dance they had done too many times but still felt like the first time every single time. Like they discovered more and more of each other every time they did this. Taiga moaned, a familiar melody. Hokuto pushed in further, a familiar sensation. And they kissed again, a familiar exchange. They knew each other too much and too well. And that had to mean something. It just  _ had  _ to.

Hokuto took Taiga further and further to the point of no return, their heartbeats speeding, an exact opposite of how they were. Because Hokuto went  _ gloriously  _ slow, and yet still intense. Still making Taiga feel like he was standing on the edge of a cliff and he would, he would willingly jump, if Hokuto asked him to. If Hokuto jumped with him. If the both of them jumped together. Hokuto went beautifully slow, and they breathed. Once. Twice. Inhale. Exhale.

The feeling crept up on Taiga. He didn’t realize it was coming, a pleasant surprise that was welcome, as he whisper-moaned Hokuto’s name against the younger boy’s lips, sneaking the sound into the kiss. Hokuto caught the moan and gulped it down his throat, returning it with as much raw passion and emotion, Taiga holding onto him, pulling him in to feel more of it. Feel more of their mutual climax, something that felt so different from all the other ones. This one felt like it meant something else. Something deeper than what was just on the surface, than just two people in bed together. This felt like heaven and hell combined, graced to the both of them. This was something more than what it was.

Hokuto breathed against Taiga’s lips when they were coming down from their highs, eyes still locked together, trying to search for something. Something that they both knew were there and wanted to be known. Hokuto was so sure of himself. He was.

When they had calmed, Taiga pulled Hokuto against him, the both of them holding each other in the dark, wrapped up in Hokuto’s warm sheets, the feeling of comfort enveloping them in a safe embrace. Hokuto kissed Taiga’s blond locks, then his left another light kiss on his shoulder, still breathing hard, filling in the space Taiga left with every inhale.

Taiga interlocked their fingers, revelling in the fact that Hokuto’s hand fit so perfectly with his and it felt so… breathtaking. That he would trust his heart in these hands, and Hokuto wouldn’t even think of breaking that very trust. He would take hold of Taiga’s heart and make sure he held it carefully, for safekeeping, thinking he wasn’t even worthy of holding onto it even though he completely was. Because Hokuto was so selfless. Sometimes too selfless.

They laid down in silence, for a while, content with each other’s presence and the atmosphere thick with shared passion, and feelings, and warmth. Taiga placed a soft kiss on Hokuto’s arm, and Hokuto’s arm skipped a beat, almost yelling at him. Yelling at him to say so many words, but summarizing them into three powerful ones. Three words that told the entire truth and nothing but the truth.

He wanted this. He wanted Taiga. He wanted all of him and more. And he wanted them together. He was sure. His heart fluttered in his chest, almost stopping, skipping so many beats, marching to the beat of a thousand bass drums and a marching band playing an anthem so powerful, it came with a force. Hokuto was so infinitely sure. He was.

“ _ I love you _ _,_ ”

It was the faintest of whispers, almost lost in the cold air of the night, such a fleeting moment. Hokuto had said it on impulse, but did not regret it a single bit because it was so true. All part of it was, every single syllable, every letter. Every emotion poured into it.

Except he felt Taiga tense in his hold, muscles tightening. Hokuto was about to ask him if he was okay, worried that he might had done wrong, said too much, said something that could have ruined everything that had been building up between them, up until now.

But Taiga whispered a soft “Goodnight,” instead, pulled him closer again, and Hokuto wished Taiga was facing him so he could have seen what Taiga had looked. So he also knew how he felt.

Taiga kept his hand in a tight hold, almost too tight that time, like he didn’t want to let go. Like there was a nearby goodbye about to greet them and Taiga didn’t want to greet it back. Hokuto wanted to understand, but he couldn’t. Not yet. He wasn’t sure if he ever will.

But Taiga held him. He didn’t let go. He pulled Hokuto closer, even. And that was what was important. Hokuto took that as a good sign. And he hoped he was right.

When he woke up the morning after, he woke up to a cold and empty bed, not surprised that Taiga had already left. He considered looking for him again, like the morning before, but the room looked too empty. No messily opened black bag, no leather jacket lying around, no tune playing from a distance. Taiga had gone for real, this time. Hokuto looked to his left and saw the note stuck to his mirror, confirming his theory. Simple words in Taiga’s neat handwriting. A reminder to Hokuto that he had woken up too late to stop him from leaving their too good to be true bubble.

Hokuto took a deep breath, tried to tell himself, convince himself, that things were okay. Of course they were. The note wasn’t cryptic. And there was a hint of a promise in the words Taiga left. Hokuto tried to be as optimistic as he could, even though he was so hard.

He stared at the note stuck to his mirror again, looking like a tool for secrecy. Hokuto didn’t know what to make of it.

_ Had to go early. She’s home. I’ll call you.  _ — _ Taiga _

She was home. Haruhi was home.  _ Their  _ home. And Taiga had to get back to her.

And  _ she  _ was Taiga’s home, much like how he made Hokuto feel like  _ he _ was that, the past two days.

Hokuto felt like his walls were closing in, slowly suffocating him, like they were crumbling down and he was left in mere ruins of what once was: a tempting fantasy of playing house, of pretend, something Hokuto thought was a beautiful and magic love they shared, but now felt like a sad and tragic love affair. What had that meant? What had Taiga meant?

Then Hokuto remembered the night before, remembering what he said, remembering how he said it.

And he remembered it. Of course he did. He remembered it clearly.

Taiga never said them back.

* * *

_ Is love a tender thing?   
_ _ It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous,  
_ _ And it pricks like thorn _

* * *

A gentle pitter-patter of rain started outside Hokuto’s bedroom window, the shower gradually building up to a crescendo, raindrops thick and strong, knocking on the glass. It was like the clouds were screaming too, that they had had enough of carrying something that was too heavy on their shoulders. So they showed the world a magnificent downpour, coating it with tears that had welled up inside of them.

Hokuto couldn’t help but relate, somehow. Especially now, when the words he had said the last time Taiga was in his apartment still haunted him. Had he been wrong for saying them out loud? Had he let himself get too carried away by his emotions?

Had Taiga not felt it for him, too? Is that why he didn’t say the words back? Is that why he left too early the next morning, leaving only a note behind?

Hokuto observed the raindrops, sliding downwards on the glass of his window, and wondered if the clouds were as sad as he was. If they cried because of heartbreak, too. A bolt of lightning illuminated the hazy night sky, and soon after, booming thunder accompanied it. Maybe Hokuto had been wrong. Maybe the sky wasn’t sad. Maybe it was angry, instead. Or maybe it was both. Hokuto could relate either way, anyway.

The doorbell ringing distracted him from his too complicated thoughts, turning his head towards his door before picking himself up and walking towards it. He shook his head, trying to clear it, not wanting to overthink anymore.

But because he was too busy trying  _ not  _ to think about Taiga and the words he had said to him, Hokuto forgot to check who was on the other side of the door, only to be surprised when it was the exact thing in his mind. Taiga had his head down, busy looking at his feet, hair tied up in a small ponytail, seeming to be drenched.

“Taiga?” Hokuto called out as water dripped from Taiga’s hair and clothes. He guessed that Taiga must have walked or ran in the rain, not spotting an umbrella anywhere. “What are you—”

“Can I come in?” Taiga cut him off, voice sounding miles away. Hokuto hadn’t seen him look this empty in a long time. In fact, Hokuto didn’t remember seeing Taiga this empty at all. “I...I just...it’s kind of cold.”

Hokuto gaped at first before scrambling to let him pass. “Right, of course, sorry— I didn’t— right,” he opened the door wide, gesturing for Taiga to get in. Taiga hugged an arm around himself before carefully stepping into Hokuto’s apartment, a little shy because he didn’t want to drip all over the place. Especially because Hokuto liked his place clean.

“I’ll go grab you a towel. Can you remove your shoes on your own?” Hokuto asked hurriedly, worried. Taiga nodded slowly, looking convincing enough, so Hokuto nodded back and ran to grab a dry towel. He came back and wrapped it around Taiga, who had already started to discard his jacket, shoes and socks. Taiga wiped himself clean before finally stepping inside, having memorized Hokuto’s place enough to know where the way to the bedroom was.

When they were both in the bedroom, Taiga settled on the stool near the bed, continuing to wipe at himself to make sure he got dry. Hokuto watched from afar before walking towards him, reaching a hand out to help him. But Taiga moved away instead, unintentionally. Like Hokuto’s touch would burn and he wasn’t sure if he could take the heat.

Hokuto flinched, drawing his hand back. Taiga never reacted like that towards him. He would always move towards Hokuto’s touch, sometimes even asking for it. He didn’t know what was happening. “Is…” Hokuto tried to ask, “is something up? Did something happen?”

Taiga wouldn’t answer, though. Hokuto asked again after a short pause, but he still wouldn’t. Which confused Hokuto more because why would he even go to his place if he was going to give him the silent treatment? Was he mad at him? Did he do something wrong?

Or… was it because of someone else?

“Did something happen with Haruhi?” Hokuto asked, seeing Taiga’s jaw harden with the mention of the name. So it  _ was  _ about Haruhi. Hokuto should’ve asked about her earlier.

“What happened?” Taiga refused to answer still, though. Even going so far as to looking away from him, as if that could avoid his questions. How mature.

But Hokuto was persistent, as he always was. Sometimes it did him good. Other times though, times like this, it just annoyed Taiga. He didn’t have to be so pushy about it.

“Did you guys talk about something?”

Still no answer.

“Was it bad?”

Taiga really needed Hokuto to stop now.

“Is she okay?”

Taiga gritted his teeth. What was Hokuto so concerned about Haruhi for, anyway? Were they suddenly friends now? Is that what this was about? “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he finally spoke, annoyed and honestly tired. He just wanted to forget about it, about  _ her,  _ but Hokuto kept reminding him.

Hokuto was taken aback, Taiga noticed. Why, he didn’t know. But he was because he looked at him like he had just seen a ghost, a phantom of a person he thought he knew well but apparently didn’t, and that got on Taiga’s nerves. Hokuto needed to stop doing this, affecting him, even with so little effort.

“Why are you so good at that?” Hokuto suddenly asked, making Taiga wonder what he was referring to.

“At what?”

“Pretending,”

Taiga was about to answer, about to react from being called out even though it was the truth. But Hokuto spoke again.

“Why are you so good at pretending Haruhi doesn’t exist? Because she does, you know,” Hokuto said with intent, looking pointedly at him. “She exists, Taiga. She exists in your world  _ and _ mine. And she’s a real person. Not just something you can choose to ignore when you want to. She doesn’t stop existing just because you refuse to acknowledge her.”

Hearing the words come from Hokuto himself actually made the hurt even worse. And it wasn’t even because they were about Haruhi. Sure, Taiga understood that. But no, that wasn’t it. It was because it felt like Hokuto was talking about himself. Like he was describing exactly how Taiga had treated him when Haruhi was around and when the world was watching him. He pretended that Hokuto didn’t exist in his heart. Like the younger boy didn’t have a hold on him.

Taiga stood up as well, having had enough lectures and arguments for the day, scenes playing his head again. He had gone through it already with Haruhi. He didn’t want the same with Hokuto. It was why he was at Hokuto’s place, after all. To forget.

“Why are you here, Taiga? Really?” Hokuto asked, obviously pissed. He knew why Taiga was here. Of course he did. He only had one reason to see Hokuto, after all. And Hokuto damn well knew what that reason was.

“I don’t know,” Taiga answered, not knowing how to form his thoughts into words.  _ Because I need you. _

“Because I don’t understand it. What’s your reason?”

“I don’t fucking know,” he insisted, even though he  _ did  _ know. He knew so fucking well why he was there.  _ Because I want you. _

“Is it because of that?”

_ That.  _ Taiga instantly knew what Hokuto was talking about.

“That’s not it,” except, wasn’t it though?

Was it because of what Hokuto had whispered to him all those nights ago? Was it because when he heard those words, he got scared? Even more terrified of what he could do and what damage he could cause? Was it because it was the truth for him too?  _ Because I choose you. Over her. Always. _

“Is it because I told you that I lov—”

Taiga couldn’t let Hokuto say the words again. Not again, not now, not when he was still so terrified of them. Not when Taiga still trembled at the thought of them being something Hokuto actually felt. Because Hokuto saying them meant that Hokuto meant them too. He was sincere like that. And when Hokuto meant them, he also felt them, and also believed in them. Taiga didn’t know what to do about that. Taiga was scared and too much of a wreck just thinking about it and he couldn’t handle it. It was overwhelming.  _ Hokuto _ was overwhelming.

So he shut Hokuto up with a kiss instead. Because this,  _ this,  _ what was he was good at. What  _ they  _ were good at. Saying and meaning things without actually using voices and words. Getting the point across just by a look, or a touch, or a sign. This was what always worked for them. Not three incredibly terrifying words that were uncharted territory. 

It was almost like second nature, kissing Taiga back. Like Hokuto didn’t even need to think about it before acting on it. The thing was, when Taiga kissed him, every single time Taiga kissed him, it was like Hokuto forgot everything else in the world existed around the both of them. Like everything else was abstract and make believe, and Taiga’s kiss was the only concrete thing left. The only thing left that made sense, that actually held meaning. He was too caught.

Taiga’s hands started to work on his shirt, and it woke Hokuto up somehow. Like something about what they were doing felt different. It wasn’t like all the other times this happened. There was something off, this time. Something hidden.

Pulling away slightly from the hurried kiss, Hokuto searched Taiga’s face, but the older boy still refused to look at him directly. “Hey,” he said softly, caressing Taiga’s face, trying to make Taiga look at him, “what’s wrong? Tell me what happened?”

But Taiga shook his head. Again with wanting to talk about it. Couldn’t Hokuto just let the matter be? Taiga didn’t want to talk about it at all.

“I want to help, Taiga,” Hokuto said, “but how can I if you won’t let me?”

Taiga didn’t need helping. He came here for one reason, and one reason only. And he wasn’t sure if Hokuto would take that reason very well, so he preferred not to say it out loud. “I’m fine with this.”

“But—”

Hokuto was so infuriating, sometimes. “Please Hokuto just…” Taiga sounded desperate, “just let it go for once, okay? Not everything needs to be talked about.”

Hokuto suddenly moved away from him, then, offended. “Well okay,  _ why  _ won’t you say it then? I don’t need to know what it is, but I need to know why you won’t talk about it. I’m sure you have a brilliant reason. Like you do all the other times.”

“Because it’s not necessary,”

“It’s about Haruhi, isn’t it?”

“ _ God _ , can you just,” Taiga seethed, “stop,  _ stop  _ talking about her already?”

“Give me a perfectly good reason why,”

“Because she’s  _ not  _ here.  _ You  _ are and  _ I  _ am. She doesn’t have to be talked about,”

“So it  _ is _ about her, then,”

Taiga gritted his teeth again. “Okay, you know what? Fine,” he stepped closer to Hokuto, angering his tone.

“It is. We fought, okay? We fought today,”  _ because I couldn’t get you off my mind. _

“And I left her at my apartment to deal with it on her own,”  _ because I wanted to be here with you.  _

“So now I’m here, in  _ your _ apartment, asking you to  _ stop  _ talking about it and  _ her  _ because I just want to forget about it all,”  _ because I know you can make me forget her. You’re always so good at doing that. _

It was then that Taiga looked at Hokuto clearly, better, after he had carelessly run his mouth. He saw the look in Hokuto’s eyes, an anger he hadn’t seen before. And it was directed at him. Hokuto towered over him as he stepped closer, and for the first time, Taiga felt incredibly small next to him.

Hokuto was pissed as all fuck. So  _ that  _ was Taiga’s reason for being here. He fought with Haruhi, his girlfriend, and he wanted to forget all about it, so he went to Hokuto. Because that was what Hokuto was good for. Making Taiga forget about his reality. Creating a makeshift reality for Taiga instead, one where he could hide in and be a coward in.

That was the only thing Hokuto was good for. Hokuto knew that now. He was an escape. And not even a good one.

“You’re here,” he straightened his jaw, jawline looking even sharper than it already was, “because you fought with  _ her  _ and you want to use  _ me  _ to forget about it?”

Taiga was shocked. Hokuto had misunderstood. No, no, that wasn’t it. “Wait, no, that’s not—”

“Is that why you kissed me? Is that why you hoped it would reach where you wanted it to reach?”

“I didn’t—” 

“Do you want me to  _ fuck you _ , Taiga? So you could forget?” Hokuto’s voice dropped with acid, blood boiling underneath his skin. He was just so fucking pissed.

And maybe Taiga did want that. Maybe Hokuto’s cock and fuck and come  _ could  _ make him forget. Could make things better.

This was wrong. So inherently wrong because of the reason for it, but Taiga didn’t even give a damn enough to think about that.

“Is that what you’re here for?” Hokuto said, stepping closer to him again, almost like a challenge. His hands were balled up into fists, but his eyes were broken. So broken.

Taiga stopped caring.

He pulled Hokuto in hurriedly, Hokuto pushing against him just as hard. The two of them locked their lips in a vicious kiss, almost like passing poison to each other to see which one would die from venom first.

Manhandling Taiga out of his shirt, Hokuto almost ripped the clothing in two, hands moving roughly. He pushed Taiga until the back of Taiga’s knees hit Hokuto’s bed, Hokuto pushing him and making him bounce on the mattress. He moved to hover over Taiga, attacking him again with a rough kiss, biting at his lips. He pulled Taiga’s pants off of him, still soaking wet from the rain, throwing them haphazardly on the floor to join the almost torn shirt. Taiga moaned out loud, hands flying to Hokuto’s hair, fisting the jet-black locks. Hokuto heard him loud and clear. And Hokuto was  _ so angry. _

Hokuto detached his mouth from Taiga’s own and reattached it to Taiga’s neck, immediately sucking hard to mark Taiga with a deep red and welting hickey, big and visible for the world to see. They  _ should  _ see. They should see that  _ he  _ owned Taiga. Only  _ he  _ made Taiga feel like this, be like this, act like this. Only  _ him. _

Maybe Hokuto had wanted to forget, too. That this was the only thing he was good for. That this was the only thing Taiga wanted from him. Nothing else, nothing more. He wasn’t worthy of anything more.

So he moved lower, licking, sucking and biting at Taiga’s nipples, the sensitive buds hardening from his actions. He had bit a little too roughly, causing Taiga to moan louder, and Hokuto was so angry at the fact that Taiga was still enjoying this. That he still felt so good, despite what they were both really feeling. Confusion, anger, hurt. And he was even more angry at the fact that  _ he  _ enjoyed this too. A sick thought deep inside him enjoyed that he could still make Taiga feel this good, even if they were angry at each other.

Hokuto pushed Taiga’s legs apart, situating himself in between them, stretching Taiga’s limbs. Taiga still fisted Hokuto’s hair, moaning even more when Hokuto’s nails dug into the skin of his thighs, gripping him tight.

Lifting himself again, Hokuto went back to kissing Taiga, attacking him with lips and tongue and teeth and an energy he wanted to get rid of. An unwanted emotion inside of him, wanted to be let out. He wasn’t even sure if it was anger anymore or it was hurt. All he knew was, it was bad and ugly and he wanted it gone.

So he moved his hand lower and lower until they reached Taiga’s entrance, inserting a finger without warning, Taiga’s moan blocked by his kiss. He pulled his finger out fully before inserting two in, then pulling them apart to stretch Taiga further. “ _ Fuck _ —” Taiga managed to sneak in between their kisses. “Hokuto, I—” but he choked on a moan again when Hokuto pulled his fingers out again, before pushing back in with three. Taiga felt so fucking full, pleasure overriding his system.

Hokuto pulled away from the kiss, biting onto Taiga’s shoulder to keep himself from talking. Keep himself from saying things he didn’t want. From saying things that could affect both of them in the worst ways. He pushed and pulled his fingers, in and out of Taiga, trying his best to focus on making the older boy feel good. To distract both of them from the inevitable. The question floating in the air that needed to be answered but both were too afraid to face.

Taiga’s hands finally moved to remove Hokuto’s clothes, stripping him off of his shirt and pants, throwing them away to join his own on the floor. He moaned again when Hokuto curled his fingers inside of him, hitting the spot that always made him see stars. Hokuto hit it repeatedly, driving Taiga over the edge, fingers working Taiga up into a frenzy. Taiga could come like this. He would, and he would let Hokuto make him come like this. He had no problems with it at all.

But Hokuto suddenly pulled his fingers out, grasping Taiga’s hip with a firm hand, sure to leave bruises there. Taiga reached for his cock, aiming it as his stretched entrance, already aching to have Hokuto inside of him. Hokuto wasted no time and pushed forward, pushing his tip in, Taiga biting at his lip as he took Hokuto. Hokuto kept pushing in, pushing further, Taiga’s heat familiar but also still so new, despite the many times they’ve done this before. Over and over and over. He kept pushing until he was in so deep, fully sheathed, bottoming out. Taiga tried to catch his breath, clawing at Hokuto’s back, scratching him, leaving his own marks.

Hokuto pulled out and pushed in deep, not waiting for anything else. He moved to bite at Taiga’s collarbone before thrusting again, Taiga moving his own hands to Hokuto’s ass, urging him on.

Forget. All they wanted was to forget. Both of them. Forget the girl they were  _ both  _ attached to. Forget the girl they both hurt, were still hurting, will hurt even more. Forget the girl that held a place in each of their hearts.

Haruhi’s smile flashed through Hokuto’s mind, bright and beautiful. Her voice, a calming relief to his ears. How could he even think they would ever be friends? Of course they couldn’t. Not when he kept hurting her like this. Not when he constantly stole from her, like this. Not when he willingly did it. Not when he didn’t regret a single thing.

He fucked Taiga harder, thrusting deeper, a vicious and vigorous cycle, Taiga’s moans getting louder and longer and deafening. For the first time, they were deafening. Because of what it entailed. Because of what it meant.

Hokuto couldn’t take it anymore.

“Does she fuck you like this?” he asked with gritted teeth, anger taking over his emotions. “Answer me, Taiga,” a thrust, hard and deep. “Does she?”

Taiga moaned as an answer, but Hokuto was having none of that. He needed to hear words. Taiga needed to say it out loud.

Hokuto thrust again, Taiga feeling too good, it was  _ too good,  _ he didn’t know how much pleasure he could handle.

“Does she make you feel like this?” Hokuto spoke, furious. “Does she make you feel good?”

Taiga wanted to answer. He did, he really did. But he knew that if he did, it would change everything. It would change  _ them. _

But Hokuto did make him feel good. Hokuto fucked him best, Hokuto made him feel like this, feel like everything else made sense. He completed him and destroyed him at the same time, and he wanted both of that. He wanted all of it. He  _ wanted  _ Hokuto. No matter what. And with each thrust into him, he realized more of it. It was  _ only  _ Hokuto who made him feel like this.

“Do you think about me when you fuck her? Do you think about the way I fuck you?”

Taiga did. He did. He always did.

“Does she make you feel the way I do?”

She didn’t. Haruhi didn’t. Haruhi never made him feel like the way Hokuto made him feel.

“Does she make you come like the way I do?”

Fuck.

“N-No,” Taiga finally answered, wrapping the word around a moan. He couldn’t help it anymore. All of it was true. Every single thing. It was Hokuto. It was always Hokuto. Nobody else. No matter how much he denied it, no matter how much he tried to bury it. It was always Hokuto over Haruhi. “She doesn’t.”

Hokuto angled his hips upwards, directly hitting Taiga’s prostate. Taiga gasped, hand gripping Hokuto’s shoulder, going back to fisting his hair.

“I can’t fucking hear you,” Hokuto thrust into Taiga again, hand finding Taiga’s cock and grabbing him, timing his hand with his hips.

“She—fuck, ah—” Taiga felt hot all over, all of his nerves alive. “She doesn’t,” he said louder.

“Is it me? Is it only me who makes you feel like this?” Hokuto asked selfishly, pounding into Taiga even harder, driven by everything slowly building up.

“ _ Yes, _ ” Taiga almost screamed, voice pitching up higher, a familiar feeling creeping up on him. He was close.  _ So fucking close. _ “Only you,” he said desperately. Desperate for Hokuto to make him reach where he wanted both of them to reach. Desperate for that feeling. “Only you, Hokuto. You make me feel like—fuck—” Taiga was there. He was so close already. He could feel it. “Hokuto, I—”

Hokuto thrust again, harder and faster, deep inside of Taiga, trying to forget about Haruhi in his mind. Trying to forget about Haruhi. Trying and trying and trying, but not entirely succeeding.  _ I’m sorry, Haruhi. I’m so fucking sorry. _

He looked at Taiga in the eyes, pulling at Taiga’s hair with his free hand, Taiga gasping again and arching his back. He kissed Taiga, thrusting hard into him again, and again, and again.

And Hokuto came, of course he did, he came so much and so hard. He still came, despite everything, despite all that he was feeling, despite everything bubbling and boiling over, and it felt  _ so good,  _ coming inside of Taiga. Filling him up, almost claiming him, like he did before and like he will always do. But it also made it worse somehow, because it felt good, and yet it felt like there was something looming in the distance, waiting to destroy both of them. But Hokuto still came anyway, Taiga coming with him.

Taiga contracted against Hokuto’s cock, coming with him at the same time, the mutual climax making his mind float with ecstasy. He would’ve screamed Hokuto’s name had it not been for their desperate kiss, stealing breath from each other like a reward but also like a goddamn punishment. He spilled all over his stomach, coating Hokuto’s fingers, which were still pumping his own cock, driving him further to the edge.

“H-Hokuto—” he moaned out loud, voice dripping with pure unadulterated lust, “w-wait, I—”

Because Hokuto was not stopping. Hokuto was still pounding into him, purely taking pleasure from Taiga’s body, still pumping his cock with come-coated fingers and all. It felt good, it felt so good, Taiga was so caught. He didn’t want Hokuto to stop. He wanted Hokuto to keep going, keep taking him, keep making him feel like nothing else mattered, keep making him feel like heaven and hell combined. He wanted more, he would have begged for more. It was such a sensory overload, and another thrust into him and Taiga was spilling and coming again, a little stronger, a little more intense.

Hokuto wouldn’t have stopped had Taiga not gripped his arm as a warning, a tell that he wanted more but also knew they had to pause. He would’ve gone until they were both breathless. Until they were both incomprehensible, the only thing existing would be their lust. But he had to, for fear of his heart giving out and giving up. He lusted for Taiga, he wanted him so bad and so much. But.

But he loved him too. More than he could ever understand. So he stopped.

Taiga slowed down their kiss a fraction, tried to catch his breath and calm them down, Hokuto following his lead. Except he furrowed his eyebrows shortly after, curious as to why his cheeks were wet—too wet for it to just be sweat—and why Hokuto suddenly had short breaths. He fluttered his eyes open, Hokuto pulling away from their kiss at the same time, and pulling out of him. Taiga winced a little from the action, but it was nothing too painful. He was more concerned about Hokuto hiding behind his dark bangs, covering his eyes.

“H-Hokuto...” Taiga struggled to whisper in his blissed out state, “what is it?”

But he didn’t even have to wait for an answer. It was only then that Taiga realized Hokuto had been sobbing silently, trying to prevent himself from crying fully. His tears stained his cheeks, falling from his eyes gracefully, like traveling shooting stars hurling their way across the galaxy.

Hokuto was crying. And his tears landed on Taiga’s cheeks as they kissed. Taiga felt one of his heartstrings break.

But when Taiga was about to ask Hokuto why—why he had cried, what went wrong, what was the reason—he had realized that Hokuto’s tears falling on his face weren’t the reason why his own cheeks were wet.

Taiga realized that he had been crying himself. That he had let out his own tears, unable to stop them from falling. That somewhere in the middle of sex, of fucking, of their outburst of lust, they had cried. For each other. From each other. Because of each other.

Hokuto sobbed harder, couldn’t stop himself anymore, couldn’t stop from letting out all of his emotions. They were just… it was too much. He couldn’t take any more. “Why?” he asked with a broken voice, utterly defeated. “Why are we like this?”

Taiga pushed himself up, trying to reach for Hokuto. Hokuto moved away slightly, not knowing if he wanted to be touched by Taiga so soon, again. It hurt Taiga that he did that, but he understood too. But he still didn’t know what to do.

“I… I don’t know,” because Taiga really didn’t know. Everything was too fucking confusing and he didn’t know where to start.

“I can’t do this anymore, Taiga,” Hokuto said suddenly, choking on sobs and words and too much emotion. “I can’t hurt like this anymore. It’s too much, it hurts too much, I don’t want to— I can’t—”

“No, no, no,” Taiga moved forward, pulling Hokuto in an embrace, tears welling up in his eyes too. “No, Hokuto, don’t say that. Please.”

“If you’re still not sure—”

“Hokuto, please,  _ please _ , don’t say things like that,” he didn’t want to lose Hokuto. He could lose everything else he ever had, just not Hokuto. Taiga would lose his mind if he did.

“But it  _ hurts.  _ And I can’t take it, I can’t take all the hiding, the lies, the—”

“No, no more of that,”

“But we’re hurting Haruhi, and—”

“No, we’re not going to hurt Haruhi anymore. We’re not going to,” Taiga didn’t even know what he was saying anymore, his own tears falling. He was just desperate to make Hokuto stay. Make Hokuto change his mind because he was in a panic. Hokuto couldn’t leave him. He just couldn’t. It was unthinkable.

“But we  _ are  _ hurting her. We keep doing it. And we’re hurting each other, and it’s just too much. We need to end this before—”

“No,” Taiga was crying again, too. He wasn’t going to let this happen. He took Hokuto’s face in his hands, a determined look in his eyes. “I’ll fix this.”

Hokuto looked at Taiga with surprise. Was he really saying that? Did he mean what Hokuto thought he meant? Was he really going to fix this? Fix them?

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Taiga took a deep breath, “I’ll fix this. I… I don’t know how, yet. I don’t have a plan. I admit that. But I’ll fix this, okay? I will. I swear I will.”

Taiga didn’t know what he was talking about, either. But the words kept coming out and he just kept saying them because the last thing he wanted was for Hokuto to not want whatever they had anymore. Especially not now, when Taiga realized more and more that Hokuto was who he wanted to choose. That Hokuto was who he wanted to be with. Even if he was still so scared of what Hokuto said all those nights ago.

Hokuto seemed easily convinced, at least. Maybe he was just as desperate as Taiga was.

“Okay,” he said, nodding, “okay then. Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” Taiga’s answer was instant, “just… please. Please don’t leave. I can’t do this without you, Hokuto, I can’t—”

Hokuto shook his head. He was about to say something more, but maybe words weren’t needed anymore. They reached an understanding. And he hoped that was more than enough.

Taiga slept over that night, Hokuto softly cleaning both of their bodies after everything, then wrapping the both of them in his warm sheets. Taiga pulled him close as they slept, almost afraid Hokuto was going to disappear if he didn’t do so. He was going to fix this, one way or another. Somehow. In some sort of fucked up way, he will. Of course he will. He would find a way.

When morning came, Hokuto was greeted by a familiar chill, not surprised at all that he was alone on his bed. Taiga had left early, like he always did. It was sad that Hokuto was used to it. And it was even sadder that it didn’t bother him anymore.

But he pushed the negative thoughts away.

Taiga told him he would fix things. Maybe he was finally going to pluck up the courage to confess. Maybe he had finally woken up from their daydream and faced their reality. Maybe he was finally going to tell Haruhi the truth. The whole truth.

Maybe.

Maybe, for once, he was going to choose Hokuto. 

Hope was a dangerous thing to have. It had jagged edges and it cut so deep and it made even the most beautiful looking things so immensely painful.

But Hokuto still held onto it. Hope was the only thing he had left, after all. No matter how dangerous it was.

* * *

_ Under love’s heavy burden  
_ _ do I sink _

* * *

Hokuto didn’t exactly know how he ended up in front of Taiga’s apartment door. One way or another—finding some shitty excuse that even  _ he _ wouldn’t believe—he found reason to stand where he stood. To knock on Taiga’s door with his heart on his sleeve and his breath caught in his throat.

It was just a shirt. But Hokuto also remembered that it was one of Taiga’s favorites, despite not giving much of a shit about fashion. So it being his favorite maybe meant something. Maybe  _ it _ meant something. Then Hokuto remembered he was the one who gave the shirt to Taiga, as a random gift. But he forced himself to not believe that was the reason. He doubted it was, anyway.

He didn’t exactly know where they stood, now. Which was why he wasn’t sure this was exactly the best idea. Hokuto knew that the other day felt too heavy for even him to bear. He didn’t know what it had meant that Taiga came to him when he was sad, and that Taiga told him that he made him feel a certain way. He didn’t know what Taiga meant too, when he said Haruhi didn’t make him feel like that.

Especially because they were words that were said when they were in bed. Where words were thrown left and right like they didn’t mean as much as they did. Where words were seldomly treated more than they actually were.

Hokuto wished that what Taiga told him actually  _ meant  _ something this time, though. Like maybe a realization. It was a shot in the dark, probably. But Hokuto still clung to that tiny amount of hope. Maybe Taiga had a wake up call, finally. Maybe. All he could hold onto were maybes, anyway.

So Hokuto pressed on the little button next to the door, the doorbell ringing loudly enough for him to hear from the outside. He heard a shuffling from the other side of the door, suddenly straightening up and clearing his throat. God, why was he nervous again? It was just Taiga. He always saw Taiga.

Or maybe because it was  _ Taiga.  _ And Taiga always saw him more than anyone else ever did.

“Ah,” Taiga’s voice came from the open entrance, eyebrows lifted, curious. “Hokuto. What are you doing here?”

There was a tone to his voice that Hokuto couldn’t exactly make out. Something along the lines of worry, nervous, surprise, and curiosity. Or all of those combined. Hokuto didn’t know what to make of it.

“Hi, I uh...” he cleared his throat, playing with the shirt in his hands. “There’s this thing that’s just— I thought I would—”

“Taiga?”

Wait. Hokuto knew that voice.

“Taiga, who is it?”

Hokuto peered a little inside the apartment, noticing Taiga averting his gaze away and closing his eyes, almost a pained expression on his face. Inside, Haruhi’s voice echoed, sweet and pure, but also sounded sultry, like it was laced with something rich.

Hokuto looked at her more clearly, seeing her questioning expression, a small satisfied smile on her lips. She was barefoot, her hair disheveled like she had just gotten out of bed, wearing nothing but an oversized shirt to cover her figure.

Hokuto looked at the shirt again. He  _ knew _ who owned that.

Then he looked at Taiga, with more intent this time. The owner of the shirt that Haruhi was wearing right now. Taiga’s hair looked unruly, but the good kind. Like someone had run their fingers through it and pulled tight. His shirt looked like it was haphazardly thrown on, boxers peeking underneath it that looked like it wasn’t put on right, too. Taiga suddenly wrapped an arm around himself, as if trying to cover his current state, despite being fully dressed. Like he was caught in the middle of a crime that he very much intended to commit, but didn’t intend on getting caught doing it.

“Ah, Hokuto-kun,” Haruhi said from inside the apartment, smiling and waving, looking excited to see Hokuto. “Hi. It’s nice to see you.”

She looked so comfortable. In Taiga’s apartment. In Taiga’s life. In Taiga’s heart.

“I’ll be there in a sec,” Taiga spoke up, finally. And it broke Hokuto out of his reverie.

There was ringing in Hokuto’s ears the moment the realization dawned on him. He realized now that this was what Taiga meant when he wanted to fix things. Taiga never meant it for the both of them. He never meant that he was finally going to tell the truth, that he was finally going to come clean about things. He never meant to take responsibility for everything he has done.

He meant it for him and Haruhi. He meant fixing things between them, getting her back, making his way into her heart again. Hokuto was stunned as it sunk in, too shocked to process anything fully, and too many questions in his head.

Then, as if a time bomb had exploded, he suddenly felt empty. Like a balloon pierced with the prick of the sharpest needle, suddenly letting out everything and also nothing.

He thought his heart had stopped beating. And he wouldn’t be surprised if it actually did.

Here he was, Taiga’s shirt in his hands, finding reasons to even just  _ see  _ the older boy. To see that smile, hear that laugh, see those bright eyes that held so much promise.

And there she was, in Taiga’s shirt, having just left Taiga’s bed.

And here Taiga was. The boy he was in love with. The boy who owned his heart and more. Having just finished sex with the girl he was proud to show the world. Like Hokuto wasn’t his secret. Like Hokuto didn’t claim him every night.

Hokuto looked down at his hands, Taiga’s shirt looking misplaced and ridiculous now. He willed his hands not to tremble, willed his mind to focus, wanting to simply get this stupid shit over with and go home. Go home and cry and get drunk or smoke a goddamn cigarette and force himself to not think about Taiga whispering sweet nothings in Haruhi’s ear, Taiga pounding into Haruhi with no forgiveness, Taiga making Haruhi feel good, Taiga making Haruhi scream his name, Taiga telling Haruhi what Hokuto so wanted to hear, himself.

_ Stop, stop, stop, stop _ .

Hokuto held out his hands, near enough so Taiga could take what he held, but far enough so his skin didn’t touch Taiga’s. Hokuto didn’t want that, at all.

“You left it at my place,” Hokuto said quietly, almost a whisper. How fucking ironic it was that he respected Taiga enough to not let Haruhi hear. So she wouldn’t think about how Taiga was in Hokuto’s apartment. How Taiga left a shirt there. So she wouldn’t think of all the reasons. All the possibilities. So she wouldn’t think about the truth. Hokuto looked past Taiga, sent a weak smile to her direction, trying his best to mask his hurt. “I thought you might want it back. It’s your favorite and—” and Hokuto didn’t mean to mention that. He really didn’t. “Anyway, that’s all I’m here for.”

He didn’t want to say good-bye. It sounded so final. So he left it at that, and started walking away, not once looking into Taiga’s eyes.

He had gotten far enough when he heard the door to Taiga’s apartment close, fully expecting that sound, fully expecting Taiga to let the matter be and go back inside.

What he didn’t expect were tight arms that embraced him, Taiga hugging him from behind as he breathed so fast, almost as if his breath was going to run out.

“ _ Hokuto, _ ” Taiga whispered against Hokuto’s back, voice faint, sounding like it was caught. Like he had been crying. Was he? Was he crying right now? Hokuto swore he could feel something wet on his shirt. Was Taiga really shedding tears for him? Did he give Hokuto that honor?

Hokuto closed his eyes and tried to feel the thrum on Taiga’s heartbeat, chest colliding with his back. He remembered the other day. The way Taiga had declared himself as his. The way that Taiga clung to him like he was the only thing keeping him going. The way Taiga made him feel like he was the only person left in the world. Then Hokuto listened to his own heartbeat, tried to see if it was going too fast or too slow or it was even beating at all.  _ Hey, heart, how are you? Has Taiga punished you enough? Has he made you suffer? Are you tired? _

He stood there, hands balled up into fists, angry at himself, because it  _ was _ beating. It was beating so fast and so alive and the only reason was because Taiga was making him stay. Making him stay despite having just gone and whispered another person’s name, a sweet girl’s name, into his ruffled sheets. Despite having just declared his feelings for someone else. Feelings that Hokuto knew were genuine and true, as much as he had feelings for Hokuto, too. Taiga was a menace, in all the ways that Hokuto could imagine. Danger in his eyes, a fire in his touch. But Hokuto walked into the flame, anyway. He didn’t care that he got burned.

“She’s going to see,” is all Hokuto could muster up the courage to say. Haruhi was going to see them, and she deserved better than that. Deserved better than being clueless to a secret that was consuming both Hokuto and Taiga whole, despite them not acknowledging it, despite them denying it. Hokuto didn’t want her to see the mess that they were.

“Let her,” Taiga said with conviction, truth in his voice. Of course he wouldn’t care. Hokuto was his downfall, after all. “I don’t fucking care.”

Hokuto took a deep breath, memories of a specific night haunting his thoughts like a present nightmare. Whispers of sweet nothings into Taiga’s ear, realizing that his heart’s purpose was to love the boy who was currently destroying him, letting that same boy devour him, still. 

He had to do this. He had to.

Hokuto lifted a hand to touch Taiga’s own, lacing their fingers together, a minute touch making him feel like all the stars aligned. It was a moment. Just a fleeting moment.  _ Let me have this, _ he thought.  _ Let me have this, even just for a while. _

But a while didn’t last forever. Hokuto knew that much.

“I don’t care, too, if she sees you with anyone else,” he started, a bitter tone surfacing itself in his voice.

Then he removed Taiga’s hold on him, turning around to face Taiga finally, looking at him with eyes that he hoped told Taiga enough.

_ Enough. _

“Just not with me,”

Hokuto didn’t wait for Taiga to react. He didn’t wait for him to say anything, do anything,  _ be anything. _ With sure steps, Hokuto walked away.

Each step, he counted, for fear of turning back. For fear of pulling Taiga against him and taking back what he said. For fear of giving into what his heart wanted again, what his heart yearned for, what his heart craved, and not what his heart desperately needed. A break. A much needed break.

Because Hokuto could only take so much pain.

_ Enough, Hokuto. _

_ Enough. _

* * *

_ These violent delights  
_ _ Have violent ends _

* * *

He was sick of it. He was sick of  _ all  _ of it.

Hokuto should have known. He should have known better than to trust Taiga’s words, than to trust Taiga at all. He should have known not to give his heart to him, known that the words he threw around meant nothing more than just deceit. Because that was what he was good at. Lying and causing harm and making everybody believe he had good intentions when he didn’t. Hokuto knew that now.

God, how could he have been so blind? Blinded by the what ifs and maybes and hope. Fucking hope. He  _ knew  _ he shouldn’t have trusted that, either. Hope led him nowhere. Only to a dead end that he already saw coming but chose to ignore. This was his own fault, too. Hope was nothing but a vain fantasy, something people held onto when they thought that things would still be better. It was all false.

He had been chain smoking the entire afternoon, nicotine filling his system, wanting to drown everything out. Flashes of images occupy his mind: Taiga and Haruhi, together, in the bedroom, after he had just told Hokuto he was going to fix things the night before. It wasn’t a pretty picture because it looked beautiful. Because Taiga and Haruhi were both beautiful people who looked even more beautiful together, and Hokuto was but a stain to them, to that image. He was nothing more than temporary.

Hokuto was past sadness and hurt, now. All of it was clouded by an anger that consumed him, that made him forget everything else. Taiga was the root of all of it. He had done wrong too, of course, because it took two to dance that vicious and harmful tango. But he couldn’t help his anger anymore, couldn’t control it. He was mad before, but he was furious now.

He had wanted things to stop, tried to end things, tried to do better. Tried to think of Haruhi and what she deserved and all the happiness that he stole from her. And he didn’t want to steal anymore. He didn’t want to be the reason for Taiga’s lies. He wanted it to end. Taiga didn’t let him. Taiga stopped him. Only for Taiga to pull that very rug under his feet, all because he was too selfish to choose. All because he wanted everything for himself, like he always did. Hokuto should’ve known that, too.

The cigarette box in his grip was slowly getting crushed, fist shaking, but Hokuto closed his eyes and took a deep breath to not fully destroy the sticks inside. He needed to smoke some more. It was the only thing that could take his mind off of things, at present. So he took another cancer stick out and lit it with his lighter, taking a long drag to let the smoke infiltrate his lungs. And it still didn’t take Taiga’s taste off of his mouth. Fuck.

The doorbell to his apartment rang loud, Hokuto ignoring it because he knew who was on the other side. What the fuck did Taiga want this time? An apology? A fuck? Another lie? Hokuto was just about done with everything Taiga had to offer. He was done with all the bullshit.

So the doorbell kept ringing, kept annoying him, but he pushed on, ignored it still. It eventually stopped, and Hokuto thought Taiga had finally given up, only for his phone to start vibrating on the nearby table, Taiga’s name decorating his screen. He should’ve deleted the damn thing.

So he ignored the call, too. Let his phone keep ringing, Taiga’s name and number displayed on the lit up screen, covering his wallpaper. Hokuto opened and closed his fist, trying to calm his breathing, trying to make sure he didn’t burst out loud in anger. The phone stopped ringing, and he thought it was over. He really thought it was. He thought Taiga had finally given up on trying to sell him more of his bullshit excuses.

“Hokuto, open the door.  _ Please, _ ” Taiga’s voice was muffled through his apartment door, but it still got through. Hokuto didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to be drawn to it. “Please, I need to talk to you.”

He needed to talk to Taiga too. To tell him that he had had enough of everything. That yesterday was it, the finality of all of it. That everything hurt too much, so much that Hokuto didn’t even feel it anymore. He was numb. But he didn’t want to see him. Not at all.

“Please,” Taiga said again.

Hokuto balled his hand up into a fist and stood up, walking towards the door, his cigarette almost getting crushed between two fingers. Sparks flew, but he didn’t give a single fuck. If what Taiga wanted was to talk, then fine. Hokuto was going to talk to him. He was going to talk him into leaving.

The moment Hokuto reached his door, he unlocked it angrily, opening it wide to glare at Taiga. Taiga looked like an absolute wreck in front of him, but Hokuto didn’t find the time to care about it. “Leave me alone,” he said harshly, saying the words through gritted teeth.

Taiga stepped closer though, invading his personal space. “It’s not what you think it is.”

More bullshit. Hokuto wasn’t surprised. “It is exactly what I think it is.”

“Hokuto,  _ please,  _ I can explain,”

Hokuto scoffed, honestly appalled that Taiga still found the energy to feed him lies. Did he really think Hokuto would still feel sorry for him? After everything that happened? After everything he had done? To both him  _ and  _ Haruhi? No more.

He walked away from Taiga, not caring if the older boy followed him into his apartment or not. He didn’t want his neighbors to witness the war zone currently brewing, anyway. So if Taiga went in and closed the door, then fine. But it didn’t mean Hokuto was going to listen to any more of what he had to say. So he just took another long drag from his cigarette, blowing smoke into the air to contaminate the atmosphere, subliminally doing it because he didn’t want to get reeled in by Taiga’s scent. Especially because Taiga was being incredibly persistent.

“Feel free to keep talking,” he said after another drag. “Not like I’m going to listen, anyway.”

Hokuto turned around and saw that Taiga was maintaining a safe distance. Good. He should stay away. He should’ve stayed away from the beginning.

“I’m just ... I... I didn’t know what to…” Taiga stuttered. Hokuto rolled his eyes, knowing Taiga couldn’t get himself out of this mess, this time. Not this time. He had destroyed everything too much.

Hokuto took another drag and blew the remaining smoke at Taiga’s face, not giving a fuck. “You don’t have to give me an excuse. Because I know you don’t have one.”

“That’s not it,”

“It is,” Hokuto narrowed his eyes. “You told me you would fix things, and I was stupid enough to believe you. I should’ve known you were lying. You’ve lied to Haruhi all this time. So it was inevitable you would lie to me too.”

“I wasn’t lying,”

“Could you at least quit feeding me your  _ bullshit? _ I thought I would’ve at least been above that,”

Taiga was so frustrated. He just wanted to say his piece, explain himself, explain things, but Hokuto wasn’t listening. He had no intentions of listening at all. “If you would just stop for a second and listen to me, then I could tell you things. And I just—”

“Listen to you? Listen to  _ you? _ ” Hokuto smiled, looking wicked and broken. “Oh, Kyomoto. It always has to be about you, isn’t it? Because that’s all you care about. Not me, and not her. You only care about yourself.”

It hurt Taiga that Hokuto accused him of being selfish. But it hurt even more that Hokuto addressed him by his last name. He had quit doing that a long time ago, finally finding the courage to call him by his first name, and sticking with it. Hokuto calling him by his last name again sounded so haunting. Like they had taken ten steps back and there was no get out of jail card this time.

“Fine. Okay. That’s fair that you think that. It’s fair, all of it. Whatever you say, I can take it. But I need you to listen to me. I need you to hear what I have to say and what I really feel because—”

“God, I’m so tired,” Hokuto crushed his cigarette on a nearby ashtray, about to reach for another one before finding out that his box was empty. He crumpled the box and threw it on the table, his ears ringing from Taiga’s voice and his mind swimming with unwanted but evident emotions. Anger, betrayal, hurt, heartbreak. He didn’t want to let Taiga speak because no matter Taiga said, it didn’t change anything. He still did what he did. He still said what he said. He still broke every single piece of him. “Tired of all of this. I can’t, Kyomoto.”

“Hokuto,  _ look _ ,” Taiga grit his teeth too, frustration getting the better of him. “Why won’t you just fucking listen?? I’m trying my best here.”

“Well, that’s a first,”

Taiga was taken aback, an incredulous look on his face, surprised at how Hokuto was acting. “Hokuto, what are you trying to achieve??”

“What are  _ you  _ trying to achieve, Kyomoto? More pain? More hurt? Still not enough for you, what you did?”

Taiga couldn’t believe Hokuto’s attitude. Sure, he warranted anger, but this was too much. “Why are you acting like I’m the only one at fault here??” he said, couldn’t control his own reactions anymore. “ _ You  _ hurt her too, you know. You hid from her too. You willingly fucked me, remember? Or did you conveniently forget about that? Because I don’t remember you stopping whatever we were doing, too.”

Hokuto let out a bitter laugh, eyes wide in anger. “Oh, are we pointing blame now, is that it? Is that what we’re doing? Well, okay,” he stood straight, head held high, “I wanted to stop it, do you remember that? I wanted to. I’ve had enough of it. Of the secrets and the hiding and I didn’t want to hurt Haruhi anymore. Or did  _ you  _ forget  _ that? _ ”

Taiga recalled that night. Hokuto did want to stop it. And he did say he was going to fix things. He tried to, he did, he really did. But.

“You could’ve stopped it the first time,”

“You could’ve stopped begging me to fuck you, then,”

Taiga felt like he was punched hard. They were merely throwing words left and right, now, intent on tearing each other apart. “You don’t care about her enough to quit fucking me.”

“You don’t care about her enough to tell her you preferred fucking me, instead of her,”

“Why are you even friends with her??”

“Why didn’t you just break up with her??”

And that was it. That was the elephant in the room, the million dollar question. Why didn’t he? Why didn’t he just do that?

“Was I not enough for you??” Hokuto’s voice raised, expression angry. “I was here. I was  _ always  _ here. Since before, since we were young. And I’m  _ still  _ here, after everything. And when you finally went to me, I thought I was finally enough for you. But you suddenly had  _ her.  _ You found her and got together with her, and I wanted to be so angry but she’s  _ so beautiful.  _ And I’m so mad because I can’t bring myself to hate her no matter how hard I tried.”

Taiga tried to keep breathing.

“What else do I have to  _ do,  _ Kyomoto?? I don’t fucking know anymore!” Hokuto yelled, his mind too clouded that he was starting to not make proper sense anymore.

Taiga had to say something. He had to. He didn’t know that this was how much the hurt had reached. “No, wait, Hokuto, I didn’t… I do, I do feel for you, and you’re enough for me, of course you are, I just— she’s just— I can’t leave her and I—”

“What more do you need??”

“Nothing! You don’t have to—”

Hokuto tore his gaze from Taiga, looking so broken. “Stop, stop it, no more.”

“Hokuto—”

“God, no, please. What more do I have to give you?? What more?? Why can’t I be enough like  _ she  _ is???”

“No, Hokuto, listen—”

“What do you want from me??”

“I don’t know, okay!!” Taiga yelled, tears flooding his vision, voice straining. “I don’t know what to do anymore! Because I want  _ her,  _ but I want  _ you, _ I want you so bad I —”

“You  _ don’t _ . Stop saying that! You don’t want me,”

“I do! I want you, Hokuto, okay?? You have to believe me—”

“You don’t, Taiga!”

“I do!! Why can’t you—”

“No, you don’t! Stop lying to yourself! It’s  _ her!  _ It’ll always be her!!”

“I’m not lying!”

“You are! You don’t want me! Not enough, okay?? You don’t want me  _ enough! _ ” Hokuto said, voice cracking, defeated. He hadn’t noticed that he had started crying, too. Out of frustration and sorrow and hurt.  _ So much hurt. _

Taiga could feel his heartstrings snapping, breaking free from their hold on his heart. “No, no, Hokuto I—”

“I was never enough for you. And you don’t want me enough to leave her. Not enough to choose this. To choose  _ us, _ ” Hokuto took a deep breath, the inevitable truth looming in the distance now needing to be faced. A much needed harsh reality. “You don’t want me enough to choose  _ me. _ You never did.”

And just when Taiga thought that was what was going to shatter his heart, Hokuto spoke again, the final nail to the coffin.

“I’m done being your whore, Kyomoto,” 

Taiga felt like the world had stopped, Hokuto’s voice a haunting echo in the empty apartment.

Hokuto’s eyes were empty too, but he still said the words with conviction. “Find someone else you can use. Because it’s not going to be me anymore.”

_ I’m doing being your whore, Kyomoto. _

Six words like six bullets shot right into Taiga’s chest. Right through his heart, cutting off his source of life.

They weren’t even the least bit true. Hokuto was never his whore. He never used him. He loved him, Taiga loved him so much that sometimes he couldn’t breathe without knowing Matsumura Hokuto existed. So much that he thought if the universe hadn’t given him Hokuto then there would be no point to everything else.

But he chose to be a coward. He chose to go the easy route, the path that people wouldn’t question, the path people wouldn’t bat an eyelash to. He chose to tell the world of Haruhi, and chose to hide Hokuto underneath tangled sheets and tangled secrets. And this was what he got. Hokuto thought that all Taiga wanted was his nights, his body, his come. And even if Taiga did tell him the truth, Hokuto wouldn’t believe him. Like the boy who cried wolf, except Taiga cried for a fuck.

Hokuto would never believe him if Taiga told him that he wanted his heart too. His days, his heart, his love. All of it and so much more.Taiga wanted his forever. But Hokuto would just tell him he was lying.

“Get out,” Hokuto suddenly said in a stern voice, breaking Taiga out of his reverie. He snapped back to reality, a panic across his features.

“Hokuto, no, please, please listen to me—”

“Get  _ out, _ Kyomoto. I don’t want you here,”

“No, no, please,  _ please.  _ It’s not what you think, I swear, I will fix this, I will, and—”

“I’ve had enough of your fucking lies,” Hokuto was standing his ground, already stepping towards Taiga, intent on leading him towards the door. He remembered the last time Taiga said that he would fix something. It didn’t turn out the way Hokuto thought it would. “Get out of my apartment, Kyomoto. I don’t want to hear it anymore. And I don’t want to see  _ you,  _ anymore.”

Taiga was crying even harder, now, almost like he could hear his heart getting pierced ever so slightly, slowly, then all at once, shattering. “Hokuto, you can’t do this.”

“I can,” Hokuto said, voice cracking. Taiga could see more tears gathering in his eyes too, but Hokuto refused to let them fall anymore. He was weaker, he was already crying. But Hokuto didn’t let himself cry. He had always been the stronger one out of both of them. “And I will.’

Taiga shook his head. He wanted to beg again, wanted to stay, wanted to convince Hokuto that they couldn’t end like this, not like this, not when he had so much left to say. Not when he hadn’t said the words back.

“You can’t be sure of this,”

But Hokuto was. He had never been more sure of anything. Sometimes, no matter how much love you pour out to someone, it would never be enough. Because the hurt was still more powerful.

“I am,”

Taiga’s breath hitched, taking a step back, like Hokuto placed a blade directly against his heart. And just when he thought Hokuto wouldn’t push it, Hokuto dug deep, all the way to the hilt.

“You had me,” Hokuto said, the truth spilling out. Because Taiga did. Taiga had Hokuto. Taiga had all of him. All that he had to give. And he still wasn’t enough.

“And I loved you,”

Loved.

_ Loved. _

Taiga didn’t know how he got out of the apartment, exactly, the whole thing was a hazy blur. It was only when he was on a taxi back to his apartment did he even realize he had left. Like everything was at a standstill, and only Hokuto’s voice existed.

Hokuto didn’t want him anymore. He made that crystal clear.

After he had finally realized that it was Hokuto who he actually wanted. How ironic. Karma was a fucking bitch. And it punished Taiga in the worst of ways. A punishment he deserved wholly and completely.

And he agreed with Hokuto. The lights flashed outside, technicolor in reality, but monochrome in his vision. The world was so silent it was deafening.

He agreed. After everything he had done to Hokuto and Haruhi, Taiga agreed.

He didn’t want himself anymore, either.

* * *

_ For never was a story of more woe  
_ _ Than this of Juliet and her Romeo _

* * *

It was an effort to even open the front door. With trembling fingers still, trembling from crying and pain, Taiga clicked on the code to his apartment and inserted the key in the double lock, trying to hurry and get himself inside. Tried to hide himself from a world too harsh and too cruel.

He had wanted to stay quiet, not knowing yet how to process what had just happened, not knowing how to talk about it yet. Not even sure if he  _ wanted  _ to actually talk about it. It was too much. It was too much heartache and he couldn’t take it.  _ No, more, please. No more. _ He begged the universe.

But that was how Hokuto sounded, too. That was what Hokuto begged him, too. To stop hurting him. Stop breaking his heart.

Taiga couldn’t even make it past the hallway, resorting to sitting down, feeling like he had just crashed and burned. There wasn’t much energy left in his system, all hallowed out from the yelling, the screaming, the trip all the way back to his place. Exhausted from the heartbreaking and heart aching and hurtful words to each other and inflicting pain on each other and  _ fuck,  _ did it have to hurt this much? Did it really? 

Did it hurt like this for Hokuto when Taiga constantly chose himself over Hokuto’s own feelings? Was this how Hokuto felt the whole time Taiga refused to deal with the consequences of his own actions? Did it hurt this much when Hokuto was constantly kept a secret, despite knowing that Taiga wanted him more? Was this the reason why Hokuto had told him enough? That he didn’t want this anymore? That he didn’t want Taiga anymore?

Ironically, Taiga understood now, why Hokuto had told him enough. There was an inexplicable pain in his chest that he wanted to claw out. It was like his breath kept running out, remaining only the tiniest bit, just enough to keep him alive, just so he could feel exactly how much it hurt to be here. Taiga slumped down on the ground, legs giving up on him, not knowing what the fuck to  _ do  _ anymore. Because Hokuto had just— he had—

Hokuto wanted nothing to do with him, anymore. He said so himself. He wanted Taiga to disappear, leave him alone, be gone from his life. And Taiga understood it, he really did, because this pain? This hurt? Nothing compared to it. And Hokuto had to  _ deal  _ with it too, for so much and for so long and Taiga let him. He didn’t even notice. He didn’t even care. How could he? How could he do this to Hokuto?

He deserved to be where he was, now. It was only fucking fitting. He was to blame, after all. This was all his fault.

More tears left his eyes as he tried his best to keep quiet. He tried to silence his sobs with a hand over his mouth, sounds purely coming from his throat and his chest. They were still there, alerting him of how much pain he still felt. How much pain he still  _ needed  _ to feel, just so things could be fair. So things could be on even ground with the way he had hurt Hokuto and Haruhi and whatever he had with both of them. Both so very beautiful, and yet both he broke with an unforgiving hand, trapping both of their hearts in a vicious grip, selfishly not wanting to let either go.

He didn’t deserve either of them. Not in the slightest. They both deserved to be free. 

“Taiga?” Haruhi called out from the bedroom, and Taiga could hear the faint footsteps moving closer to him. “Taiga, are you home?”

Taiga took a deep breath, trying to speak. Fuck, he didn’t know how to deal with her yet. How to take any more heartbreak. He already got so much from Hokuto. And now here Haruhi was, probably, albeit unintentionally, going to give him more. “I…” he gulped, steadying his voice, lest it crack. “I’m home.”

“Welcome home,” Haruhi was chipper and bright as always, happy like the sun shone exactly for her. “Sweetie, I have to go out though, my friends asked if I was—”

She saw him, then, saw his current state. Haruhi stopped on her tracks and stared, dumbfounded by the image in front of her.

She saw the dried tear stains on Taiga’s cheeks and the red eyes and the trembling chin. She saw him looking at his shaking hands, almost like there was blood on them after he had just murdered. Taiga might as well have murdered, anyway. It felt like he did. Like he murdered Hokuto’s heart ruthlessly, murdered whatever it was that they had left. Like he murdered his own heart with a force. Like he murdered all chances he had of happiness with Haruhi. And he was the only person left to blame. The only one.

Haruhi stepped forward carefully, like approaching a ticking time bomb. “Taiga?” she whispered, voice soft but also alert. “Taiga, what’s wrong? What happened?”

Taiga didn’t even bother to get up, let alone look at her direction. He stayed where he was, head hanging, back against the wall, almost as if he had lost all the will and energy to do anything else in life. It felt like that, anyway.

He shook his head in response to Haruhi, not knowing what to answer exactly, in words. So Haruhi tried again.

“Did…” she picked her words carefully, “did something happen?”

Taiga wanted to answer so many things. Everything and nothing happened. Everything disappeared. Nothing was left. Hokuto didn’t want anything to do with him. And it was all his own fucking fault.

He let out a bitter laugh, the sound haunting even coming from him. Like the strings of a guitar being broken, one by one, wound too tight and not being able to take it anymore.

“Hey, Haruhi…” he started, his own voice sounding so foreign, “do you think I’m a mess?”

Haruhi tried to take a careful step towards Taiga, but it seemed like he wasn’t taking any visitors. So she maintained a safe distance, almost afraid of triggering a bomb or setting off a trap. “What do you mean?” she asked.

But what  _ did _ he mean when he asked that? Did he mean  _ he  _ was a mess, or just what he had done? Did he mean he made a mess with Hokuto or with Haruhi? Or both of them? Or with himself?

“I just…” but Taiga choked on his words, the letters and words suffocating him and strangling him.  _ This is your fault. You hurt them. You hurt them both. You were too selfish, too cruel, too self-obsessed and self-serving to even care about what you’ve done to them, to their hearts. This is your own fucking fault. _

What a mess. What a mess he was, what a mess he made, what a mess he caused both of them. Taiga knew redemption was impossible. There was no going back from this, too impossible to fix. He had caused too much damage. And he thought maybe he had done it because he was too damaged, himself.

“I think I don’t deserve you,” another lie. He didn’t think that because he  _ knew it  _ already. It wasn’t a question but a fact. He didn’t deserve Haruhi at all. “I don’t deserve anything, actually. Except heartbreak, probably.”

Haruhi wanted him to elaborate. Wanted him to explain because what he was saying didn’t make sense. Because Taiga deserved so many good things in the world. He deserved so much more than what he thought. What did he mean by this?

“Why?” Haruhi wanted to speak more sternly, but she tried to make her voice as calm and as soft as possible. “Why do you think that?”

But Taiga simply shook his head, not even bothering to look at her. The curiosity was eating at Haruhi slowly, wanting to know why Taiga thought this way, and thought that he deserved heartbreak when he deserved the exact opposite. Taiga deserved a love that knew no bounds. A love that was unmatched. A love that could only be explained by feelings, and never by simple words. Taiga deserved…

It was almost like a realization. The more Haruhi thought about it, the more it sunk in. And she was only proven right when Taiga suddenly stood up, still refusing to look at her, and hugged her. 

He hesitated at first, only leaning his forehead on her shoulder, tears welling up in his eyes. When he knew he couldn’t take it anymore, he lifted his arms and held her tight, almost too tight, like he was pouring everything into the embrace. Like an apology of sorts, for doing what he did, for being what he was, and for making an absolute wreck of not only himself, but also of Haruhi, whatever they had together, and whatever she was starting to have with Hokuto. He wanted to apologize for every single thing he did wrong.

She knew. She always did, but she understood better now. A flashback to their fight played in her head, remembering how Taiga didn’t come home that night. And, of course, there was only one place he could have gone. She should have guessed as much.

Especially because when he came back, he had a distant look in his eyes. Like a finality in them. Something that looked so much like an ending. But it went away when she held his hand, apologized, accepted his own apology, and kissed him. There was hesitation in it, at first, before Taiga gave in and kissed her back. When she looked into his eyes after, the distance was gone. But it wasn’t replaced with relief, like she thought it would. They were taken over by confusion and regret instead. At that time, she didn’t know what it meant. Now, she understood perfectly.

He was in love with Hokuto. And he’d been hiding it away. Hiding  _ them  _ away. Whatever it was that they did. Haruhi was sure now. She was sure it all happened. And it fucking hurt.

Haruhi tried to hug Taiga back, but she found herself hesitating, too. Her heart was shattered into tiny pieces, whole being aching from the realization. Each second that passed felt like forever to her, time slowed down, almost wanting her to see things in a different light. Each of Taiga’s smiles, he shared with someone else. Each of his laughs, he offered to another. Each beat of his heart, not entirely hers. Haruhi wasn’t even sure if she had a hold on him, to begin with. It seemed unlikely. 

Taiga had cheated.

All these months, he did. He cheated on her with someone who she was starting to grow love for, too. Starting to grow a friendship with. He cheated on her with who he had wanted since the beginning.

“I’m so sorry,” Taiga said, voice cracking from crying. “I’m so sorry, Haruhi. I fucked up.”

Haruhi didn’t know what to say, at first. So she just kept holding Taiga, making sure to hold him tight. She wanted to have this, at least. This small moment. This one thing before he said what she knew he was going to say. She could feel it in her bones.

“I…” Taiga tried to gather words. “Hokuto and I have been— we—” but he didn’t know how to phrase it right. He wasn’t good with them, already. Even more so now, that he had to hurt her like this. Break her heart even more. Especially when she’s given him nothing but happiness. Especially when she’s given him nothing but love.

But Haruhi waited. She wanted to beat him to it, but she knew he needed this. Needed to say the words out loud, himself. And maybe she needed it to. Needed it to actually come from it.

“It’s him, Haruhi,” Taiga said again, holding her tighter. “We’ve been seeing each other. In secret. There are too many secrets,” he choked on words, “and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t. Because you make me so fucking happy but he just— he— I can’t—”

Haruhi nodded, urging Taiga on. It took a lot of courage to finally tell the truth. And Taiga had been such a coward lately. He needed to stop being one.

“I can’t forget about him. I tried to. And you are so beautiful, but Hokuto he— he just—”

It was hard for him to say, Haruhi realized. And she guessed it was because he was probably still in denial about it. Maybe this one, she could say. A little push, to help. Because she wanted to. Because she needed to. For Taiga, for Hokuto, and for herself. They all needed the truth. And the truth was waiting on Taiga.

“You’re in love with him,” she whispered so quietly, the words broken, escaping her lips. But she knew Taiga heard them, no matter how silent they had been. He tensed at them, like he suddenly couldn’t breathe.

Then he pulled away from her abruptly, eyes wild like in a panic. They were bloodshot, red from all the tears, wide from shock. Like he had just been hit by lightning, and she hit the jackpot. Right at his heart.

“No…” he still denied, “no, no, I— that’s not it, I'm not, I— what are you saying? I don’t— how could I even—”

From the look on his face, Haruhi knew that Taiga didn’t want to accept his feelings yet, horrified by that possibility. She knew it wasn’t because he didn’t want to love Hokuto, but because he didn’t know what to do if he actually did. And he  _ did  _ love him. He loved him more than her, and more than anything else. Haruhi could tell that much.

But he was so scared. He was terrified of it.

“You are,” Haruhi repeated. “Look, Taiga, I know it’s scary and feelings are scary but—”

“No!” he moved further away, hands shaking and lip trembling, more tears falling. “No, I can’t be— I can’t! Because that would mean… that I… I just…”

Haruhi was confused, now. He just what? What did he mean?

“You what, Taiga? What is it?” she stepped closer to him, catching him when he looked like he was going to crash to the ground.

“I can’t, Haruhi, I can’t be in love with him. Please,  _ please,  _ I can’t be,”

“Why?” because what was so wrong about loving Hokuto? Hokuto, who had been so amazing, the more he showed his layers. Like all the phases of the moon combined, as beautiful as midnight. Hokuto could find the darkness in things and find light in them. Or he is the light, himself. He was otherworldly. “Why can’t you be in love with him? What’s wrong with that?”

“Everything!”

“Why??”

“Because I just can’t!!”

“Taiga, I don’t  _ understand, _ ”

“Because I just lost him!!!” Taiga yelled, not at Haruhi, but at himself. It finally sunk in, now. That he  _ was  _ in love with Hokuto. He kept denying it and burying but he couldn’t stop it anymore. It was more than just an attachment to him. It was more than just his kisses and his smiles. It was more than just giving Hokuto his heart.

Taiga was  _ in love  _ with him. And he wanted to give Hokuto his forever, and a day. Always.

But he just lost him, not even that long ago. Mere hours earlier, he had lost everything. He had lost all of the reasons why he wanted to be. He had lost Matsumura Hokuto.

He wasn’t even aware of what was happening anymore. One minute, he held himself up, tried to keep himself together. The next minute, he and Haruhi were sitting on the floor, a pile of heartbreak, Taiga crying onto Haruhi’s shoulder like a fucking idiot.

“I-I lost him, Haruhi. He—” Taiga couldn’t talk properly, hurting too much. Everything hurt too fucking much.

“He told me to go, told me to leave, told me to forget about him and I— I couldn’t do anything— I begged him, I begged to stay, to fix things, I was going to fix things, but he wouldn’t listen to me, Haruhi, he just wouldn’t and I just—” Taiga cried out loud, sobs getting louder, pain getting stronger. “He said I didn’t want him enough and I  _ didn’t,  _ it was never enough and he deserved so much, I was such a stupid idiot, and now he’s gone and I can’t—”

Haruhi didn’t know what to do. She was hurting, too. But she knew how much this whole thing hurt Hokuto. And how much it hurt Taiga. And how much all three of them hurt each other, in more ways than one.

“Taiga,” she took a deep breath. She was still so heartbroken, after all. And while he was hurting right now, he did hurt him too. She wasn’t blaming him, but it still happened. It was still painful. “Taiga, I think…”

Taiga looked at her with panic too, like he was going crazy.

“Don’t leave me, please,  _ please  _ Haruhi. You can’t leave, I can’t do it, I can’t lose you too,” he begged, desperation in his voice painful to hear. “Please, I already lost him. I lost him, Haruhi, I can’t lose you too, not you too. I— I can’t— no more,  _ please. _ ”

Taiga clung to Haruhi like she was oxygen and he was hurriedly drowning. In his own lies and in his own doings, drowning from all he had done and all he had failed to do.

So Haruhi held him tighter, even if her own heart was breaking. Even if the hurt she was feeling was incomparable to any other pain she had ever felt. She loved Taiga. She loved him so much that it blinded her from the littlest things. It was only now that she recalled them. The way Taiga would smile differently when Hokuto was the reason, the way his eyes would light up when Hokuto was in his view, the way his hands seemed to be restless when Hokuto was near him, like they were itching to touch Hokuto’s skin. The signs had always been there. Haruhi just didn’t look hard enough.

“Taiga…” she took a deep breath, ready to tell him the hard truth. “I think,” she paused for a while, gulped, then spoke again, “I think you already lost me the moment you chose not to tell me the truth.”

_ The moment you decided to cheat on me with who your heart really wanted. _

Because that was the reality Haruhi was in. It hurt that Taiga had cheated, of course. But it was harder because it was with  _ Hokuto.  _ Hokuto whom she had grown to adore and like and whom she found so interesting. Hokuto who knew how to make her smile, too. Hokuto who made her feel welcome and accepted, who she had late night conversations with that resulted in laughter, who she had related to in the most specific things, who she knew was also caught in their very complicated and vicious web of lies. 

Hokuto, who Taiga had belonged to since the start.

Taiga sobbed harder, repeatedly apologizing to Haruhi with a broken voice that sounded like a needle destroying a vinyl record. He kept saying sorry, saying that he knew that was never going to be enough, that he didn’t deserve her.

But he still had her, Haruhi realized. He might have lost her heart when he chose to lie, but he still had her care, now that he had finally chosen to tell the truth.

She still deeply cared about him, after all. Even after what he had done. Her heart was hurting, but it also felt sorry for Taiga. Felt sorry for him having to hide what he actually wanted, for having to stop himself from going for the person that he really felt more for. He might have felt like he was a criminal, harming both her and Hokuto. But to Haruhi, he was a victim too. A victim of his own actions.

Haruhi would be lying if she said she didn’t wish it was her. Because she did, she wished for it, she wanted it so bad, she wanted to be who he actually wanted, who his heart actually claimed. But she also knew that he had never given his heart away to anyone else besides Hokuto. That Taiga chose to tell the world about her, but he chose to give his heart to  _ him.  _

Matsumura Hokuto, beautiful and broken, who caught her heart too.

Haruhi cared for Hokuto so much, too much, and in the best ways. Because love didn’t always have to be romantic. And she loved Hokuto more than she expected. Haruhi would have done anything to keep their growing friendship. And that included accepting the cold, hard truth.

“I…” maybe she needed to be the grown-up, in this situation. Because Taiga looked too much like a lost child, unaware of exactly how cruel the world could become, when one did reckless things.

“I’m not sure if I forgive you, yet,” she started, because it was the truth. She still hurt, of course. It wasn’t going to go away that easily. Taiga looked like he was torn even further apart.

“But I think I do understand where you’re coming from,” Haruhi reassured him, because that was the truth, too. The other half of it, at least. “You did both me and Hokuto wrong, and I know you’re well aware of that,” Haruhi never really was one to pull on her punches. “But I also know how… afraid you are. Of what you’re feeling. Of what  _ he’s  _ capable of making you feel,” that hurt her heart so bad, but she had to say it. She had to say all of it.

“And I want to scream right now, Taiga, I really want to—”

“You can. You have every right to. You have every single right to be angry at me because I hurt you and us and destroyed everything and—”

“But I’m not going to do that,”

“Why not?? I deserve it, Haruhi, I deserve all of your anger towards me,”

He did. She knew that he did. But he didn’t deserve to have anything more from her, right now. Maybe soon. Maybe after. But right now, he didn’t deserve anything she could offer him. And she wasn’t even offering.

“Because you still have to tell him the truth. Because it doesn’t end here, with this. With you telling me. You still have to do what you have to do,”

And that was going to hurt Taiga more. The fact that he had to face Hokuto once again. The fact that he had to face his  _ own  _ feelings towards Hokuto. Haruhi knew that was what scared him the most. And that was punishment enough.

She knew that if he did, if he finally told him, and things went good, she would experience an even greater pain. But this wasn’t even about Taiga anymore. If he did get what he wanted, then she would be okay with that. But what she was more concerned about was Hokuto and his happiness. Hokuto deserved everything. Hokuto deserved more than he got.

And that was why she had to let Taiga go. For Hokuto. Because she wanted Hokuto to be happy.

Haruhi took a deep breath, looked at Taiga in the eyes, searching for doubt in them. For something to make her stay. Something to make her change her mind.

But she didn’t find anything. All she could see in his eyes was finality. Was how sure he was of  _ him  _ and not of her. And that was all she needed.

She pulled him in, leaving a soft but deep kiss on his lips. A last kiss.  _ Let me have this, at least. This one last thing. _ Taiga kissed her back, but it was different this time. It was a goodbye. 

Haruhi didn’t know why she didn’t manage to cry. Maybe her tears told her that they weren’t for Taiga. That they were for something else. Someone else. Someone Taiga hurt, too.

She pulled away from the kiss and pulled Taiga into a hug. Because she cared so much for him, still. But she was done with the hurt, much like Hokuto was. And maybe she should start loving herself, this time around. Maybe her heart needed a little break.

“I really did love you,” she whispered, Taiga’s breath hitching as a reaction. At least she knew she could still affect Taiga, in some sort of way. “I really did.”

She still did. She still will.

Then she let go of him. All of him.

Haruhi smiled at Taiga sadly. At the boy she once thought she could capture, only to find out he had already been caught. And by someone who captured her heart, too. How ironic.

She knew what to do next, now. She was sure of it.

Haruhi walked away after Taiga apologized again, showing herself the way out. Then she kept walking, chin up, head held high. The hurt was too much to bear, but it was nothing she couldn’t take. She was stronger than this, and she knew it. There was no chance she was going to let him do this to her, anymore.

Not today.

She was not going to break today.

* * *

_ Alas, that love, so gentle in his view,  
_ _ Should be so tyrannous and rough in proof _

* * *

The doorbell to his apartment echoed through the thick air, a vibration unwelcome and unwanted passing through. Hokuto had been passed out for about...10? 11 hours now? Truthfully, he hadn’t been able to keep track. All he knew was that he called in sick despite being the exact opposite of that. Despite being in his healthiest state.

That’s what the rest of his body felt like, at least. His heart though, felt like it was in its worst state. Like it was fighting for a lifeline that he only knew of, now.

The doorbell ringing meant that people wanted to bug him again, wanted to make him get up from bed and function. But he was feeling like shit and wanting anything  _ but _ that. If it were up to him, he wanted to sink into his sheets and disappear into nothingness forever, gone before anyone could find out where he was.

Besides, the rest knew when to avoid him completely. They knew when he wanted to spend time alone. They all knew when he wanted them to leave him the fuck alone.

Except.

Except Taiga. Taiga never respected that. Taiga always arrived unexpectedly, marching his way into Hokuto’s apartment, Hokuto’s room and Hokuto’s heart. He never came with warning signs. But he still left a nightmare in his wake.

Hokuto let the doorbell ring again, not bothering to answer or care who the fuck was on the other side. Even though he completely knew who it was. Only Taiga would be insistent enough like this. And Taiga, he couldn’t handle right now. Taiga, he couldn’t handle forever. Ever again.

But the doorbell, the one ringing it at least, was persistent, ringing and ringing and ringing like an alarm telling Hokuto that the outside world existed. That other people on the planet existed along with him. That Taiga existed and was insistent on talking to him,  _ again,  _ despite how shitty their last talk went. Despite how final it had felt.

For Hokuto, it actually was final.

He had enough of the hurt and pain. He wanted things between them to just...stop. Stop being  _ there,  _ stop being what it was. He wanted it to be gone. The ringing of the doorbell told him that Taiga wanted the complete opposite of that.

“Fucking—” Hokuto cursed and groaned, frustrated because couldn’t Taiga take a fucking hint? He wanted no more of this, no part of this charade they were doing. This stupid fucking charade that was obviously  _ not  _ doing them both any good. This charade that was only meant to hurt them and break their hearts and make things worse.

He needed to end this completely.

Hokuto didn’t bother checking the peephole to the door. He knew who the fuck was on the other side anyway. With an acid to his voice and a glare in his eyes, he opened the door wide, fury bubbling in his veins.

“What the fuck do you fucking want this time?” he said with so much anger and hurt that he couldn’t even recognize his own voice.

But he was left disappointed. Instead he widened his eyes, immediately changed his expression and stance, surprised that it wasn’t Taiga on the other side of the door.

He stared into soft eyes and at a calm expression, a small smile sent to his direction like a warm kiss of summer.

“I just wanted to talk. If it’s alright?”

Haruhi said the words so sweetly and so carefully, and Hokuto immediately regretted greeting her the way that he did. Instantly, he slumped his shoulders, letting go of the breath he didn’t even realize he was holding, relief washing over his features. His eyes softened and nerves calmed from tensing, sighing out loud.

“Oh, I’m so sorry— I didn’t know— I didn’t check who was outside— I just— I thought it was—”

_ Taiga.  _ Hokuto noticed that the both of them tensed even with just the mere implication of that name. Fuck, Taiga really did mess with both of them. He messed them up in all the worse ways.

“I know, Hokuto,” Haruhi said, Hokuto not being able to determine what her tone meant. “I know about it. About you. About both of you.”

Hokuto felt like he was punched in the chest. “I— I’m—”

But Haruhi simply smiled at him, still looking so sincere and true. “Is it okay if I come in?”

Hokuto couldn’t find his voice, so he only nodded, heart thumping in his chest. He didn’t know if this was better or it was worse. Better because it wasn’t Taiga on the other side of the door, and he still couldn’t handle seeing him again. Or worse because it was Haruhi instead, telling him that she knew. That she knew all about what had happened.

And now she seemed like she wanted to talk about it. Hokuto didn’t know what the fuck to do.

He offered Haruhi freshly brewed coffee—because it was the only thing he could drink these days besides alcohol—to which she gladly accepted, asking for creamer and sugar to go with it. Hokuto fumbled around while handing Haruhi her cup, nervous and on edge.

“I don’t bite, Hokuto, don’t worry,” she said with a chuckle. It actually made Hokuto feel a little bit better, if he was going to be honest.

“Right, uhm, yea,” he poured some coffee of his own, noticing that what he used, the only mug left, was Taiga’s. He inwardly cursed at himself for not noticing earlier, but it would’ve been more awkward for him to not just go with it. 

He dared not take a sip, though. He refused to touch his lips at anything that Taiga’s lips had touched, too. Too many memories would haunt him.

Haruhi smiled at him then, from behind her own coffee cup, the mug in her hands, Hokuto's. 

“I saw Taiga the other day,” she said, and a looming sense of doom floated around the air.

Hokuto gulped. “Oh?” he did  _ not  _ want to hear that name so soon, again. Especially not coming from Haruhi.

“He was crying,”

Fuck.

Hokuto knew that Taiga was crying. Hell, he was already close to crying when Hokuto asked him to get the hell out of his apartment. But he hadn’t realized that Taiga had cried all the way home.

He remained silent, letting Haruhi continue.

“It was the first time I saw him like that. I didn’t know someone so glorious could look so...broken. And defeated. He looked like he was ripped apart,” 

Hokuto’s breath hitched. He didn’t know it had been that bad. He just thought Taiga didn’t care for him as much as he did for Taiga.

“At first I was surprised and confused. But the second he came to hug me, I knew why. I knew what had happened,” Haruhi took a deep breath, looking at Hokuto intently. “Then he told me what happened. Told me that…” she stopped momentarily, gathering herself, “told me that you guys ended. That you told him to leave, told him you had enough. That you told him you didn’t want to do ‘this’ anymore. And I immediately knew what he was talking about.”

Hokuto just nodded, for fear of saying the wrong thing.

“But even then…” Haruhi stared into her cup, coffee still too hot that smoke was rising off of it.

Then she looked at Hokuto, surprisingly with a calm and endearing expression instead of an angry one. But Hokuto could see the hurt there, too. 

“I already knew, anyway. Even before he told me. I always had…some sort of idea. An inkling of it. I knew the feelings were there. I just didn’t know it was as serious as it was. I just didn’t know you guys were—”

Hokuto didn’t want her to say it. Because he knew exactly what she was going to say. _ ‘I just didn’t know you guys were fucking behind my back.’ _ It rang through Hokuto’s ears, words like shattered glass pieces piercing him with so much vigor. Hokuto didn’t allow Haruhi to say it, at all.

So he spoke up.

“How did you know?” he averted his gaze, embarrassed. Not because he was caught but because he did such a hurtful thing to someone as great as Haruhi.

Haruhi who was slowly becoming a constant in his life too. Haruhi who made him believe that there would always be better days just from seeing her smile. Haruhi who had slowly crept her way to his heart, building a tent there filled with love and friendship and care. Hokuto hated that he had intentionally hurt her, this amazing girl who deserved so much better, for following his stupid heart.

“He looked at you different,”

Hokuto refused to look at her, then, knowing what was to come next. 

“He looked at you the way I’ve always wanted him to look at me,”

Hokuto couldn’t stop his tears. He had no right, no fucking right to hurt Haruhi like this. How dare he make this girl hurt? Just because he selfishly went for his own wants and his own needs and his own feelings. It was unfair. Everything was unfair. Haruhi deserved to be happy. She deserved to be loved.

“I’m so sorry,” he choked on his words, wiping at falling tears that he couldn’t prevent, anymore. “I… I know an apology can never be enough. But it’s just...”

“I’m not angry, Hokuto,” she reassured him, but it didn’t matter. He still felt like such a villain.

“You  _ should  _ be,” he cried harder, frustrated at himself, hating himself even more now.  _ How could I be so fucking selfish? _

“I do admit that it hurt. It really, really hurt. And I was heartbroken for a while. I might still be. But I’m not angry. I’m not angry at myself, I’m not angry at Taiga and I’m especially not angry at you,”

Hokuto looked at her with disbelief, desperation in his eyes. “Why not??” he stood up, surprising both of them. Haruhi slowly stood up too, walking towards him so carefully that Hokuto didn’t notice. “You should be angry! You should be angry at  _ me  _ especially! I took him away, I kept him as my secret, I snuck around with him while you two were together, I could’ve stopped this, I could’ve prevented it from happening, but I  _ didn’t  _ and now you’re hurt and—!”

Haruhi put a hand on his cheek, then, wiping away his tears. She had a sorry look on her face, definitely far from the anger he expected from her. She just looked…so sad. So sad for him and his current state. She smiled sadly, too, and Hokuto couldn’t believe this was happening. “Oh, you beautiful boy. I’m so sorry this happened to you,” she said with a whisper, voice haunting.

Hokuto couldn’t help but cry even more, Haruhi shushing him and pulling him towards her. She was petite and short, but at that time, Hokuto felt so much smaller than her. Like she was ages older and he was but a child broken, crying to his older sister because his knees got scraped on the playground from playing too hard. Playing with his heart too much.

“Hey, it’s okay,” she whispered again, smoothing down his hair as he cried. “It’s going to be okay.”

Hokuto sobbed and sobbed, choking on his tears and looking like an absolute fucking mess. “I-I’m so sorry— I didn’t want to hurt you— Haruhi, I’m so sorry—” he cried again, because there was nothing else left with him. Nothing but pain.

“You know…” she smiled, hugging him tighter. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he had to lean down for her to reach him. Still, it felt so natural for him. Like it wasn’t the first time he had done this. “If we met under any other circumstances, we could’ve been such good friends.” Hokuto cried some more, knowing he didn’t deserve any of her care.

“No, no, you’re way too good to be my friend and I— I’m just— I’m a mess, I’m such a mess—”

Hokuto had his fists balled tight against his sides, so Haruhi unwrapped one of her arms and touched his hand, smoothing it open. “You don’t have to punish yourself anymore, Hokuto. It’s not your fault.”

How could she not see any fault in him? How could she not see the absolute worst in him? Not after what he had done?

“But I could’ve stopped it and I didn’t and it would’ve, it  _ should’ve  _ fixed things and—”

“You didn’t know what to do. And no amount of could have beens would’ve fixed something as...broken as this. As broken as all three of us,”

Hokuto cried again, realizing just how much he had fucked up. “I’m so sorry, Haruhi, I’m so fucking sorry,” he cried and cried and finally,  _ finally,  _ hugged her back, clinging to her like she was his lifeline. She released a breath of relief, then, happy that he finally found it in himself to hug back. She just wanted Hokuto to be okay.

He wasn’t to blame for all of this. None of them were. All of them might have had their faults, but they were all still victims of an unfortunate circumstance. Even Taiga.

Haruhi nodded, telling him that she accepted his apology. “I’m sorry, too,” she held on tighter. “I know I hurt you too. We all hurt each other.”

Haruhi pulled away, looking at Hokuto in the eyes, his face in her hands. He hadn’t noticed that she had been crying, too. “I know you love him. And if you wanna…” she took a deep breath, “if you wanna be with him, part of the reason I went here is to tell you that it’s okay.”

“No,” Hokuto shook his head vigorously, “no, I can’t—”

“You  _ can,  _ if you want to. You will, if you want to. It’s okay, Hokuto. You have a right to be happy, too, you know? It’s not a crime,”

Hokuto didn’t even know what to say anymore. So he stayed quiet and looked at Haruhi, to see if there were any lies in her eyes. But he saw none. All he saw was concern and care for him. She was  _ crying  _ for him, not because of him. That meant so much.

“How are you fine with this? Fine with  _ me?  _ I…but I hurt you,”

“I know you didn’t want to. Not intentionally, at least,”

Hokuto shook his head, and Haruhi smiled at him again. Then she wiped at her tears with a careful hand, chuckling. “God, I can’t believe I cried. I didn’t even cry for Taiga when he cried to me.”

That meant so much to Hokuto, too.

“Look, Hokuto…” she caressed his cheek. “I care about you. And I know you want this. You want  _ him.  _ And I know you don’t want to hurt me. So I’m here to tell you that it’s okay. I may hurt now but I’ll be fine, eventually. Everything heals. I’ll heal too. But  _ you  _ won’t if you keep yourself stuck in a place that you don’t like and don’t go after what you want.”

“I… I don’t know what I want,”

“I think you do, sweetie,” she smiled at him so sincerely it made his heart burst. “I just think you’re scared. You both are.”

And Haruhi was right, as she always was. Of course she was.

“I’m sorry. I don’t think a million apologies will ever be enough,” Hokuto knew it was the truth

Haruhi just shook her head. “But  _ you’ll _ always be enough. More than enough.”

Then she took a deep breath, noticing the time. “Hey, I have to go,” Hokuto wanted her to stay because Haruhi gave him such a light feeling. Like being with her made things seem brighter than they actually were. “But promise me you’ll let yourself be happy? You’re allowed to, Hokuto. You deserve it,” she smiled again, wiping at the tears left on his cheek. Then she stepped forward and tip-toed, kissing him on his tear-stained cheeks, platonically but sweetly.

“You’ll be okay,” she whispered. “I know you will.”

Hokuto bit his lip to stop himself from sobbing, again. Then he nodded, sending Haruhi a smile back. He led her towards the door, holding her hand like a lost child the whole way. 

She gave his hand a gentle squeeze before hugging him again, then stepped out and waved goodbye.

Hokuto called out to her before she got too far. “Haruhi I—”

“Hmm?” she said, turning around.

“I…” Hokuto hesitated. But he wanted to say this. He really wanted to. “Being friends...I think it would be nice. If you still want to be, I mean. I know it’ll take time because it still hurts for you but…”

But Haruhi smiled again, already ready to answer. “I’d like that.”

Hokuto’s heart soared. He had lost so much, the past few days. It was nice to finally gain something, this time.

Even in the most unexpected way.

* * *

_ Give me my Romeo;   
_ _ And, when he shall die,  
_ _ Take him and cut him out in little stars,  
_ _ And he will make the face of heaven so fine  
_ _ That all the world will be in love with night  
_ _ And pay no worship to the garish sun _

* * *

He was out of tomatoes.

It was nothing much of a big deal, really, because Hokuto rarely ate tomatoes anyway. Rarely cooked dishes with tomatoes in it, just the occassional Italian pasta now and then, curry gratin if he was craving it, an additional to salad if he felt like bullshitting himself into being healthier than he already was, sometimes cherry tomatoes in bentos he would convince himself to make and bring to rehearsals or filming or photo shoots. Hokuto wasn’t that much of a tomato fan. It was just… always present in his kitchen, for some sort of reason. Big ones or small ones, juicy and red, looking a little tempting. He actually considered growing a tomato plant, one day, just randomly. Because he saw a few videos on Youtube and read about them in books and okay, maybe growing a tomato plant wasn’t  _ that  _ hard to do. He seemed like he could do it.

But right now, he was out of them, and that bothered him somehow. A lot of things bothered Hokuto, and a lot more things he couldn’t give that much of a fuck about. But apparently not having tomatoes in his kitchen and in his fridge was something that  _ really  _ bothered him. He didn’t know why, he didn’t know whatever the fuck the reason was. But it just did. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have had an inner turmoil in his mind, almost like a whole fucking monologue, about why he should go out at that late hour, go to the nearest 24-hour supermarket, buy himself some stupid tomatoes, and not let himself be bothered by their loss anymore.

Stupid tomatoes. Stupid kitchen for not having them. Stupid supermarket for being so near to his place, allowing him to buy stupid tomatoes at this hour. Stupid him for being bothered by the fact that he had no fucking tomatoes. Stupid tomatoes. 

Hokuto huffed out loud in irritation at himself, because tomatoes weren’t even  _ that  _ delicious anyway. It wasn’t his favorite thing to eat. And why the fuck was it a goddamn fruit when it functioned like a vegetable? Hokuto will never understand that.

So he put on his best outfit, because who cared if it was late and it was just a trip to the supermarket? He was still going to go out in his best fashion. Mostly because he did it out of spite.

Fucking damn it. It was just tomatoes. Fucking tomatoes. He was being a little —a  _ lot _ —ridiculous.

But still. He put a mask on and grabbed his umbrella, silently unlocking his front door, ready to go out of his apartment, and just get the shit over with. Hokuto was about to stomp outside — still incredibly annoyed at himself —when he suddenly stopped on his tracks, a person blocking his way out.

Blond hair. Lips in a thin line of uncertainty. Eyes that looked more broken than ever. Expression of hurt so readable it was uncanny.

Taiga had his fist up in the air, looking like he was about to knock on Hokuto’s door, had Hokuto not opened the door first. Taiga blinked in confusion for a couple seconds, before it sunk in who he was staring at, and he opened his mouth to speak but closed it again soon after, like he was still formulating the words to say.

Hokuto’s heart stopped. Or it didn’t, but it felt so much like it did. He had forgotten the reason why he was about to go out. The reason why he felt empty, eating lunch and dinner alone. The reason why he wanted to get some stupid fruit that he didn’t even like that much. The reason why his whole day felt like it was such a drag. Hokuto had forgotten the reason why he woke up that morning.

Because  _ he _ was here. He was in front of him. And he looked like he had something to say.

“Oh,”

The first word he had heard from Taiga in so many days.

Taiga had been busy with stage play rehearsals and meetings, Hokuto had been busy with filming and shoots, and group shootings were scheduled for next week. So they hadn’t been seeing each other, missing each other at the other group schedules where all six of them didn’t have to be there. Hokuto being late because of filming, Taiga leaving early because of rehearsals. Sometimes the other way around.

One would say they were doing it on purpose, avoiding each other, especially because of what had just happened. But fate was just being a little bit kind, letting the both of them breathe for a while. Letting the both of them think first before feeling. They hadn’t been doing much of that, lately. Maybe it was the universe’s way of saying that they needed some time apart.

Taiga gulped, the sound almost deafening, despite not being too loud. Hokuto’s ears were still ringing from Taiga’s voice. Like they had missed their favorite sound.

“Hi,” Taiga said shyly, voice small and hesitant, wary.

Hokuto took a deep breath. Was he supposed to greet back? Was he supposed to talk too? What was he supposed to say?

“Hey,” he greeted back, surprised at his own response. That was the first word he had said to Taiga in a long while, too. And it was the only thing he could think of saying, at that moment.

Taiga cleared his throat. “Were you, uhm,” he flustered, “were you going out? I mean. It’s okay. I can, uh, I’ll go another day. If now is not a good time, that is. It’s fine.”

He was supposed to go out, actually. But he’d forgotten all about that. Not now. Not when Taiga was in front of him, looking like what he looked like. “No, no, uhm,” Hokuto stuttered, fumbling with the door knob in his hand before finally opening the door wide and stepping out of the way, a gesture for Taiga to go in.

Taiga had a surprised expression on his face, looking at Hokuto while he blinked in confusion. He didn’t really expect to be let in the place, especially not after what happened last time. When he planned to come to Hokuto’s place, he thought he could just talk to him from the outside. But now he was being let in. Hokuto wasn’t looking at him anymore, though. But at least he let him in.

“Uhm, thank you,” he said quietly before stepping forward and into Hokuto’s apartment. The familiar scent of the place made his heart stop for a moment, but he tried to even his breathing, not wanting to be swayed.

Not even when he saw every corner of Hokuto’s apartment, remembering everything that happened there. Not even when he noticed that the place hadn’t changed much from the last time he was there. Not even when he imagined the both of them kissing each other, dancing together, sleeping together and sleeping beside each other, laughing together, cooking and cleaning together, yelling at each other.

No. Taiga needed to focus. He was determined to do what he came here to do.

Hokuto, on the other hand, couldn’t even believe Taiga was in his space again. The last time he was here, they had torn each other apart with harsh words and fucked up feelings. And he had asked Taiga to go, to leave, to not come back. 

He remembered crying a storm when Taiga had gone, wanting to punch himself for being stupid, wanting to ask his heart how it was surviving any of it. Hokuto forgot how to breathe, for a while, forcing air back into his lungs when they felt like they were going to give out. Like someone had ripped his heart from his chest with claws that dig deep, and left him, a pile of sorrow, a heap of heartbreak. He remembered feeling so alone.

But now Taiga was back at his place. And he had let him in. It felt like it was supposed to mean something, somehow.

Taiga kept carefully walking forward, stopping when he reached the living room, wanting to remove the ugly memory of them screaming at each other from his head. Maybe he could replace it with this one. Hopefully.

He turned around to look at Hokuto, the both of them a bit taken aback when they had looked at each other again. Hokuto maintained a safe distance, if only because he still didn’t know what to fucking do yet, now that Taiga was here. Again. And he had let him be here, without even thinking twice.

“I…” Taiga started, trying to find the right words. “Were you going somewhere? Sorry if I came unannounced. I would’ve told you but…”  _ but we’re not speaking to each other. _

“I hope it’s okay I’m here,”

“No, no, I wasn’t going out,” Hokuto raised a hand, a little bit of a reassurance, “I just…”  _ ran out of tomatoes and was supposed to get some and I think I understand now, why it bothers me so much that I don’t have any. _

“It was nothing. Really,”

Taiga nodded. “Right, of course.”

They paused and stared at each other for a short while, searching for something in each other’s eyes, still in disbelief that they were in each other’s presence again.

“Uhm,” but Hokuto had questions that ate him up. He was content with this, with the wonder passing through them. But he was also curious. And he needed answers.

“If I may ask, uhm. Why are… why’d you go here?”

He was talking so formally. Taiga felt like he was worlds away, again. Like when they fought all those years before, but for an entirely different reason.

“I… I just,” Taiga tried to find the right words to say.

But he knew why he was here. He knew it and he was given the opportunity now, so he was not going to waste it. He was determined to do this. He was determined to tell Hokuto this.

“I never really got to say my piece,” he said, trying to sound more confident than what he was feeling. “And I… wanted to now. If you would let me.”

Hokuto was conflicted, truthfully. What more did Taiga have to say? What more did he have to tell Hokuto? What more could he still do?

“Okay,” he said before he could even think about it. An impulse reaction, because he saw Taiga looking hopeful, and heard Taiga asking so determinedly, and maybe Hokuto wanted to hear it too. Needed to hear what more he had to say. “Okay,” he said again, just to reiterate.

Taiga was slightly surprised by Hokuto’s answer, but he quickly shook it off and tried to keep his head together. He knew where to start.

“I…” he took a deep breath again, “I wanted to say I’m sorry, first. Before anything else. I know apologies are never going to be enough for what I caused, but I still wanted to say it.”

It actually meant a lot to Hokuto that Taiga apologized. He didn’t expect he would. So he nodded as a way of acceptance, and kept listening.

“I hurt you and Haruhi badly. And I don’t want to be a jerk and point this out, but I also don’t want to lie anymore. Because she did hurt the both of us too, in a way. And you hurt both me and Haruhi too. We all hurt each other, of course. But I just… I know I caused the most of it. To both of you. And I wanted to say sorry for that, again,”

“You hurt yourself too,” Hokuto was saying before he could even stop himself.

“What?” Taiga furrowed his eyebrows.

“I think you hurt yourself the most, actually,” Hokuto responded because he was starting to realize it.

Taiga hurt Haruhi badly, and he hurt Hokuto in the worst way, but he hurt himself the most of all. He broke his own heart with what he did. And it seemed like he himself hadn’t realized that, yet.

“Right,” Taiga looked away for a while, like it was just now clicking. “But that's not what I’m here for,” he could self-loathe some other time. He was here for more important things.

“I’m here because… I want to tell you that I fucked up and I did so much shit wrong and I was incredibly stupid for all of it but…”

The truth needed to be said. It needed to be, this time.

“But I was just so scared. Because you scare me, Hokuto. I’m so scared of what you make me feel, and how much of a hold you have on me, and I didn’t know what to do. It was driving me crazy, knowing how you would willingly give yourself to me, and I just felt like I couldn’t give the same amount back,”

“But… but I never asked for it back,”

“I know,” Taiga paused. “I know you didn’t. But you deserved it, still. And that was even more of a reason, too. And I had all these dangerous thoughts of not being enough. Of never being able to give you what you deserve. And I reacted badly and projected and it was fucked up and a shitty thing to do.”

But Hokuto always felt like Taiga was enough. More than enough, even.

“And we weren’t ready. I wasn’t and you weren’t. It seemed like you were, but you weren’t, too. And I definitely wasn’t. I needed to grow up,”

Hokuto realized it too, now that Taiga had said it. They weren’t ready. Taiga was too indecisive and he was too selfless. To the point of self loathing, sometimes. They both needed to give themselves a little break. And they definitely needed to grow.

“But I… I think,” Taiga said, “I think I’m ready now.”

He had to say this. Taiga had to.

“I know now. And I’m sure, now,”

Hokuto was terrified of what he was going to say next, feeling like his heart was galloping way too fast in his chest, threatening to be let out.

“That I want you, I want this, I want us. And I’m ready,”

Hokuto’s breath hitched, feeling his heart burst.

“And I choose you, Hokuto.  _ Only  _ you. I always have, I was just… too scared. Of what this could mean, of what it could do, of what it was capable of but…” Taiga held his head high, sure of everything.

“I’m not scared now. Because you’re here and I’m here and we could be something together. If you let me. If it’s still not too late. If you would want it. Because I do, Hokuto, I want you,”

Hokuto kept himself together, tried to check if he could still process everything. If he could still breathe. If he could still hear his heart beating.

“Because I love you,”

He… did Taiga just… did he say…

“I’m in love with you, Hokuto. And I’m not afraid to say it, anymore,”

Everything ceased to exist.

The only thing Hokuto knew, the only thing that mattered, were those words. Those fragile but incredibly strong words that he said to Taiga all those nights ago because they were true and he felt them.

And now it came from Taiga. Now he said them. With his own voice, from his own feelings, Hokuto was caught. He was so caught because he thought things were hopeless. Hopeless and destroyed.

Because that was it. They suffocated their love. And nobody dared to resuscitate each other. Hokuto wanted to, but he was too hurt. And Taiga wanted to, but he was too hesitant. And they were both so terrified of the possibility. Not anymore. Not now.

“You…” was all he could say back because he still couldn’t believe it. Hokuto was scared now, but for an entirely different reason.

Because Taiga loving him back meant he had him. And him having Taiga meant that he could lose him, too. And Hokuto didn’t want that. How terrifying it was to finally have something worth losing.

“I can’t,” Hokuto said suddenly, the possibility of having Taiga only to end up losing him again clouding his thoughts. “We can’t.”

Taiga looked shocked. Like he was stabbed in the chest and left out to bleed.

“W-what?” his voice shook, Hokuto’s words making their way to his mind. What did Hokuto mean? Why couldn’t they? “But… why?”

“We’re a mess, Taiga,” Hokuto said, trying to convince himself more than he was convincing Taiga. “We fuck each other up. We can’t do this.”

Taiga nodded, because he knew that. And it was the truth. They did fuck each other up. They hurt each other and find fault in one another and disagree. They did that even way before they found out they were in love with each other.

But they were also beautiful together. They completed each other, connected together, found solace in one another. They were a perfect match, and maybe they had burned once, but maybe they had a chance to be reignited, too.

“We do. We’re scared of what we make each other feel, I know that. And we fuck each other up, god Hokuto, we always have. Even before all of this. Even before everything that happened,” Taiga took a deep breath.

“But we could be something better. We could be. And you saw that, and you tried showing me that, but I was too stubborn and scared to see it clearly. But I see it now. And I see  _ you.  _ And I know what I feel,”

Hokuto shook his head, tears welling up in his eyes. Because why,  _ why  _ was Taiga doing this? Was he going to keep his word, this time? Was he really going to?

“We’re going to destroy each other,” because Hokuto was an earthquake, and Taiga was a hurricane, and they were going to devastate each other. They were.

“And we’re going to rebuild each other, too,” because Taiga believed they could, if they really wanted to. If the both of them were willing.

“But you can’t do this — you just— you can’t— you can’t say that. Because I—” because why now, after everything?

“Because I wanted to hear it from you. I wanted to hear it so bad, I wanted you to say it back, but you didn’t. And I waited. And you still didn’t say it. And— and this is  _ so unfair.  _ You can’t just suddenly say it like this and think everything is going to be okay,”

Hokuto was crying so much. Because how,  _ how  _ could Taiga even tell him this? Tell him he loved him? After everything? After hesitating? After causing what he caused when he was too scared to say it before? It was unfair.

“We can’t. And you can’t do this, Taiga,”

Hokuto had called him by his first name. That meant so fucking much and Taiga held onto that. He had missed Hokuto saying it. He had missed hearing Hokuto’s voice make his name sound like it was an entirely different word. The most beautiful one.

“But I love you, Hokuto,” he said the words again, tattooing it onto Hokuto’s memory. He was so willing to say the words now, Hokuto almost felt like he was stuck in a dream. Because Taiga said them again. He repeated them like they were the only words that actually ever mattered.

“I love you. I’m in love with you. And I know that now, I always have, but I accept it. And I hope you do, too. Because I want you, and I want this, and I want  _ us, _ ” Taiga stopped to let his heart beat once, then spoke again.

“And I choose  _ you,  _ Hokuto. I always will. Because I love you,” and Hokuto was slowly getting used to those words coming from Taiga’s mouth.

Hokuto was silent, for a long time. Because he didn’t know what else there was to say. Not now, after Taiga had finished his piece. Not after what he heard. Not after those words. What else could one say to them, anyway? Other than those words, itself.

They were both crying. And it made Hokuto’s heart hurt, but for a different reason. Like something beautiful was here, it was present, and they were both reaching for it but couldn’t exactly reach it.

Taiga cried some more, before finally speaking again.

“But I…” he said, “I understand if you’re not ready. Or you don’t want this,  _ us, _ anymore. Or you don’t want… me anymore. I do understand that. And I still love you, I will, so, so much. But I…”

Because there was that possibility too. That he had done this too late. That Hokuto changed his mind, was already starting to move on, and was trying to forget about him. That could be true, too. That he didn’t love Taiga, anymore.

“I can’t force you into something you don’t want. That’s the least thing that I want to happen. In fact, I don’t want that to happen at all,”

Taiga looked so heartbroken. But he still gave Hokuto a light smile, and tried to cheer himself up. Hokuto was at a loss, still trying to process Taiga’s words.

When he was silent for too long, Taiga staring at him, the both of them looking at each other for a while, Taiga sighed. He smiled again, sadder this time, and nodded, looking at the ground. He took Hokuto’s silence as confirmation. And despite how much it hurt, he had to accept it.

“Right,” he said in a defeated voice. “I, uh, I guess I’ll have to go.”

Hokuto didn’t want Taiga to go.

“And I understand,” Taiga hid his eyes, Hokuto guessing maybe because he was crying, again.

Hokuto wanted to pull Taiga close to him.

But Taiga gulped and lifted his head, tears in his eyes threatening to fall, but he didn’t allow them to. Not in front of Hokuto. Not like this.

He smiled again. “Thank you, though. For listening to me. And for understanding, too. Especially about the truth,” Taiga bowed a little before tearing his eyes away, again, turning around.

He took a deep breath before taking a first step, and there was something about it that was wrong, for Hokuto. Something about it didn’t feel like it was what was supposed to happen.

It wasn’t what he wanted to happen. He didn’t want Taiga to leave. He wanted to pull him in, embrace him. Tell him that they were both fucked up people who were shit at handling their emotions, but were still meant to be together. Because they understood each other.

It was scary, but it was right. Being together was right. They could lose each other if they end up fucking up again. Tear each other apart when they were too unforgiving. Find fault in each other when they’ve had enough.

But they could be each other’s salvation, too. Find strength in one another, care for each other more than anyone ever will. Give each other what the other deserved and more: the whole world at their feet.

And they loved each other. They loved each other. They love each other.

“Wait,” Hokuto called out.

Taiga was one step away from exiting the apartment, stopping when he heard Hokuto’s voice. Then he visibly shook, despite Hokuto not saying anything else, yet.

Hope was a dangerous thing. But hope was all that he had.

“I…” Hokuto started.

He could do this. He could. He knew now. This was it.

“I don’t know what I could give you. And I… I do admit that you still hurt me. And that I’m gonna need healing. And I do also want to say that I did not enjoy hurting Haruhi one bit, especially because we  _ both  _ did it to her,” Hokuto took a deep breath of his own, trying not to falter.

“But I… I just — I don’t know what to fucking do anymore,” his voice broke.

Taiga turned around, already crying. It made Hokuto cry, too.

“Because I want you, and I want this, I want us, and I’m scared, I’m so scared, I’m just as scared as you,” he struggled to speak.

“And I can’t lose you, I don’t— I don’t know what I would do if I did, if I could take it, if I could take any more of it— because I— I can’t lose you  _ again,  _ Taiga. Not again. I don’t think I’ll be able to take it, this time,” Hokuto told the truth. If he lost Taiga again, he would lose his entire mind, too.

Taiga took a step forward, and Hokuto did too, the both of them drawn towards each other, minimizing the space.

“So when we do this,” Hokuto said, Taiga’s breath hitching as a reaction, the word Hokuto used waking him up from hopeful fantasies and kick-starting him back into reality, “ _ when  _ we finally do this, I…”

Hokuto struggled, but pushed through. Taiga deserved all the love he could give him. And now that he knew that Taiga wanted to do it to him in return, it gave him more reason to want this.

“I want you, and us, to be sure of it. To be really sure,” because he was. And he hoped Taiga really was, too.

“I am, I’m sure,” Taiga said, immediately, hurriedly, not letting any hint of doubt sneak into their conversation. “I’m so sure of this, Hokuto. I’ve never been more sure of anything else.”

Hokuto nodded. He believed Taiga. He knew Taiga was telling the truth, this time. He had nothing else to lose, after all. They both didn’t.

“I’m sure, too,” he said in a small voice, taking another step closer.

Taiga looked up at him with tear stained eyes, but hopeful ones. Relieved ones. Adoring ones. Hokuto wanted him to stay here, forever. So they could keep doing this.

Hokuto lifted a trembling hand, hesitant at first, but going for it in the end. He held Taiga by the cheek, Taiga instantly leaning towards his touch, crying and tearing up even more.

Because he had missed this. He missed it so bad and so much and now he was here. Hokuto was here with him, again. Not afraid to touch him. Not afraid to look at him.

He lifted a hand, too, holding Hokuto by the wrist, drawing circles with his thumb. Because they were here. They were together. They chose this, like a greeting of coming back. Hey. Hey, you. I’ve missed you. I’m here, now.

“ _ Taiga, _ ” Hokuto whispered, “say it again?”

The fact that he even had to ask baffled Taiga. Taiga would say them all day, everyday, if he could. Hokuto need not ask.

“I’m in love with you,” he said immediately, Hokuto crying again and smiling when he heard the words. “I love you, I love you so much that it freaks me the fuck out but I don’t care. Because I love you. I'm in love with you, Matsumura Hokuto.”

Hokuto laughed a little and,  _ god,  _ Taiga missed that too.

“I love you,” Hokuto responded.

Taiga wasn’t expecting the sudden wave of emotions to hit him. Hokuto might have said it already, once before. But he didn’t say it again after that. This was the first time Taiga heard it again, after that one time. And it sounded so beautiful.

“I love you so much more than you know,” Hokuto said again, and Taiga was never ever ever going to get sick of hearing it.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

He finally pulled Hokuto in and kissed him, Hokuto meeting him in the middle and kissing him back. It felt like Taiga’s heart jumped out, took Hokuto’s, and decided to stay with it. Both of their hearts decided to stay together, with each other, choosing each other.

They both cried and sobbed into the kiss, sneaking apologies here and there, saying the words ‘I love you’ over and over. Because they wanted to make up for lost time. They wanted to say as much as they felt.

Hokuto kissed Taiga with as much as he could, wanting Taiga to know and understand that he was just here. He had been waiting. And he would have waited for as long as he could. Just so he could have this kiss again.

They peeled off each other’s clothes slowly when they moved to the bedroom, Taiga shivering, feeling like he was more naked and vulnerable than all the other times. Hokuto kissed his skin with light kisses, moving so achingly but beautifully slow, taking his time. Because they had that now. They had that privilege. They had as much time as they wanted.

Hokuto carefully placed Taiga on his bed, on top of tangled sheets, like he had done so many times before. But it was different now. It was better. This was better.  _ They  _ were better.

They kept their eyes on each other the whole time. Especially when Hokuto silently asked for permission, feeling Taiga shake still. Like he was afraid and nervous, but in the good way. Because this could change everything. It  _ was  _ going to change everything.

Taiga took a few deep breaths, simply looking at Hokuto in the eyes. He brushed a few rebel locks away from Hokuto’s forehead, the jet black bangs so soft in his touch. He wanted this. He wanted him. All of him.

“ _ Make love to me, _ ” he whispered, raw and real.

Hokuto's breath was caught in his throat, feeling like his heart had stopped functioning. Then it restarted, jack-hammering in his chest, beating so fucking fast like it wanted to be let out of its cage.

He kissed Taiga again, the both of them breathless. He moved so carefully, almost like Taiga was made out of glass and he was scared to break him. So he took Taiga slow, so slow, slower than he had ever done.

And Taiga let him take his time, overwhelmed by everything, by what they felt for each other, by what this meant, by how much they loved each other. By how they were making love, for the first time, because all the other times weren’t like this. Weren’t as free as this.

They slowly moved towards their climax, pleasure present, but so much love too. There wasn’t any need for anything else. Just the two of them, in this space, in each other’s hearts, in each other’s lives.

They held their stare as they came, driven by raw emotions, looking at each other and not daring to break the look apart. Hokuto leaned down to kiss Taiga again, after they came down from their high. Because he could now, without guilt to it. He could now, without hesitation. He could now, knowing Taiga felt the same.

“I love you,” Taiga said again, and Hokuto played it on repeat in his head. It was the best song he had ever heard.

“I love you,” he said back, almost like adding harmony. Because their voices fit together so well. They always had. And now their hearts did the same.

Taiga cuddled close to Hokuto, after, the both of them holding each other tight, at ease. They had this now. They had each other, now.

But Hokuto thought of what it meant, too, for someone else. Someone he knew meant a lot to them, especially to him. Someone he chose to keep in his life.

So he took a deep breath, and took his chances.

“I have a friend,” Hokuto started to say, and by the look in Taiga’s eyes, he knew that Taiga knew who he was talking about, “she’s really great. And I’ve grown to love her. And I…”

Hokuto hesitated. But he really did want to say this.

“I want to keep being friends with her. Because she’s beautiful and kind and genuine and I want our friendship to grow, Taiga, I really do,”

Taiga nodded. Haruhi had that effect on people. And his heart was so fucking happy that Hokuto felt for her, too.

“I hope… that’s okay,”

Taiga nodded again. “I heard she’s a great girl, too.”

“She is, Taiga. She’s so amazing,”

Taiga agreed. Haruhi was more than amazing, even.

“And I hope that…” Hokuto wasn’t sure if he should ask Taiga this. But still.

“I hope one day, you could find the strength in you to be friends with her, again,” Hokuto hoped so badly. He hoped and prayed because Taiga was his everything and Haruhi was so important to her, and he wanted the both of them in his life. “If you’re okay with that.”

Taiga did love Haruhi. He had known that for a long time. But maybe, he executed it in the poorest way.

Maybe he could still keep Haruhi in his heart, but in a different way, this time. In the way that Hokuto kept Haruhi in his own heart, too. A beautiful friendship blossoming like a spring day. Something that would always make him smile, instead of feel sad. Something better, too.

“I…” Taiga said, “I hope so too. I really do.”

And that was all the answer that Hokuto ever needed.

His heart was happy. Here, with Taiga in his arms, with their kiss, with them pulling each other, not wanting to let go. Hokuto was happy because Taiga was happy. And he was happy because Taiga loved him, too. Because Taiga finally accepted it. Because Taiga finally said the words. Because Taiga wasn’t afraid to show it and feel it anymore.

They still had so much to figure out. So many things that still needed to be talked about. But they could do that another day, another time. Because they had all the time. They had that now.

Hokuto kissed Taiga until sleep slowly creeped in. And even after then, he held Taiga in his arms, sure now, that Taiga wasn’t going to let go.

When morning came, the sunlight bathing the both of them in a warm kiss, Hokuto woke up, both he and Taiga still basking in the afterglow.

And that was it.

Taiga. He was still there.

He stayed the night. Hokuto finally woke up next to him, Taiga still in his arms, still in his hold, still in his space. Hokuto’s heart swelled. Finally.

Taiga turned around in his hold, probably sensing he had woken up, and fluttered his eyelids open, softly and magically. Hokuto stared into Taiga’s eyes and found what he was looking for: certainty. He was staying because he wanted to. He was staying because he chose Hokuto. He was staying because of what he said. Finally.

Taiga loved Hokuto. And Hokuto loved him back, just as much.

Hokuto pulled him in for a morning kiss, tasting of sakuras and morning dew and the sweet flavor of something else. Something he wanted to have, always. Something along the lines of forever. Because finally.

Finally. After everything, finally.

They were finally home.

**Author's Note:**

> What an adventure.
> 
> Thoughts?


End file.
